This Is How Much You Are Wanted!

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Today, tears streamed down my face as I stared at the pregnancy test strip, I got only one pink line; I was hoping for two. I wasn’t pregnant…as I had hoped. For about eight days, I have been having hot flashes and morning sickness. I wake up most mornings with a metallic taste in my mouth, and proceed to brush profusely. I try having breakfast, but I can’t keep anything down; not even my favorite orange drink. I have resulted to chewing gum…to help with the nausea, because I get too weak every time I throw up. I do not know if it’s the hormones, but I also have mood swings. I have found myself crying without a reason at work and laughing hysterically the next minute. The new intern is probably thinking I am weird by now. I have also snapped at your father unnecessarily in the past week, but when I regain my senses, I am quick to apologize.

I was warned that this could happen by the doctor. He said it is possible to have pregnancy symptoms while trying to conceive, because some hormones can apparently induce such pregnancy-like signs…but I chose to have hope instead. I chose to believe that the symptoms meant that my uterus was now thick enough for you to implant, but I was wrong. It hurts to be wrong, especially in a matter like this, when being right could change the course of my life forever. For every time that I threw up, or had a mood swing, I hoped it was because you had been conceived. I am fine now though…I know it is important that I get back up and continue pushing. If anything, those symptoms mean I am having an increase in progesterone and estrogen, which implies that very soon, my body would be optimal for conception and pregnancy.

I have bought books, tapes and MP3s on how to have a baby. I read, Google, and research even more every night before I sleep, just to be sure that I am doing everything right. I stay happy because the doctor says a good mental state is important for us. I admit that I do not always hold up my end, and sometimes need my strong support system to get me back on track. Your father, aunties and grannies have proven to be of great assistance, and I owe my sanity to them. Although there are times I feel as though no one can understand what I am passing through, I do not take their love and support for granted. I have come to realize that we can go through anything in this world and come out stronger, as long as we have wonderful family and friends.

Three days ago, I saw a BBM update about a former classmate and her new baby and, although I was genuinely happy and sent her a congratulatory message, I found myself wishing I was in her shoes. At the time, I still hoped that the symptoms I was having were pregnancy symptoms, so I prayed to share my own BBM update in nine months…or maybe ten months, after your baptism. It is harder being happy for people and staying positive when you want something so bad, and you are doing everything to get it, but I know that I must remain of good character. My story must be used to encourage some other women in the future, and I can not do that if I do not share a good report. On the flip side, I want so much to be a mother, but I also want to be a good mother. I do not want to lose my soul in this journey, so that when you arrive, I will have enough moral standing to be a good mother to you. The world is cruel enough, and you need a great role model to turn out well-grounded.

The good part of this waiting period is that your dad and I have found strength in each other. I think we are inseparable now. I believe we are closer today, than when we got married. Some nights when we are cuddled up and watching a good movie, he kisses me and reminds me that if we had a baby, we probably wouldn’t enjoy the peace and quiet that we have now. He encourages me to enjoy the fact that there is no one to mess up the house yet and that I can still have an undisturbed night’s rest. As much as I think I would prefer staying up all night to breastfeed and trip over toys, I see his perspective. I know that I would have my baby soon, so I need to cherish this fleeting time I have. I have friends as mothers, who say they miss having alone time with their husbands, and that one time Auntie Josie brought her kids to spend the weekend with me, I realized that I actually need to be careful what I wish for. I still want you so badly, but while getting ready, I try to enjoy having my own schedule.

Tomorrow I have another progress test. I am also taken supplements, and eating fruits and vegetables. Truth is, I never liked taking drugs and I have also always hated injections…until I started this journey. But I would gladly do it over and over again…for you. No test is too invasive for me, no shot too scary, no drug too hard to swallow…as long as they all lead me to you. This is how much you are wanted baby. Come soon…

 

 

 

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Photo Credits

  1. http://i.huffpost.com
  2. http://madamenoire.com

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36 COMMENTS

  1. Awwww Ipheoma, this is so sweet. I believe this is the wish of every woman TTC, I pray that God will answer all your prayers speedingly in Jesus name, bless you.

  2. I love and admire your strenght. I totally undertstand what you are going through as I am TTC myself. The hope everyday just wanting something to hold on too. But I hold on to the word of God which says to me that Godds time is the best. By best i understand that his time is perfect, no time before that time is too early or too late. I dont know about you but I strive for prefection in all that I do. I want a prefect baby and therefore i will wait for the perfect time. Weeping may endure for some nights but joy comes in the morning. Stay strong darling. Baby dust to all of us x x x

    • So touching I pray all our prayers be answered soonest. Thanks Ifeoma for such encouraging writeup God makes everything beautiful in his time

  3. @ipheoma you finally succeeded in making me cry with one of your write ups! That is so true! After 2 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs I thought I could never loose my soul in this journey but I recently started loosing it after the recent failed IVF. Everyone notices that I’m becoming a ghost and shadow of myself (and I’m usually the fun, bubbly life of the party kinda chic). Even today a colleague said to me that I’m not my usual lively self and I haven’t been that for some time now. But today towards the close of work I decided I was done! I’m tired of putting up all this front and coverage. I’m tired of loosing myself, my soul. I’m tired of pretending to be happy. I’m going back to being myself. Not this stranger this journey has turned me into. Thank you so much for this. Thank you!

