A few things are as frustrating as a woman who is on a TTC journey, but suddenly can’t find her sex drive; like she is literally looking for her libido wherever it must have ran to! It happened to someone I know, Joyce* hasn’t being married for too long but she was actively trying to get pregnant, when we started hearing her complain about not having the zeal to have sex. It was so bad that she found herself having sex simply to please her husband or whenever she felt she was in her fertile window. The problem was, she wasn’t into it at all, and that got her really worried, because 26 was too young an age to suffer from low sex drive, or so she thought. When she posted it on a group on social media and asked for help, a lot of people asked if she was starting menopause, talking about how menopause can come early and all. Menopause ke? She rejected that opinion sharply and told everyone how she was just in twenties, and certainly not close to menopause yet.
Finding no respite on the group, she turned to her doctor who of course asked a lot of questions in a bid to find out what the exact problem was. Finally, it turned out that her problem was psychological; she recently changed jobs and had been experiencing lots of emotions that came with the switch. She hadn’t blended well into her department and often felt depressed and alone at work. Unconsciously, she took the problem into her bedroom, and apparently her mind was filled with making impact on her new job, with no space left for mushy mushy love-making. Unlike what most people think, it isn’t often the catastrophic deal-breaker level issues that puts sex far away from our minds, it’s the little things actually; very fixable, but piled up over time. If your low sex libido is as a result of something you are going through such as depression, confusion, neglect, stress or extreme work pressure; then it would be a good idea to deal with that issue and clear your head space. Even if you relegate the matters to the back of your mind, they are bound to pile up even more and cause bigger problems when they explode. In the meantime, be sure to envelope yourself in long warm hugs, cuddles, spooning and maybe light foreplay. Don’t shut your partner out; instead let him help you deal with whatever troubles your sweet heart is facing.
Some other sisters simply need a good lubricant to get their libido back. Can you believe many of us suffer, not knowing how easy this libido problem is, to solve? When I was trying to conceive, I was on a drug that caused vagina dryness for me, and made penetration really hard; so after a time, I was completely put off sex. Every time I tried getting down and dirty, it would seem as though I was losing my virginity all over again; I eventually just lost the drive. And I was in my early twenties! It’s funny when people think only older women suffer low sex libido. How erroneous! Back to my story, I took my plight to a friend who asked if I was using lubricants, and I said no. I don’t know why the thought never occurred to me. She recommended KY Jelly and I happily purchased a tube at the pharmacy on my way home. Viola! I was happy to be able to get my groove back. KY Jelly became a companion, until I heard it wasn’t sperm-friendly and I switched to Preseed; which helps the motility of sperms.
A good friend of mine also had very low sex libido at some point, and hers was so bad that she would scream at her hubby to leave her alone whenever he was making passes at her. For her, she knew she was going to enjoy the sex once it started, but she couldn’t get the sexual desire to kick at the beginning, and she would often give up before her body kicked into gear. What did she do? Someone advised her to think about sex whenever her husband was trying to initiate it, and she did. She tried to focus on how much she would enjoy it when she got into character, and before you knew it, her body followed her mind and she was able to go through it happily. For women like that, it would not help to force yourself into it when you don’t want to. It is all about recognizing that you are going to enjoy it once you start, and help yourself get through that initial barrier. Communicating with your partner on what he could do to ignite your desire would also help in spades.
One of my closest cousins had low sex libido after she had her baby, and hers was as a result of a body image issue. She was yet to come to terms with the changes that pregnancy and childbirth had caused to her body, and she was too shy to even stand naked in the presence of her husband. It was so bad that, her stitches healed after about three weeks, but she played along and pretended that she wasn’t healed for an extra month. Conjugal responsibilities saw her begging hubby to turn off the lights and shut the blinds before she could undress. Even then, she didn’t have the sexy confidence that she once possessed. Her husband tried reassuring herself countlessly that she was still beautiful in his eyes, but all she could see was the bulges, lines and creases. It took a combined effort of working out, and her husband’s constant reassurance to get her sexual desire back. When it returned, it came back strong, and my girl got knocked up before her daughter clocked one.
For obvious reasons, having little or no desire for sex is not an issue that a married woman should sweep under the carpet; TTC or not. Sexual intimacy is of course important for couples, and when you add the fact that they are trying to conceive, it gets even more frustrating for both parties. The first step is to identify what the stressor is; physical or psychological. Some medications can have reduced libido as side effects, so be sure to know all about whatever drug you are on. Managing life’s stressors is also an important way to boost your libido, and of course, you have to look in the mirror and like what you see.
Baby dust to all!
*Names have been changed
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