TTC, Then Baby, Then D&C…the Heartbreak


As she walked barefoot on the beach that evening…trying hard to drive back tears that threatened to erupt into a current, she was vaguely aware of locals selling artifacts and tourists taking in the beauty of the sea and sand. Where had she gone wrong? What exactly had she done to deserve this? Why was God mocking her in this manner? Eventually, her eyes gave way, and her cheeks warmed as hot tears cascaded down her face. This wasn’t what she had anticipated when she drove to the beach that evening. She had craved tranquility and solitude. She wanted the breeze from the sea to envelope her and make her feel that everything was going to be alright. Her own home had chased away…the air tightened and the walls seemed to close in on her, she needed to get away and fast. So she had bolted…grabbed her car keys and bolted. But everything she ran away from seemed to chase her right down to the beach.

She contemplated throwing herself into the water…there were no lifeguards in sight and since she knew nothing about swimming, she was sure to drown within minutes. She looked at the mighty waves as they rolled over one another, and fear gripped her heart. Surely, her body was going to be broken into a thousand pieces…and she certainly loved herself too much to be fish food. But she was tired of life. It seemed as though God was making a mockery of her. He watched her beg and pray and work tirelessly for a child, for seven years. Month after month, she was made to face disappointment. Everything that was suggested, she tried…from holistic medicine to downright fetish concoctions. She had gone to pray on different mountains, and had visited several monasteries and local fertility experts, and also travelled to Cyprus and India to see renowned Fertility Doctors. But all to no avail. “Unexplained Infertility” she was told…and the doctor said one in eight women were going to experience some form of unexplained infertility. Now, she was part of a number…her soul crushing battle reduced to statistics. She would sit in a room full of women and count seven lucky ones, with her being the eighth; the one with unexplained infertility.

When she had exhausted every option…save for a trip to a native doctor, she held her hands up in surrender and gave up the battle. Her 35th birthday was fast approaching, but her husband had begged her to let go…the struggle had eaten deep into her life, her job, her emotions and their finances. All he wanted was his wife back…to see her smile again…to hear her laughter ring through the hallway…to watch her take pleasure in food, TV shows, books, art galleries and nature again. So, she let go of the reins and chose to enjoy simply being alive.

And then it happened! She missed her period. It came by the clock, but suddenly it was nine days late. She thought nothing of it and simply attributed it to her new lifestyle…the whole new fitness regime must have taken its toll. And then she started to sleep late in the mornings, and discovered that she hated the smell of her husband’s cologne…the same one she bought him on his last birthday. She also found herself running out of patience for the foods she loved, and craved for the weirdest of local delicacies instead. So, they drove to the hospital together…she wanted a blood test, not just a pregnancy kit test…she wanted to be sure. Yes, the doctor told them smiling…Your test shows presence of HcG Ma’am, Congratulations…you are going to have a baby!

She walked on the moon for weeks after that…she made up with her God and apologized for not trusting Him strongly enough. They were happy…it felt so surreal. Finally, their family was going to be complete! She was going to be a mother…she was going to give her husband a child. She wasted no time in getting the nursery ready…she had waited for seven years, and thus couldn’t wait anymore. From online stores and local kids boutiques, she bought everything the baby was going to need…and some that were absolutely unnecessary. She bought baby girl stuff, as well as baby boy stuff. She made arrangements with her sister abroad, and proceeded to apply for a Visa. The afternoon she came home from her Visa interview, she noticed that she was bleeding. She called her doctor but he said it was normal to have light bleeding during the first trimester. So she wore panty-liners and told herself to relax. She called her husband who was away on a business trip and while they chatted, she held her tummy, and winced in pain. She cut the call eventually and realized that her entire couch was soaked in blood. The pain in her abdomen was getting unbearable and she could barely change her clothes and clean up. She managed to dial her next door neighbour, who luckily was back home from work, and was gracious enough to rush her to the hospital.

But it was too late…the bleeding could not be contained when they arrived, and she lost the baby…at eleven weeks. She was motionless as the doctor suggested dilation and curettage. The miscarriage was incomplete and we need to extract all remaining tissues to prevent an infection he was saying. All she could think about was that she was back to square one. Her neighbor had used her phone to call her husband and informed him of what had happened. He had cut his meeting short and was on the next available flight home. So he was with her when they performed the D&C. He gave permission for the extracted tissues to be examined in the pathology lab. After a few days, he took her home. He had stepped out to get house supplies when she ran away from the house. The heartbreak was killing her…she wondered how she was going to survive. She knew he was hurting too, so she texted him and told him where to find her.

That day, they made up their minds to adopt a baby. She wanted a baby…but she was done trying. She was done seeking two pink lines and craving for a baby bump. She didn’t think she could handle being brokenhearted again. She needed a baby to take up the nursery and use all the clothes she had bought, but she wasn’t willing to set herself up for another disappointment. So she chose to adopt…their story is still being written. As she waits to find a suitable match, she is finding her way back to her Maker…learning to love Him just like the prophet in Hababbuk who said

“Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation”.




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