  4. @Ipheoma, they are almost here, they will be worth the wait and every trouble.
    @ Mrs AL, I can only imagine what u are going thru, i pray God surprises u very soon, may HE renew your heart and give you joy everlasting

    Fertility blessings!!!

  5. Being thinking of the best way to reply your comment my darling @mrs-al but nothing seems good enough. God is on His throne. He would perfect all that concerns you. You are In our prayers alwayS and I know you shall testify. Sending bear hugs your way Hun

  6. I’m experiencing secondary infertility…I had my son in 2011 and started on the journey for another from 2013 till this moment. I have gone through one failed ivf, one failed iui, lost my right tube as a result of etopic preg,had a miscarriage in march this year and Im here still hoping that one day I will smile again.I have deliberately refused to let my family members and friends who have refused to understand that im not the giver of children to add to my already existing stress of TTC. My hopers and prayers is that my son will have siblings at the appointed time. Baby dust to all the waiting moms

    • Baby dust to you Jesus baby! I’m so sorry about the miscarriage and ectopic pregnancies, but it is an indication that you are able to conceive. Have you had a comprehensive hormonal examination. Please ensure they check for your progesterone, as that might be responsible for the inability to sustain a pregnancy.

      May God bless your heart’s desire. And please don’t let anyone add to your stress at all. At the appointed time, his siblings shall come!

      :hug:

  7. I can totally relate to this article. Thank you @ipheoma for this really lovely write up. AF showed up yesterday after 51 days. I cried a little while DH and I were talking about it. He was glad it finally showed up and that that must mean some activity was going on in there but I explained to him that either way its not normal activity 🙁 then I remembered my daily devotional of yesterday that said “God is not moved my tears but that we should hold on to His words and live by them, so I said to myself “positive things only”……. but still 🙁 God help us all. We are fruitful

  8. Am in tears why read it, cos is as if u know me nd my story before writing this. Thanks, this is so encouraging.

  9. @ipheoma, you have opened a torrent of emotions here. Everyone of us who desires these babies like nothing else will have them just because He has said, no one will be called barren. So, it is a done deal. It is His Word and it shall come to pass in our lives. Amen

  10. Awww……@ipheoma *lovestruck*It will sure be our turn soonest by God’s grace. I cant wait to share the news…(my period is due for next week i wish it wont come and that i will have a positive result)but again i have already started seeing or having the signs of period. Feeling disappointed but God is on the throne.

  11. I can so relate to this, after nearly four years of marriage im almost broken but God’s time is always the best like you all said. I still believe in miracles, I wish all of us trying for our precious ones God’s favor and Bless us soon.
    Baby dust to us all.

  12. Ipheoma… Why do I feel like you have lived in my house long enough to tell my story. This is my story… I wake up every day hoping that this nightmare will end. I don’t know how long, but I’ll wait…

  13. No matter how we pretend about it. This journey is not an easy one. I have come to realise that a woman cannot experience full joy and love in her marriage if she hasnt concieved and brought fort a baby . God please hasten to answer your children. Please give us this special gift that we desire so much. Help us to feel the joy of motherhood. Amen.

  14. So touching I pray all our prayers be answered soonest. Thanks Ifeoma for such encouraging writeup God makes everything beautiful in his time

  15. Awwww @ipheoma this is a wonderful piece, the babies are coming and when they do we shall be 100% ready for them, spiritually, mentally and all round.@mrs-al you actually made me cry but I always remember you words and I’m sending it back to you… God is too faithful to fail. We shall all rejoice in Jesus’ name

  16. @ipheoma what a story. Just what every woman ttcing goes through daily. I have have 3 failed iuis, about 7 clomid cycles and just started my first Ivf. It feels like an out of body experience for me am trying my best to be positive, can’t wait for all this to be over and to hold my baby ( trying not to be too greedy). Baby dust to all expecting.

  17. Pls my dears,any idea on how to tackle the waist pain? Mine usually comes when my pregnancy is about to abort or that am hoping to be pregnant.

  18. Hi Ritoo, it’s the root cause of the waist pain that needs to be tackled and you have said it. So, what has been the cause of your miscarriage(s)? Your doctor should have an idea.

  19. It’s not easy being in this TTC journey, but God is too faithful to fail. He will give us the strength to hold on until our desired change is come; the baby we so much hope for, because his word cannot lie. Thanks for this @ipheoma and may God bless us all seeking for this wonderful gift of a baby. It’s well!!

  20. Mrs. AL, your comment brought tears to my eyes. I’ve done 3 rounds of clomid without success and about to proceed to iui, heard iui has a slim chance of success. I’m so scared, sometimes I feel for hubby because of the money he has been spending on these treatments. I feel like I’m a failure already. This trying to conceive journey is so overwhelming. God please hear our cries.

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