Before I had my daughter, I wrote some letters and notes for her. When I was trying to conceive, I wrote a lot because I could almost connect to that baby I knew I was going to have someday. I could not understand the delay, and why she wasn’t showing up yet, but I decided to stay connected to her either ways. She became my angel in heaven and most nights, I begged her to come to me soon, promising to make her an happy home. I had dreams of her swinging happily in the sunlight in heaven and running around in beautiful endless fields.
When I did become pregnant, I continued my love letters as it seemed like only a matter of time, and that angel I dreamt about was going to finally be with me. In the midst of what pregnancy does a woman, I never lost sight of the miracle taking place in my body. Thanks to the Internet, I could tell when she was as small as a nut, and then an orange, and so on. I could tell “Oh, it’s your eyes that are forming this week”. Pregnancy is truly a beautiful miracle, one that I am grateful to have experienced, and as I share one of the letters I wrote to my angel when she was forming inside me, I pray that the angels of all of us still TTC come sooner to us, because we are the best angel-caretakers ever. Enjoy!
I write this to you from the deepest parts of my soul. Heaven heard my cry and sent you to me. I know how much fun you have in heaven, and how much beauty is there…so much so that everything else on earth pales in comparison. But I am glad you chose to come to me. You entered my womb, formed and made my life whole and complete. There were times when I thought I was never going to be chosen for such an awesome task as this. This is a greater blessing than what I could ever have imagined and I cherish the very opportunity to have life grow on the inside of me. I can almost imagine you in my head, as I carry you around in my womb and in my heart. I see you beautiful, bouncing, giggly, happy and full of kind smiles. I could swear I can almost tell the sound of your laughter because I have read it ring a lot in my dreams. I see your big brown eyes, so innocent and pure, and your caramel lovely skin. I see you playful, chubby and happy to be around. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms!
Feeling you inside me gives me such sensation that I could hardly put into words. It such a joy! This state of mom-to-be! You create a glow in me that I never knew I would see. It is true happiness that gets me walking on cloud nine, manifesting the inner joy within me. That I am going to be a mother; your mother! That you are my child, my baby, my heart, my beauty. You wiped away all my tears and turned my sorrow into dancing. I have peace of mind now, because you chose to show up. You could have made me wait longer, but you decided to come, just when I was getting to my breaking point. I pray that we have a bond that nothing or no-one would break. Not my career goals, nor your teenage years, nor any boys you choose to love as you grow, nor my traditional norms and expectations. I pray that the bond we already share, would help us remain best of friends for the rest of my life. I really need that.
The intense emotions I feel make it hard for me to dwell on my changing body, and the reality that things are not going to be the same again after you. I have stretch marks and varicose veins already, even shea butter is having a hard time holding them back. I have also become nocturnal as you kick, and I turn and toss all through most nights; only managing to fall asleep at 5am. My breasts are huge and they sometimes hurt, and my tummy itches me a lot too. Sometimes, my feet get swollen and I have to take very long walks with your father so it can ease out. Did I forget to add that my usually pointed nose is twice its regular size now? Plus, my wedding band can’t pass through my ring finger anymore! It is amazing how much changes can come to a human body all at once, and though I know that some of these changes are permanent, for you, I would do it all over again. You are worth any price I have to pay and I embrace this journey; stretch marks, swollen feet and all.
Sweet heart, you are God”s special creation; a designer’s masterpiece. I can hardly wait for you to enter the world and light up the faces of people as you grow. I pray that you bring light into this dark world, and retain that light even when the forces of life try to dim it out. You are a magnificent exquisite gift from God, a proof of the love that your father and I share. A proof of our unwavering faith and enduring love. Speaking of your father; I see that you have his eyes! Which are a good thing because you would be able to see the world and look at all things with wisdom. However, I hope you have my brave, selfless spirit; so you go out of your way to get things done for people, and you can also face life with every bravery and courage as winners should. Believe me, courage and kindness are the two most important traits you would need.
And yeah, I hope you have my curiosity too! There is nothing wrong with asking questions, my dear. In fact, that is one of the surest ways to be intelligent. But I hope you also have your father’s spirit of discernment; so you can be cautious of any door you get through, and also know when to hold on, and when to let go. Have my big emotional heart, so you can feel things, understand people’s pain and stay real. It doesn’t do damage to have a broken heart once or twice, you would get stronger thereby. But temper my emotional heart with your father’s sense of calm, so you remain unshaken when life throws you curves, and you can stay strong enough to handle your feelings well. If I am not asking for too much, please have my sense of humour, so you can laugh ever so often, but also have your father’s sense of duty, so you know when to hang out with friends, and when to stay in and study.
These are my hopes and wishes for you. You can be anything you wish to be, however; trust me, I would love you even more so. I can’t wait for you to get here and for my life as a mother to start. I know it won’t be easy, especially the early years, but we would get through it. You make my heart sing already! I know I shall be singing a lot to you. I love you dearly, baby angel.
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