When your IVF cycle fails!

I was numb with shock when I started spotting. No, this absolutely could not be. It was the day before my blood test at the clinic and I was so sure my first cycle of IVF had worked. In a mad panic, I called my husband on the phone and frantically asked him to buy some digital tests on his way home. He did…and I tested. There it was in black and white ‘Not Pregnant’. I just stared at the stick in disbelief. This could not be! I had probably tested too early. The spotting had stopped, so my husband convinced me to go to bed, since I was due to test the next day anyway. So I proceeded to ‘go to bed’…except that I didn’t close my eyes the whole night. Morning eventually rolled by and, and off I went to the clinic. The blood test confirmed what the digital home test had already told me. I was not pregnant. To add salt to injury, no sooner had gotten home did my period start, fast and furious.

I can’t put into words what the heartbreak felt like. It didn’t feel like just a disappointment, it felt like a loss. It was a painful end to 2 months of hard work. All the injections, all the procedures, all the build up, all the emotional investment…all for nothing. My beloved embryos were no longer with me.

The days that followed were rough. Every time I tried to pick myself up, every time I tried to gather the pieces of my broken heart, one of the well meaning people that knew what I was doing, would innocently inquire about how everything had gone. As I repeatedly had to tell these lovely people it had failed, their pain and disappointment would inevitably rekindle mine.

You see, when I opted for IVF, I thought it was a sure banker route to baby for us. From the minute I signed the hospital papers, I had already started working out what month my babies would be born. Most of my friends…the close, and the not-so-close, knew what I was preparing for. When my 3 embryos were transferred, I lovingly named my triplets. I envisioned 2 boys and a girl. I even went as far as browsing online for my maternity wardrobe. I wasn’t prepared for failure at all. In hindsight, I see that was definitely preparing TO fail.

After two weeks, thanks to my husband who tirelessly tried to piece me back together, I went for my review appointment at the clinic. If you have read my testimony, you will know that I have been very vocal about the shoddy manner in which I was treated by this hospital, so I won’t rehash that here. All I will say is that there was absolutely NO counselling offered me, and their post-care was zero. I was pretty much on my own.

I thank God for the online forum I was a member of at the time. That was the closest I got to any form of counseling. But I still needed to TALK to someone at the very least. I googled, but didn’t even know what I was googling for. In the end, I confided in a colleague because I knew her sister had had several failed cycles before her successful cycle. I guess I was hoping to be able to speak with said sister, directly or indirectly. But all I got out of that was becoming fodder for office gossip. And I never got to speak to this sister.

For the two months after that failed cycle, I tasted depression raw and bitter. If I didn’t have a rock solid support system in the form of my husband, family and friends, I don’t know how it would have ended.

Eventually, I had to find the strength to pick myself up. I knew I had to get right back on the baby wagon. I knew it was time to quit wallowing, and start doing! It was time to move on.

The first thing I did was e-mail a stinker to the clinic. Oh, it definitely wasn’t their fault that my cycle had failed, but I needed to let them know, in clear terms, that it wasn’t right to treat people the way I was…like a prized bride before the deed, and like yesterday’s newspaper afterwards. The e-mail was probably useless to them, but it was darned well the closure I needed from that experience.

The next thing was to decide when, and where, my next cycle would be. I knew I needed to start as quickly as possible. In the end, I went back to my longtime Ob/Gyn. I got my body into shape, and did everything Dr. Google said would improve my egg quality. I also made sure only my husband and best friend knew what was going on. Nobody else, not even my Mother, knew we were cycling again.

But, most importantly, I got my MIND into shape. I had to dispel that fantasy of IVF being success guaranteed. I knew only too well that failure was a possibility. I already had a plan for the remaining embryos to be frozen, and to proceed with the frozen transfer as quickly as possible, in the event of the cycle failing. I also started making mental plans for quickly raising funds for a fresh cycle, if the frozen transfer failed as well. During my two-week wait, I took things as e.a.s.y as I possibly could, caught up on my favourite movies and series, and prohibited myself from any form of symptom spotting. As soon as it was reasonable enough for me to test, I did so and got the very first positive result in almost 3 years of trying (I went through all 4 test sticks that night, just to be sure).

What a joy it was to break the news to our family, and subsequently our friends. What a joy it was to carry that pregnancy to term and give birth to our two bundles of joy. Joy so inexplicable, it totally erased the heartache from the failed cycle.

My dear friends…if you have just had a failed cycle, my heart goes out to you. It is a pain that very few, even the most well meaning ones, can understand. Take some time to heal, take some time to mourn, take some time to regroup…and pick yourself up. The journey doesn’t end with failure. No, instead look at it as a small hurdle in your journey. Hopefully, you will get there. For some people, it takes longer, I will definitely admit. I have a friend who just had a 5th failed cycle. But I also know someone who got pregnant after 8 cycles…and she has beautiful twin boys now.

Of course, the harsh reality is that finance can be a limiting factor and could prevail one from proceeding with multiple cycles. If that is where you find yourself, you must still find a way to keep up the faith. I know someone who conceived naturally after several failed IVF cycles. I also know people who have progressed to other options, such as adoption, surrogacy, etc.

The truth of the matter is that it doesn’t matter what mode of transportation you use. What’s important is how you handle your journey, and that you get there in the end!

Good luck, dear friends. If you need a human being to talk to, do get in touch! You can send me a message here.

