While it is standard practice that everyone else makes your business their own, in our clime, it is not necessarily a welcome or even acceptable idea. It is repulsive in its very essence, but it is so common, so sewn into the fabric of our society that most people don’t know the appropriate answer to give anymore to the supposedly “concerned” questions.
From, “When are you going to get married” question directed at the single babe to, “So, when are you going to give him/her a sibling?” to a young couple, who have seemingly been together forever without any children, being chastised for wasting precious time, doing “me and my husband” The list goes on, and what it achieves in the end is to pile unnecessary pressure on the concerned individuals.
While most people would take it lying low, Tosin couldn’t. As a single babe in her early 30s, actively seeking a better half, doing everything short of putting a badge of “I’m looking for a husband” on herself. She has endured the comments about when she is going to marry for a long time now, especially now that her younger sister is married, while she, the middle sister, is yet to be in a steady relationship, not to mention being engaged to be married. That is a tall dream for now, and she has accepted her fate…for the time being.
However, she went rabid when her older sister was subjected to a similar treatment by a close family friend of theirs. This was someone, who had taken a bite out of Tosin on one too many occasions, and she had let her, but when she started to ask Tosin’s older sister about when was going to have kids, Tosin, did not even allow her sister reply with her standard, “In God’s own time.” She stepped in, and in plain language, told her to back off, “It is none of your business. When she has the baby, you will know.”
That was shocking! The family friend did not know how she scuttled away from the now two bristling sisters. She rushed off to tell their mother how her two older daughters have become very unfriendly, “Or is it because they are both waiting for a child and husband?” And her perfect response, “Is it not enough reason to be unfriendly?” literally shut her up. Now, there was no where else to go but to their circle of friends, to gossip about them. But that was fine by them…at least, she would tell of the different responses she got from both mother and daughters, which should put the fear of God into them and stop them rushing to confirm anything.
Tosin’s sister had gotten married, straight out of the university. It was a love match. Everything was going well with them. They were not trying to conceive immediately, nor were they indisposed to the idea of having a baby immediately either. So, for them, if it came right away, fine, if not, then it was still fine.
However, as the years went by, it became obvious that there might be an issue with conception. They were already married for three years, when , they decided to see the doctor about what could possibly be wrong. The verdict was low sperm count. Too low to ever fertilize an egg.
So, the husband was put on treatment, to see if his sperm would improve on its own accord. It did, but not to the extent that it would be able to do the job, so that extended their wait a little. However, by this time, you could feel the tension and the unspoken comments about when they were going to have kids. Tosin’s Mom blamed it on her son-in-law’s genes. That was when she remembered that his mother had waited for seven years after marriage, before she had her first child, and even that one had died. Her son-in-law was the second child, and he came exactly ten years after his parents had gotten married. By her thinking, the delay could only have been caused by the other side of the family. Of course, no one confirmed or denied what she believed.
The other grandmother-to-be meanwhile was anxious, thinking she might have passed her infertility on to her children, and she became over protective of them. She told everyone who came to ask her if that was how she would be looking, and her son would not have a child of his, to back off. “God, who did mine will do his”. “If I gave birth to him, then he will give birth to a child.” That was only possible, because she had walked in their shoes; she knew what infertility felt like, and was kind enough not to want to give her young daughter-In-law a rough time, like she got from her own mother-in-law.
So, in addition to Tosin, her sister has as Voltrons, her mother-in-law, and even her no nonsense mama, have become allies, without realising it. All of them, dishing out the perfect response of “Back off, it is none of your business” in a variety of ways.
Some friends and family do not get the message. Some do, and some are begnining to realise that it is no longer business as usual with Tosin and her sisters.
Not every one speaks, however, their body language says it all. A dirty look is usualy enough to let you know you have overstepped your boundaries and need to back off.
In the end, there is really no perfect answer. What I would say would be probably be different, but one thing is for sure, let the message be that intrusion and poke nosing is not welcome at all. Like Chrissy Teigen said to haters, “Get out of my uterus”
My body, my business!
My baby, my business!
Join the conversation with any of our TTC and Pregnancy Groups here