The Reality of Choosing Your Egg Donor

Three Easter eggs with festive bow isolated on white background

Looking through all the pictures placed before her, Marian tightened her grip on her husband’s hand. That action said a lot of things; (1) “I never thought I would be in this position.” (2) “Sweets, are you sure you want to do this?” (3) “Why do you even love me sef?”

When she felt him return the gesture, she knew they were on course, and went on to scan through the photo album that contained donors, one of whom she might likely choose. Marian and her husband agreed to make their top choices, and then they would pick from that narrow pool.  They looked at age (most of them were around the same age), height, weight, facial structure, of which some did not resemble Marian’s at all. Marian especially looked for a face she felt attracted to, someone she could be friends with, if she hadn’t needed a donor. She looked at the interest of the donors, to see whose matched hers?

After some back and forth, they settled on a donor who had very slight physical resemblance to her, but whose interests and hobbies closely matched Marian’s (provided they were true). Marian felt some affinity for her, just by looking at her pictures. So they were interested in taking her on, even though they didn’t really want to meet her.

However, later, Marian changed her mind and she said she would like to meet her, just once to find out if her gut instincts about her being the type of person she would be attracted to were right or wrong, so a date was fixed for this meeting.

They were two nervous people in that room that day. Both Marian and her donor were nervous about the meeting. Instead of finding someone that had become hardened by life and having to make the choice to be an egg donor, she found a young lady who was soft spoken and gentle. Marian found her maternal instincts were stirred. She wanted to protect this one. No, that was not part of the deal, she had to tell herself, but it calmed her soul that her donor was who she was.

Marian and her husband did not just get to the place where they had no choice but to use a donor. It was a hard choice, but without it, they might have no children, barring any miracles. Interestingly, their love story followed the traditional route of first finding love, then marriage  but the last part, kids, had proved elusive.

They had been born in the same area, went to the same primary and secondary schools, but they had never been close, until they reconnected online on their school’s alumni group, and that was when their love story started.

It was as though, scales were peeled from both their eyes. They fell in love with each other so fast, it was shocking to some of their friends who had known them for ever, but there was no stopping their love. Living in different countries in no way stopped the flow of their love, instead it sort of strengthened it.


When they eventually got to see each other after 15 years, they were overjoyed, and started the preparation for their wedding immediately. They sorted out the introduction and traditional marriage within two months, and went on to schedule the wedding proper for the next two months.

Within those two months, they travelled back to Marian’s husband’s base, for wedding shopping, but they also started to try for a baby.   First month, nothing happened, as the witch showed up as normal, second month the same, but now this time, they were so harried with wedding preps, they couldn’t be bothered if it happened or not, so, it was pushed to the back of their minds.

During their honeymoon, Marian talked a lot of having lots of her husband’s mini-me’s, like five, she would tease him and he would insist, they were only having two kids, two boys, and they would be done. To get those mini-me’s, they had plenty of sex.

Months rolled into a year, and a year into another, but there was no baby. They were still having sex, just that it was now tinged with desperation. The hospital rounds started, and after going through three doctors, they found one who told them the truth; her eggs were immature. They were not viable for fertilization and she was just 31 years old. She was devastated by the news. How could it have happened to her? She wondered. The only light for her, after that investigation was the fact that her uterus was in an enviable state, thus, even if she produced only immature eggs, she was still fine enough to carry a pregnancy. That was the start of their journey into egg donation.  


Later, after they had chosen their donor, Marian started to replay the whole process and panicked. She panicked about the choice of the donors her husband had chosen, why did he choose only those who were on the big side, whereas, she was as tiny as they come? Is he now interested in plump women? So, he has been pretending all along to like my size?, she wondered. The thoughts just kept flowing into one another, and she said as much to him, which caused some grief between them.

She moved on to think about how they were basing their choice of donor on just a picture, and what the person said they were, but what if none of it was not true. What if the person had lied, just to get a shot at getting the money that came with the arrangement? These thoughts were part of what pushed her into wanting to meet her donor, an offer she had waived aside before.

Marian went on to have two successful cycles, using donor eggs, which resulted in the birth of two boys, exactly as their father had wanted. Incidentally, the boys are said to look like her, more than their dad, a fact that she just refuses to believe.

As for her husband liking plump women, she gained some weight from the two pregnancies, that refused to go afterwards, so that’s settled, even though, her husband still insists he is not attracted to her, because of her weight, or its lack thereof.

Every time he says that, she just gives him the yimu, and says, “story for the gods,” that even her husband has taken to saying that, every time after that statement.

Honestly, every time, I hear stories of the struggle TTC moms go through, it just confirms my initial impression that only strong women can go through infertility, as it is a journey that can break one’s spirit.

Stay strong moms, there is light at the end of it all.



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