March 22nd, 2008
Today I am feeling better. The spotting yesterday was only a few dots in the end, and brown, so I am almost allowing myself to get excited and believe it was implantation. I still had twinges on my left side when I went to sleep, but when I got up, my knickers were clean. Little bit of colour when I wipe, and my abdomen is very warm, but otherwise I feel okay.
I did a test this afternoon…BFN, but I already knew that if my spotting was implantation, there wouldn’t be enough HCG yet – so I’m okay about it, and looking forward to testing tomorrow.
I met up with some girlfriends for lunch, and it felt great to just be ME again! It feels strange not to share with them that I’m TTC, but somehow, I’m not just ready for that. It feels strange, because these are my GIRRRLS! We have been friends with since our FGGC Oyo days, that’s about 20 years of friendship! But today, at the age of 31, our paths could not be more different. Busola has been married 8 years (she got married right out of Uni), and has a house full of kids (okay, I exaggerate…she has 3), and Anike is living up the single life…enjoying all the crazy money from her job in the City, and juggling a few men, both here and in Naija. But this afternoon, none of that mattered, and we were just girls! I noticed a raised eyebrow when I opted for non-alcoholic cocktails, but thankfully, neither of them asked…and that was fine by me!
Javier noticed my cheerful mood when I got home, and, for the first time in a few months, we were back to our old selves, laughing and teasing each other, and just enjoying each other’s company. But that was all suddenly cut short, when my stomach lurched. I barely made it to the bathroom before I lost my entire week’s worth of food.
By evening, I had been sick twice. At a point, I got really hot, and had to run outside to cool down and drink some water. I really don’t do sick…I’m terrible when ill! If you want to see me at my worst, come check me out when I’m under the weather. Back in secondary school, I was one of those people who would be talking gibberish nonsense every time I was down with malaria (much to the amusement of everyone around me…in fact, I still get teased about it!). But as bummed as I was about feeling ill, I was secretly happy, as I had never felt this way in any of the other cycles.
Alas, that hope was short-lived, as the spotting started getting heavier. As I write in my diary, it’s almost as heavy as a full-on bleed. I think this might be AF….
Of course, this started the water works, and I became a teary mess. But God bless my husband! Javier has been great. As I cried, he lay beside me on the bed, spooned me, and repeatedly told me he loves me, and what we’re going to do to make it work next month. As I drifted off in sleep, I found myself still holding on to that last shred of hope, prayed that the spotting would stop…that it wasn’t a bleed after all…and that I would get a positive pregnancy test.
What we have to go through… 😥
March 23rd, 2008
Well, AF got me!!! I was almost convinced that I had experienced implantation bleeding, but it is heavier today and I’m starting to ache, which I’m sure will be full on cramps later. I actually feel a bit better though.
Already planning next month – I’m not giving up that easy! I’ll be a bit gutted if my cycle lasts long, because if I conceive in April, it will be a January 2009 baby…and that sounds so far away! But hey, I don’t mind…I just want one!! I am going to keep charting my temperature, and using OPKs, but I have agreed with OH that we will for fun when we want, and only really force ourselves (if we have to) when we suspect I’m ovulating – we went a bit mad this month and knackered ourselves.
I hope I get full flow today, as I obviously want it over with A.S.A.P.
Later in the day, we went to Javier’s parents’ house, for a family Sunday roast. I enjoyed the family banter, and it helped take my mind off my own issues. I had a brief moment of wanting to confide in his Mom (I’m one of the lucky few whose Mothers-in-law have adopted them as a proper daughter…we are that close!), but I didn’t think Javier would be happy about that. So, I lost myself in family gist and good natured gossip, ate lots of good Mediterranean food, and just had a fantastic evening!
I still have spotting when I wipe, but mainly it is the aching low in the abdomen, and twinges, which I find very annoying. I would rather have full flow, and full on cramps and get this over and done with!!!
Oh well, lets see what tomorrow brings. After all, I’m still off work
AF – Aunt Flo (period)
BFN – Big Fat Negative
TTC – Trying To Conceive
Tayo’s Infertility Diary is published every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, at 9pm
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