Tayo’s Infertility Diary 19: Mindset

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May 19th, 2008

CD28 / 13DPO

I have tried really hard to stay positive…I really have. But today, all I want to do is just cry…

Today, full flow did not arrive…but the spotting just got worse. So, that’s three days of spotting. The Vitamin B6 I read would help with that isn’t even helping! I’m so fed up! I am getting back aches, and small cramps, so I know full flow must be on the way. Even after wasting all that money on the fertility monitor, I still didn’t get pregnant!!! I’m not sure if I’ll bother with it next cycle!

To make matters worse, I got my contract renewal for my current job, and the terms are just horrible. The money is by far below what is the industry average! I had actually thought it would be rectified with the renewal, but no, still the same! If I was pregnant, I would have stuck it out, for the sake of convenience and maternity pay…but I’m not pregnant…so I deserve better!

And I never heard back from Cisco, so I’m guessing that job won’t work out.

And to make matters worse, I found out that Natalia, Javier’s older sister, is pregnant! I don’t know what upset me more…the news, or how delicately Javier tried to break the news. The way he was stammering and fussing made me just want to punch him. But I didn’t. Instead, I had snapped at him, and proceeded to lock myself up in the room.

As I sulked, I recalled Natalia once telling me she was on birth control, and had been for years. With the youngest of her kids (the twins) being 9 years old, it made sense to me. But yet, she had gotten pregnant despite being on this birth control. Yet, I can’t seem to manage it, even with all the fertility monitors and long-distance booty calls!

The irony!

 

May 20th, 2008

Well, whatever! Forward ever, and backward never I guess.

Feeling very unmotivated, I came home early, and proceeded to do all the ironing, the dishes, cooked dinner, and even mopped the kitchen floor! Anything to get my mind of things.

I think that finally AF is almost here properly! In a funny kind of way, I’m actually looking forward to using the CBFM (fertility monitor) again. At least, Javier won’t be out of town, so there won’t be that added pressure of when I get a ‘peak’. I’ve also decided to try charting my temperature, so nobody will say I haven’t made a decent attempt!

When Javier got back, he was armed with all the meds I had asked him to buy from the pharmacy, on his way home. So I have a full cycle’s supply of vitamin B6 and folic acid.

Let’s see how it goes.

I haven’t called Natalia yet. I don’t think I’m quite ready to have that conversation.

Tomorrow maybe.

 

May 21st, 2008

On my way to work, I got a text from Yinka, Solape’s sister, saying she’s off to Nigeria tonight. I replied, wishing her a safe trip and good luck in her mission to bring Solape back to the UK. I absent mindedly asked her to let me know if she needed my help for anything, but deep inside, I hoped she wouldn’t. Call me a bad friend, but this Solape drama has really drained me! I need to conserve my energy for my own baby mission!

I almost forgot about our doctor’s appointment for later today. Thank God for the reminder on my phone. As I planned for the appointment, I made a mental note to talk about my spotting, my progesterone level, my early miscarriage, and my TTC efforts in general. I wasn’t sure if Javier would be adding anything else, but in my mind, I had a game plan!

But as soon as I opened my mouth, I just started crying. It took both Javier and the doctor about 10 minutes to pacify me. I guess it all got too much for me. Eventually, I told the doctor about the spotting, but he said he didn’t it’s a problem. I told him that by 9/10DPO, I always already know the cycle is a bust, because the spotting tells me so. I suggested the possibility of it being low progesterone, and he said even though it could be prescribed for me, he doesn’t want to, as he doesn’t think I need it. I explained about the miscarriage, and he went on and on about how the fact that I got pregnant so quickly is a very positive sign. At this point, I had started getting very frustrated!!! So, I insisted that I had read that early miscarriage could be due to low progesterone. I even threw in the fact that I will turn 32 in a few months, so age is no longer on my side…but he didn’t appear to be changing his mindset!

Then just as I was about to give up, he suggested I have the CD21 test! So I’ve been booked for that (actually on CD22, but that should be 7DPO hopefully!). I am so grateful to Javier, because it was when he spoke up about us not wanting to keep on TTC, and find out further down the line that there was something wrong all along, and that something could have been done about it, that the plonker of a doctor suggested the CD21 test!

Oh, and by the time I got home, the witch had landed…so it’s CD1, I guess!

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Catch up on Tayo’s Story here:

  1. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 1: The Beginning
  2. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 2: Little Drops…Big Drops 
  3. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 3: Time Keeper
  4. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 4: Don’t Faint…Don’t Look
  5. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 5: The Afterglow
  6. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 6: Irony
  7. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 7: Adulterer
  8. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 8: Catch 22
  9. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 9: Sister, Sister
  10. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 10: Goose Bumps 
  11. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 11: Gold Digger
  12. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 12: Peak
  13. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 12: Road Trip
  14. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 13: Emotional
  15. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 14: Awful Mess
  16. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 15: Pink Dresses
  17. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 16: My Love
  18. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 17: Summer

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