I know, you will not understand me at first, but keep faith with me…you will very soon. If only everything in life were simple; black and white, no shades of grey, true or false, no half truths, yes or no, no maybes. If only what you put into life is what you get back, and no unexpected happenings coming out of nowhere would change everything and the outcome you had so wanted.
You know, we have come far. You and your journal siblings have been witnesses to my tears, you have shared my pain, my teenage crushes, half of which I never acted upon. You knew the anguish I went through when my first official boyfriend had told me it was either I gave up the cookie, or he took a walk. You knew how I wept and drenched you in my tears that night. I couldn’t do it. I was sure I would never be able to pray again or stand in the front of the people to preach against something I knew I had done…and so, I hadn’t….”
That was the beginning of Mary’s entry into her daily journal. She had found that writing was therapeutic for her, and had started as a way to make sense of the myriads of emotions she went through, while in her teens. She was a very good girl, brought up by loving but very strict religious parents. There were no short cuts with them; you had to take the long arduous road to where you are going, if you really wanted to enjoy the benefits. They also led their children to the Lord early, so everyone was on the same level concerning spirituality and morals in their home.
Knowing the daughter of whom she was, she did not dabble into anything carnal or secular, even though she was sorely tempted to do so. Everyone was doing it, but she chose to stick to the straight and narrow path. Even her fellow religious sisters, whom she closely associated with in school, were doing borderline immoral things, but right and wrong were too instilled in her to deviate.
She carried this trait through life, graduating from the University, getting a job, getting a husband…well the last one had taken a while. She waited for that one to come. In the end, she got married aged 32 years old, and a virgin. Everyone, and I mean everyone, who knew them, expected a baby exactly nine months to the day Mary got married.
Why, you ask? She is the first born of her mother, and she was born exactly nine months after her parents got married. Her younger sisters, who had gotten married before her, had their first babies around the nine-month mark into their wedding, so it was almost a tradition in their home. Mary was not about to be the one to break it.
Well, she broke the tradition. She did not have a baby then, and in fact, she was not pregnant by the time the ninth month of her marriage came along, and the new couple had practically been like rabbits…no, make that ants, which just discovered the sweetness of sugar. They were enjoying themselves, but they also felt under pressure to produce a baby from their sex marathons.
Instead, she got diagnosed with blocked tubes. Her first reaction was shock! How could that be possible?! She had never been sexually active before getting married. She had never been treated for any infections, which the doctor said was the case of the blockage, so how possible was it for her to have blocked tubes? And not just one tube, but both!!! She couldn’t wrap her head around it.
There was no way she could have babies with those tubes blocked. It was news that rocked their world to its very foundation. She thought she was not supposed to go through this, not when she had been faithful and kept herself. This was the worst that could ever have happened to her – not be able to have children.
After praying and coming to a place of acceptance, Mary and her husband started on an aggressive course of action to have their own babies, only it was one disappointment after another. The procedures to unblock her tubes failed. Only one tube responded slightly to the attempt to make it return to its normal state. The left tube just refused to be bothered.
Knowing a natural pregnancy was out of it, they moved on to intrauterine insemination (IUI); two attempts failed. By now, Mary’s head was in a place where she expected everything to fail, and unfortunately, she was always right. That was when she realized that, perhaps, she was the one who was jinxing herself. She had expected failure, mentally prepared herself for the failures which, of course, happened. She had been attracting failure, because that was all she thought about and, of course, failure manifested in that area of her life.
Before, moving things on to the IVF stage, she decided to purge herself, her mind and her head of all the negativity she had imbibed unknowingly. But being on the TTC journey had made her so jaded, often expecting the worst. She decided to do things differently.
First of all, they took a break from all TTC matters. She was staring 35 years in the face without a baby, yet she decided to take a break. She needed to let go and re-discover who she was again. For the three years she had been married, it had been all about babies and their numerous attempts to get one.
Mary and her husband focused on the positives in their lives. And that was because their lives had been set in panic mood. They were always on the edge, waiting for another call, most likely, another, “I’m sorry but your results don’t look good.” They were both doing well in their work life; they were in good health, apart from the sub fertility issue. Everything was going well except for that critical part. Yes, it was important, but it was not the whole essence of their lives.
So, whenever, they resume TTC activities again, Mary and her husband would be going in with all the positive energy they can muster. If it turns out okay, they will be fine with it…very fine with it. If not, they now know how to deal with the disappointment, but they are not staying put in that valley.
There is light at the end of that tunnel, and they will keep their gaze fixed on the prize.
One day, they will have their day in the sun.
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