February 20th, 2009
Well, there was no such luck on Valentines day…or any other day in fact. I am getting sooooo fed up now. I don’t know what frustrates me more…him trying so hard, or the fact that it doesn’t happen at all.
The day had started with enough promise. We had eaten the good food, listened to Luther Vandross and Freddie Jackson, cuddled on the sofa, I had performed a strip tease, to show off the very sexy (but very uncomfortable) lingerie…everything was in motion for a night of unbridled passion. He had gotten an erection easily, and I had thought it was a sign of great things to come. Alas, what followed was our usual pattern…with him pumping and pumping…initially motivated by his own arousal, and then eventually as a result of his frustration. I always knew the very instant it changed from passionate thrusts, to the pounding motion of a frustrated man. And no matter what moves I pulled, or what angle I lifted my hips, it was always inevitable for me to feel his erection deflate to limp muscle.
And last night was no different. Once again, we had failed.
It’s been 6 days since the last disaster, and I can feel myself reaching my wits end. I’m not sure how much longer of this I can take.
March 3rd, 2009
I don’t think I can do this any more.
I’m fed up! Fed up of doing everything we are supposed to, and it not working. Fed up of having a husband who wants to bury his head in the sand. Fed up of doctors who won’t take this seriously. Fed up of seeing baby bumps and newborns everywhere I look. Fed up of not belonging anywhere. Fed up that I have never, not once, experienced the TWW. Fed up that I have never had to take a pregnancy test. Fed up of people telling me it will be my turn soon. Fed up that the stupid evil witch is here again.
I’m fed up, fed up, fed up, fed up!!!!
March 19th, 2009
It’s been a rough few weeks. Very rough. Nothing much has changed. For the last three and a half years, I have tried to remain positive and hopeful, but I think my PMA has finally run dry!
I have always been convinced it will happen sometime, but now I feel like I got hit with a big heavy brick with a note tied on it saying “it will never happen”. I am filled with so many doubts…doubts that I never had before.
Babs is still convinced that it is just a matter of waiting for things to go right. It’s easy for him to say. He’s not the one who has to lie down and feel my husband lose his erection, whilst I’m trying to pleasure him. He’s not the one that has to feel that sadness. I feel like I want to shake him into some action, but no longer have the energy to fight.
And to make things worse, it is Mothers Day on Sunday, and everywhere I turn all I see are mothers day advertisements.
Right now, I need to meet someone with some PMA to spare. I don’t like walking about with a big black cloud over me!
March 23rd, 2009
Still no progress. But to be honest, we haven’t really tried to make any progress. I haven’t really felt in the mood to deal with any failure. It’s not really the right attitude I know, but I just can’t help it.
When we were still undergoing therapy, the Therapist had told us that the problem might be solved if Babs reduced, or completely stopped, any alcohol consumption. But the thing is, he hardly even drinks, so I knew that trying that wouldn’t make an impact. The truth is, we have hit a brick wall…and have no idea how to scale it…
Anyways, Mothers Day wasn’t too bad. I often think that the anticipation is worse than the reality! The day came, and it went…end of story. I have now realized that, as long as I stay within the confines of my home, I’ll definitely be fine…and I was. Perfectly fine…but only for the day.
March 25th, 2009
I did a lot of soul searching yesterday. I think our biggest problem is that we are both so focused on him climaxing, that we are creating a barrier before we even start.
On the positive side, we have actually made a lot of progress, the three plus years we have been trying. I can make him climax by hand every time we try now, which was impossible six months ago. So I am hopeful that it will happen during intercourse…eventually. We just need to keep practicing, get him to and relax a bit…I guess…
I have decided not to give up…and to give it my all. I will certainly try focusing more on him. I think I have been trying to make him focus on me more, thinking it would distract him from thinking too much about climaxing. Perhaps that isn’t the way to go!
At this point, I’m ready to try anything!!
My name is Morayo. I’m a TTC Warrior…and I’m far too stubborn to give up.
Catch up on Morayo’s story here:
- Morayo’s Mountain 1: TTC Warrior
- Morayo’s Mountain 2: Soul Mate
- Morayo’s Mountain 3: Grateful for the little things
- Morayo’s Mountain 4: Family Secret