I love my mother to bits. As her only daughter, we grew up more as sisters. Before marriage, She was my first point of call in any situation and my favourite person to fight with. My mother has an awesome trait of worrying about me even more than I worry about myself and sometimes, that gets on my nerves especially now.
When trying to conceive takes longer than expected, every couple fight this battle in their own unique way. They try to manage the pressure it puts on their marriage without the strain that external pressure brings. Thus, in the bid to protect my marriage and my own sanity, I have had to shut my mother out since attempting to conceive our rainbow baby.
My mother is your typical African mother. The kind that will break and scatter whatever is causing her daughter not to conceive. The kind that will show up at your house at the crack of dawn with different potions and concoctions that will supposedly open up your womb and cast away whichever evil spirit that has made your womb its abode. The kind that will scream and wail with her hands on her head when she sees you wearing high heels because apparently, women who are trying to conceive are not supposed to look good.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and all her drama but how am I supposed to answer my mother when she asks me how often we are having sex because “the more, the merrier”. How am I supposed to console her when she deliberately comes to my house to complain because I don’t want to make her a grandmother or gets angry with me because I refuse to follow her to whichever prayer camp has been recommended to her.
I never thought I will be here, be at this place where I don’t want to answer my mother’s phone calls or even go home to see her. I never thought I will have “a problem” or a mother who thinks I have “a problem” and don’t want to find a solution.
Trying to conceive when it takes longer than expected is a journey no one prepares you for. It puts a strain on the people trying to make a baby without the need for an external pressure from well-meaning people.
I don’t think anyone wants me to be a mother more than I want it for myself. But can I go through whichever evasive tests the doctor recommends and weep with my husband when the period shows up without having to deal with the “God will remember you” “When are we having our grandchild?” comments. There is nothing I want more than to be vulnerable with my mother again without having to listen to her solutions. I want to be able to weep to my mother when I get my hopes crashed, without having to listen to a lecture. I want my mother to be my mother, not my doctor or pastor.
The African mother seems to think that life’s greatest achievement is to marry, then have kids. All other achievements seem like nothing in comparison to those two. Nobody cares that I have gone ahead to further my education whilst waiting for our babies because our babies are not here yet. My days are filled with stories about which of her friends is now a grandmother and whose fifth grandchild just finished primary school.
The African mother is a unique breed of love and annoyance especially in times like this. I wish I knew how best to tell my mother that I love her but I will appreciate if she takes a step back because I don’t have “a problem” that I need a solution to. How is your own mother handling your trying to conceive journey and how are you handling her “worry”?
Baby dust to us all!
Naa Kaay is a Ghanaian writer, who has been blogging for years, but recently started blogging about issues closer to her heart. Her blog mantra is “Holding on to faith, Meditating on the WORD, and reaching for the rainbow after the storm!â” (http://www.herecomesrainbow.blogspot.com)
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