Tayo’s Infertility Diary 14: Emotional


May 11th, 2008

I found myself tossing and turning all night. Have I really been a bad friend to Solape? But she lied to me bold faced! She could have told me the entire truth when I went to see her in Croydon, that first time. But no…she had chosen to tell me only her version of the truth! I have every right to be mad!

But still, sleep eluded me. I reached for phone, and listened to her sister’s voice message again. Why did she want me to call her? Solape had already been bundled back home to Nigeria. The case was officially closed…or wasn’t it?

It was only 5.30am, way too early to call her, even if I wanted to…so I proceeded to think of my current 2WW symptoms, and how it will be a terrible thing if this cycle is another bust…especially after driving all the way to Manchester for sex!

Fiddling with my phone, I proceeded to check out how I am supposed to be feeling at 5DPO. Cramps and twinges…yes, I have those. I’ve also been very sweaty recently…no thanks to all this humidity! Summer seems to have come earlier this year. On another site, I found loads, and I mean loads, of women who got their BFP, and had AF like cramps from as early as 4DPO. I really hope that this cycle is it.

At 7am, I was still tossing and turning. I looked across at my husband, and he was still sleeping like a baby. As I looked at him, I realized, for the millionth time, how much of a blessing he is to me, and how lucky I am to have him. He always finds a way to keep me grounded, and gives me reality checks when they are most needed. And I knew that, with this Solape matter, he was absolutely right.

Not caring how early it was, I proceeded to dial Yinka’s number. She had answered it on the second ring.

“Tayo!” she had exclaimed “Thank God! I didn’t think you’d call me back!”

I stammered an apology for calling so early, and she waved this aside, saying she had been awake for hours herself. We didn’t need a genie to tell us we were awake for the same reason.

She proceeded to tell me how she had only just found out about Solape’s pregnancy, and the whole scandal surrounding it. But what worried her more was finding out she had been whisked back to Nigeria. Knowing their mother, she knew that Solape’s life would be made a scorching hell on earth. Their mother was bound to bully and torment her about her condition, constantly reminding her of her mistake. And this had been confirmed when she had spoken to Solape a few days prior. Her younger sister had sounded broken.

I was really sad to hear this, but didn’t know how we could help her at this stage.

“I have to get her back here. Our Mother is a beast and will make that poor girl suffer! I want to see if I can bring her to stay here with me in Dublin.” Yinka had replied.

I nodded in agreement. It sounded like a good plan, but it wasn’t anything she needed my permission for. It still didn’t explain why I had to call her.

“But I also want to speak with Ugo” she continued “Solape’s phones have been seized, and she hasn’t been able to make any contact with him, since she left his house for Bukky’s place. She says you can help me contact him”

Ah…there it was. Well, that was doable. At the very least, the guy deserved to know. So, I made a promise to pay him a visit, considering I don’t have his number.

Getting off the call, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest, and I proceeded to sleep like a baby, until 11am, after which Javier and I had breakfast, and enjoyed a lazy day at home, before setting off for his sister’s house in Surrey, for her birthday dinner.

As was always the case with Javier’s family gatherings, it was a lovely evening, full of jokes, laughter, and friendly banter. I hadn’t even gotten any pitiful looks from anyone (especially after Javier had let it slip that we are TTC). It was all as wonderful and jovial as it always was…but I couldn’t shake the feeling of sadness that was weighing on me, heavier and heavier by the second. And when Natalia cut her cake, flanked by her husband, 11 year old son, and 9 year old twin girls, I felt like a failure! At the grand old age of almost 32, what do I have to show for it?! As we all applauded, Javier squeezed my hand. I looked up at him, and I could tell that he knew exactly what I was thinking…and could also feel my pain. My husband knows me too well.

Luckily, the evening came to an end shortly after. As we set off to leave, Natalia’s hug was more emotional than normal…and conveyed that she too had noticed. I smiled sadly, and she kissed me on both cheeks. “Call me, okay!” she whispered.

As Javier and I walked to the nearby train station, I wondered if I would ever be a Mom.

I really pray so…




Catch up on Tayo’s Story here:

  1. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 1: The Beginning
  2. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 2: Little Drops…Big Drops 
  3. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 3: Time Keeper
  4. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 4: Don’t Faint…Don’t Look
  5. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 5: The Afterglow
  6. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 6: Irony
  7. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 7: Adulterer
  8. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 8: Catch 22
  9. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 9: Sister, Sister
  10. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 10: Goose Bumps 
  11. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 11: Gold Digger
  12. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 12: Peak
  13. Tayo’s Infertility Diary 12: Road Trip




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