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Comments

  1. Paula

    Can I please talk to you?

    I am in such an emotional state right now. The beta from my 3rd ivf cycle just came back negative!!!! My 3rd attempt!!!

    I have cried myself sore and realised that there is no longer any point therein. I live in Dubai and have few friends here to talk to. All seemed well and I am so down that it didn’t happen.

    My husband has been such a Rock! But I know that he must be going through the disappointment himself and I feel selfish for crying so helplessly at him. I truly wish I had a friend who understood to talk to. I am uncomforTABLE about talking to my pastors wife because aside the fact that she never went through this she is the kind of person that talks a lot about others and so I am uncertain about opening up.

    The company I work for is also closing down. I was hoping to enjoy being pregnant and ignore looking for work. I am praying and seeking God’s face in all of this and I am getting better.

    I just though to drop you a line as I have been truly motivated by your stories and testimony.

    God Bless.

    1. Nicole Post author

      My dear Paula. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. The anguish of a failed cycle is unbearable, and sometimes it is so hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. It’s rough, I won’t sugar coat it. But my dear, as hard as it may be, we just have to pick ourselves up and try again. It’s very hard for our spouses to understand the emotions, which can be raw and painful, no matter how hard they try. It’s important for us to understand this and accept whatever kind of support they are able to offer.

      I’m really sorry about your job. Sometimes we make plans, and it’s painful when they don’t work out. But you know what, it could all be part of God’s master plan for you.

      Did you cycle in Dubai all 3 times? Did your doctor give you any indication of what could have gone wrong? Did you respond well to the meds? How many eggs did you produce each time? How many were transferred? Any blastocysts? Sorry for all the questions hun. I just want to have a better idea.

      Please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me if you ever need to vent or talk. You can email me at nicole@thefertilechickonline.com. If you would like to talk or Skype, we can do that as well!

      Let’s keep up the PMA hun. It will be all fine in the end : hugs:

    2. oyindamola

      Hmmm,so sorry dear.i feel your pain.I have a 7year old daughter and since then been trying to conceive.So 2014 God answered me,i carried the pregnancy,i delivered and lost the baby..i am still mourning.i cry and I still cry.you can’t imagine the heartbreak after 9months!all my financial and emotional investment.i actually lost my job because I got pregnant…just like you I wasn’t sad,wanted to enjoy my preg..but God knows best!2016 is my year!!

      1. Nicole Post author

        Oyindamola, my heart broke reading your post. I’m so sorry hun! May the Good Lord heal your heart and bless you with your rainbow baby soon. It is well hun :hugs: :hug:

  2. linda

    Hang in there Paula, and lean on God, He is our only Rick and Refuge. I am sure @Nicole will have loads to tell you

  3. Paula

    Thank you so much for your replies Nicole and Linda. Very much appreciated. It truly means a lot and I feel encouraged.

    Nicole, yes I did all three cycles here in Dubai at three different clinics.

    1st cycle produced 29 eggs, 16 fertilised, 5 reached blasts (not the best blasts) transferred 2.

    2nd cycle was 17 eggs, 11 fertilised, all great on day 3 and by day 5 were all morulas or really early blasts. Transferred 2.

    3rd cycle 16 eggs, 7 fertilised, day 5 transfer of 1 good blast and 2 morulas.

    After reading your story, I spoke to my doc about doing a day 3 transfer but she convinced me to carry on till day 5 as they obtained the best results she said with blasts.

    Thanks a lot. Gosh you’re truly a star! God Bless you. I pray to be an inspiration one day too and looking forward to coming through all of this. Please what is PMA?

    1. Nicole Post author

      Hi Paula. I’m sure your clinic has a good plan, but it does sound like your embryos drop off in quality after day 3. On day 5, you should not have any morulas at all. Can you insist on a day 3 transfer? Even if you have to sign some sort of a waiver?

      I’m praying with you for a successful cycle soon, hun :hugs:. PMA is Positive Mental Attitude :good:

  4. MrsD

    Hello Paula, i hope it isnt too late to seng hugs your way. God would give us reasons to smile soon. Pls hang in there. Plenty hugs n kisses dear

  5. Reggy

    Hello Paula, lots of hugs from me. May the great comforter wrap his arms around you. All will be well…I am very sure of that.

  6. Funmi matthew

    Hello Nicole,had a failed IVF in Nigeria ,met a fetility doctor in US ,he gave me the option of egg donor and is charging $49,000.am confused .Am thinking of adoption ,what do u think pls

    1. Nicole Post author

      Hello Funmi. $49,000 is a WHOLE LOT!!! Wow! That’s waaay too much! Can I ask why they have decided to go down the egg donor route for you? Is it age related? Or a question of egg quality? I think you can get a better deal, price wise, here in Nigeria (for egg donation).

      Adoption is a wonderful thing, but I don’t think you should give up just yet.

      :hug:

  7. hopeful

    Hi , I also had a failed ivf nov 2015 , but by jan 2016 got a positive result, but lost d baby 4weeks ago jt so sad .

    1. Nicole Post author

      So sorry for your loss, hopeful! Sending you huge :hugs: and blowing lots of :dust: your way, for a successful pregnancy soonest :hug:

  8. omalicha

    Hi Nicole
    pls how do I get a good and affordable fertility clinic in Abuja? I stay in nyanya axis but wouldn’t mind anywhere so long as it’s good and affordable. pls reply
    thanks

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