What The Heck Did You Just Say???

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The priceless WTH moments most TTC women have experienced! Those wonderful times you encounter that one person who chooses to ask you the absolute dumbest question! Sometimes, it could be because they are clueless, sometimes because they have the tact of a 3 year old, and other times because they are just mean. Whatever the reason, the things that reel off their lips are enough to make one stop dead in their tracks in utter bewilderment. Here are a few of such moments:

When you are asked When are you going to have a baby? Today, tonight, in fact, right this second! This was what I was tempted to respond most of the time. As if this question was mine to answer!!! I admit that it is a legitimate question for a lot of couples, but for the TTC woman, this is one of the dumbest things you could ask!

When you are told to Stop trying, and it will happen€. Yes, this is often said in good faith. I admit that. But when you are TTC, you just want to sucker punch the next person who says this to you. You wonder so what now? In the meantime, you do what? Sit back and watch the clock tick? For any non-TTC person, if you a€™re looking to offer words of encouragement, steer clear of this one.

When you are told “If it’s meant to be, it will happen”. One of the biggest faux pas statements! Steer well clear of this one, non-TTC people. Because all the TTC person hears is that you think there’s a chance it’s not meant to be and that’s not good at all; for either of you.

When you are told “There’s always adoption”. Big sigh! Yes, we know this is true, and on a lot of occasions will willingly and gladly open our hearts to this, and not even necessarily as an option. A lot of us would happily take in children, whether or not we have kids already. But there is also nothing wrong in wanting to conceive a child of your own. And it”s wrong for anyone to make you feel like a beast for trying to do just that!

When you are told “Don’t do IVF, or you’ll end up like Octo-Mom”. Even bigger sigh! Sometimes, people choose to speak without having their facts right. Nadya Suleman had an unethical number of embryos transferred, not just once but twice! Before you offer (unsolicited) advice or cast judgment, please do some research and be sure of what you are saying.

When you are told Why don’t you go abroad? Health care in Nigeria is so rubbish! I suppose you’re going to pay for it, right? First of all, health care in Nigeria is not as bad as people would have you believe, and secondly, even if the infertile party appears wealthy (I use the qualifier “appears”, because we can never really know exactly what anyone’s financial position is, not even if you are their account officer), you do not know what kind of plans or commitments they have for, and with, their money. So, please, try not to go down this road. Yes, you might be well meaning and might really want the best for them, but unless they let you know it’s a consideration, it could potentially be a sore topic, especially if they can’€™t afford it.

When you are accused of “Not trying hard enough”! This one always gets me stomped! When people would assume that you are just not having enough sex. What is enough sex, really? Does this mean the couple should just quit their jobs, shelve their commitments, and lock themselves in the bedroom all day, every day!! What about the person who got pregnant after a one-night stand? Please, non-TTC people, saying something like this is nothing short of walking into a field of landmines. Just don’t!

When you are asked, every time you put on a little weight, “Has it happened? Are you pregnant.” No love, I’m just fat!

When you are told “There are worse things that can happen”. Interesting! Of course there are. Yes, the TTC woman should always be grateful for all her blessings and the fact that she is no worse off than she is, but this reminder from the non-TTC person (usually someone with kids of their own) does not exactly spell encouraging. So, non-TTC person, if I were you, I wouldn’t go there.

When you are told “You better hurry. Your biological clock is ticking”. Gee, thanks for the reminder, oh Sensitive One! That really helps!

When you are asked “Whose fault is it? Yours or your husband’s?” I suppose if you knew that, you would be able to solve the problem? No? Then the answer to this question is none of your business!

When you are told how “lucky” you are not to have kids. I have never been able to understand this one. If you non-TTC person are so “unlucky” why not hand over your own kids then?! Playing the “you have it better than I” card is one of the worst ideas you could ever come up with, in this instance.

When you are told it’s all in the mind. Interesting. Does this mean all the TTC woman needs to do is will herself pregnant? Does this mean she is the architect of her misfortune? Think, non-TTC person, think! There are just some things you don’t say.

When you are told “I know exactly what you’re going through”.Unless you have previously, or are currently, battling infertility, then errr no, you don’t!

When you are told how it took Mrs Jane Doe 10 rounds of IVF to conceive. Way to offer encouragement, oh non-TTC one! Unless this piece of information has a constructive follow-up statement (which it most often does not), this is the last thing your TTC friend needs to hear.

When you are told You don’t look like someone who should have a problem conceiving. Wow! So what exactly does an infertile person look like? Would a hunchback or horn suffice? Am I too fat? Am I too thin? What defines what the poster child for infertility should look like? This is definitely an honorary member of the dumbest statements walk of fame!

When you are told “For me, all I have to do is look at my husband and I get pregnant”. Good for you! But unless sharing this unnecessary tidbit will also transfer this super power of yours, please keep it to yourself. This is one of the least considerate things one can say to the TTC woman, as all you’ll achieve is make her feel inadequate.

When you are told “You don’t know what God is trying to save you from.” What? Unhealthy babies? A broken marriage? Death? Non-TTC person, please don’t speak for God. Who are we to come up with a hypothesis like that?! And what are you expecting the TTC person to feel? Relief? Not so much, non-TTC person, not so much.

I’m sure the TTC ladies can attest that there is a host of other silly and inane questions and remarks that have been thrown at them. And the unfortunate fact is that this might never stop, no matter how “informed” people claim to be. All I can advice is for the TTC woman to continue to toughen her skin. For the non-TTC person, please be more sensitive, and try to do a better job of processing/filtering your words. They might mean nothing to you, but could be enough to ruin your TTC friend’s day.

Good luck, everyone. Baby dust to all!

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