Morayo’s Mountain 43: I Don’t Need Anti-Depressants!!!

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November 1st, 2011

Do you know you can sit in an open plan office with 21 people and cry without anyone noticing? I found that out today. Granted, I’m tucked away in a corner…but still.

So yeah…it was another bad day.

 

November 2nd, 2011

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I had my 6 monthly appraisal today, and it went amazingly well!. As I was chatting with my manager about the big age gap in our team, and she asked me how old I thought one girl was. I was shocked when she said she’s 44!!! She totally doesn’t look it, and I laughed and said you can always spot those without kids because they look younger, and she said she would rather have loads of wrinkles and a baby. She is 42, in a long term relationship and childless. I immediately felt a kinship with her, but she didn’t want to talk about that aspect of her life, which was fine because I didn’t either.

Either way I’m thinking she is going to be spectacularly supportive when I tell her I’m doing IVF next year.

 

November 8th, 2011

So, my doctor has put me on anti-depressants and placed a TTC ban for 6 months. Since our failed IVF, I have dug myself into a big dark pit and I haven’t been able to drag myself out of it. He is also referring me for counselling, which will take, would you believe, about a year!!!

Who on earth has that kind of time???!!

The truth is, I don’t think I’m that bad anymore. I’ve only just lost a bit of my spark. I kept thinking it will be okay when I get through the due date or the anniversary of the cycle, but it hasn’t seemed to get any better.

 

November 12th, 2011

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I still haven’t started the anti depressants. I’m just not sure I am ‘that’ bad at the moment. I’m loads better than I was a few months ago. I’m just scared the drugs will make me numb and not feeling like me…

 

November 14th, 2011

The AF from hell has arrived today. I had so much planned. It’s Babs’ birthday tomorrow, but I haven’t had the energy to do very much at all. I hate it when that happens. Such a waste of a day off work!!

Rotten AF!

 

November 15th, 2011

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Happy birthday to my beloved Babs! I was able to pull myself together and take him out for dinner. He loved the gift I got him (a watch), and we were able to move on from all that’s been going on with us…even if it was only for a day.

 

November 18th, 2011

One of my close friends has announced her pregnancy today. I’m so happy for her but I’m everything else as well.

Why is life so unfair?!!

 

November 20th, 2011

Babs asked me today why we’re delaying the IVF. The truth is that we could start at any time to be honest. But I’d like to sort our money out a bit first, and we are waiting to see if Babs gets promoted…which will help us a lot.

But part of me is just delaying it because I am scared. Scared it won’t work again. Scared it will, and my life gets turned upside down and everything changes.

 

November 24th, 2011

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Work has settled down a bit, which helps an unbelieveable amount.

It sounds weird but I’m glad Babs’ birthday is out of the way as well. I really wanted it to be special and I stressed myself out making it perfect!

Anyways, I think we are looking at April/May for our next cycle. Who knows. So so scared, I barely know how to express it. I feel like I don’t know what I want any more. I wish whatever is going to be would just happen without me having to make a decision!

 

December 6th, 2011

Not much to report here. I’ve got my initial assessment appointment on 4th January, with the counsellor. No idea how long the whole process will take. I’m not sure I’ll go though, as I’m feeling loads better than I have in months. But we’ll see.

Still planning/hoping for an April/May 2012 cycle. Scared…but getting slowly hopeful.

 

My name is Morayo. I’m a TTC Warrior…and I’m far too stubborn to give up.

 

Catch up on Morayo’s story here:

  1. Morayo’s Mountain 1: TTC Warrior
  2. Morayo’s Mountain 2: Soul Mate
  3. Morayo’s Mountain 3: Grateful for the little things
  4. Morayo’s Mountain 4: Family Secret
  5. Morayo’s Mountain 5: Fed Up
  6. Morayo’s Mountain 6: The Weekend
  7. Morayos’ Mountain 7: Missing Period
  8. Morayo’s Mountain 8: A Problem Shared
  9. Morayo’s Mountain 9: Insemination Cups
  10. Morayo’s Mountain 10: Obsessed
  11. Morayo’s Mountain 11: Botched Cycle
  12. Morayo’s Mountain 12: Psych Myself
  13. Morayo’s Mountain 13: Broody
  14. Morayo’s Mountain 14: Confused and Confuddled
  15. Morayo’s Mountain 15: Another Two Week Wait
  16. Morayo’s Mountain 16: One More Cycle
  17. Morayo’s Mountain 17: Back to the Doctors
  18. Morayo’s Mountain 18: We’re going to beat this thing
  19. Morayo’s Mountain 19: Live to fight another day
  20. Morayo’s Mountain 20: Nightmare Mother-In-Law
  21. Morayo’s Mountain 21: Baby Dreaming
  22. Morayo’s Mountain 22: Those Swimmers are Mine
  23. Morayo’s Mountain 23: What ever happened to Karma?
  24. Morayo’s Mountain 24: The Year of the BFP
  25. Morayo’s Mountain 25: Not ready for motherhood after all!
  26. Morayo’s Mountain 26: Happy Little Bunny
  27. Morayo’s Mountain 27: Mothers Day Blues
  28. Morayo’s Mountain 28: It only takes one
  29. Morayo’s Mountain 29: Of Sperm…and Wine
  30. Morayo’s Mountain 30: Up and Down
  31. Morayo’s Mountain 31: Evil Witch
  32. Morayo’s Mountain 32: The Angels are telling me something
  33. Morayo’s Mountain 33: Start Date
  34. Morayo’s Mountain 34: I can’t do this
  35. Morayo’s Mountain 35: Seriously?!
  36. Morayo’s Mountain 36: Panic Attack
  37. Morayo’s Mountain 37: No attachment
  38. Morayo’s Mountain 38: Rollercoaster 
  39. Morayo’s Mountain 39: Broken
  40. Morayo’s Mountain 40: Holiday BFP
  41. Morayo’s Mountain 41: I need a hug
  42. Morayo’s Mountain 42: Light at the end of the tunnel

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