When you have tried so long to get pregnant without success, your mind starts to tell you things. You start to give yourself reasons why you are still TTC, despite having done all; swallowed pills, taken shots…name it. For some of us, we blame it on the procedure…something must have gone wrong somewhere, the prescription was probably wrong, you didn’t take the shots exactly the way it was to be taken, etc. Some of us blame external factors…the stressful work environment, the tense relationship with in-laws that won’t allow the medicine work adequately. The rest of us internalize the failed pregnancy attempts…there has to be something wrong with us. I have heard many women complain about their bodies being evil, and simply kicking out any embryo that tries to implant, or their uterus being inadequate to make the embryos stick.
For Ogonna, she internalized her many failed pregnancy attempts to the extent that she just assumed that she was not worthy of a baby. She had to be paying for the sins of her ancestors, because she couldn’t think of anything she had done that could warrant childlessness. In the end, she talked herself into believing that motherhood wasn’t for everybody, and maybe she was one of those not worthy of pregnancy and motherhood. So she accepted her fate, mourned the babies she was never going to have…and failed to realize that heaven had already smiled on her, she was already pregnant. When she missed her period, she attributed it to hormonal changes or stress. By the time her period failed to show up for weeks, she decided to test herself. But even as she nonchalantly peed on the stick, she wasn’t expecting anything positive. In fact, the only reason she was testing herself was because she had the kit at home, purchased months before when she was so eager to see even the faintest pink lines.
Her result showed a bright pink line, and another faint one. She held her breath in shock…she had never seen a second line in all her previous tests. So she got dressed and rushed to the hospital for proper blood test, which showed the presence of HcG. She was pregnant! The doctor asked her when she last saw her period and by his calculation, she was five weeks pregnant! Ogonna sat transfixed in the doctor’s office…how could she be pregnant? She had dismissed all thoughts of pregnancy and just couldn’t fathom that a baby was forming in her womb. Through the drive home and the subsequent days that followed, Ogonna still felt so surreal about her pregnancy. She would retrieve the lab sheet and stare at the ticked pregnancy box, and then go back to the top to where her name was written, just to be sure they had not made a mistake at the hospital.
When she eventually called her mother to inform her that she was pregnant, she complained that she didn’t like it “I am not having all the symptoms that are supposed to come with early pregnancy. No throwing up, no nausea, no morning sickness, no cravings. What if this is just one big sick joke? Am I worthy of being pregnant? What if I wake up one morning and it was all a dream?”
Her mother was quick to hush her “Don’t ever say that “OG!” her Mom reprimanded “Every woman is worthy of a pregnancy! You are worthy of a pregnancy. Even ladies who terminated pregnancies in the past are worthy of a pregnancy, as long as they repent and seek God’s forgiveness. You have to trust your body, you have to believe that you deserve this, if not you would make a mess of everything!”
As my mother gisted me this story, I could not help but agree more with her friend, Ogonna’s mom. For those who have lost faith in their bodies, probably as a result of previous miscarriages, or failed TTC efforts, we need to realize that none is more worthy than you to be a mother to your precious babies. No matter how delayed it seems, you will become a mother. It doesn’t help to write yourself off, or accept the lies that are whispered into your ears. What parameters, if I may ask, are used to determine those who are worthy and those who are not? Even God said in the bible – None among you shall be barren (Ex 23:26). Having committed abortions in the past, doesn’t disqualify you either, the past is in the past. As long as you have conducted scans and done tests, and are sure that your organs are fine, then you are in line for a BFP.
You are worthy of having anything you dream of, and if motherhood is that dream, you are worthy of it and it will happen. I have an aunt who had her uterus removed after a long battle with Fibroid; she had no children at the time and thought it would be almost impossible for her to have her own children, especially as she could not afford to get a surrogate, but we are gearing up for a cycle now, using her frozen embryos, and with me acting as her gestational carrier. With no uterus, she is still worthy of motherhood, pregnancy and babies…and so are you. It doesn’t matter if you are a PCOS girl or a one-tuber, you are worthy of a baby…and when it happens, please believe it and own it because it is yours!
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