Today, tears streamed down my face as I stared at the pregnancy test strip, I got only one pink line; I was hoping for two. I wasn’t pregnant…as I had hoped. For about eight days, I have been having hot flashes and morning sickness. I wake up most mornings with a metallic taste in my mouth, and proceed to brush profusely. I try having breakfast, but I can’t keep anything down; not even my favorite orange drink. I have resulted to chewing gum…to help with the nausea, because I get too weak every time I throw up. I do not know if it’s the hormones, but I also have mood swings. I have found myself crying without a reason at work and laughing hysterically the next minute. The new intern is probably thinking I am weird by now. I have also snapped at your father unnecessarily in the past week, but when I regain my senses, I am quick to apologize.
I was warned that this could happen by the doctor. He said it is possible to have pregnancy symptoms while trying to conceive, because some hormones can apparently induce such pregnancy-like signs…but I chose to have hope instead. I chose to believe that the symptoms meant that my uterus was now thick enough for you to implant, but I was wrong. It hurts to be wrong, especially in a matter like this, when being right could change the course of my life forever. For every time that I threw up, or had a mood swing, I hoped it was because you had been conceived. I am fine now though…I know it is important that I get back up and continue pushing. If anything, those symptoms mean I am having an increase in progesterone and estrogen, which implies that very soon, my body would be optimal for conception and pregnancy.
I have bought books, tapes and MP3s on how to have a baby. I read, Google, and research even more every night before I sleep, just to be sure that I am doing everything right. I stay happy because the doctor says a good mental state is important for us. I admit that I do not always hold up my end, and sometimes need my strong support system to get me back on track. Your father, aunties and grannies have proven to be of great assistance, and I owe my sanity to them. Although there are times I feel as though no one can understand what I am passing through, I do not take their love and support for granted. I have come to realize that we can go through anything in this world and come out stronger, as long as we have wonderful family and friends.
Three days ago, I saw a BBM update about a former classmate and her new baby and, although I was genuinely happy and sent her a congratulatory message, I found myself wishing I was in her shoes. At the time, I still hoped that the symptoms I was having were pregnancy symptoms, so I prayed to share my own BBM update in nine months…or maybe ten months, after your baptism. It is harder being happy for people and staying positive when you want something so bad, and you are doing everything to get it, but I know that I must remain of good character. My story must be used to encourage some other women in the future, and I can not do that if I do not share a good report. On the flip side, I want so much to be a mother, but I also want to be a good mother. I do not want to lose my soul in this journey, so that when you arrive, I will have enough moral standing to be a good mother to you. The world is cruel enough, and you need a great role model to turn out well-grounded.
The good part of this waiting period is that your dad and I have found strength in each other. I think we are inseparable now. I believe we are closer today, than when we got married. Some nights when we are cuddled up and watching a good movie, he kisses me and reminds me that if we had a baby, we probably wouldn’t enjoy the peace and quiet that we have now. He encourages me to enjoy the fact that there is no one to mess up the house yet and that I can still have an undisturbed night’s rest. As much as I think I would prefer staying up all night to breastfeed and trip over toys, I see his perspective. I know that I would have my baby soon, so I need to cherish this fleeting time I have. I have friends as mothers, who say they miss having alone time with their husbands, and that one time Auntie Josie brought her kids to spend the weekend with me, I realized that I actually need to be careful what I wish for. I still want you so badly, but while getting ready, I try to enjoy having my own schedule.
Tomorrow I have another progress test. I am also taken supplements, and eating fruits and vegetables. Truth is, I never liked taking drugs and I have also always hated injections…until I started this journey. But I would gladly do it over and over again…for you. No test is too invasive for me, no shot too scary, no drug too hard to swallow…as long as they all lead me to you. This is how much you are wanted baby. Come soon…
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