November 1st, 2011
Do you know you can sit in an open plan office with 21 people and cry without anyone noticing? I found that out today. Granted, I’m tucked away in a corner…but still.
So yeah…it was another bad day.
November 2nd, 2011
I had my 6 monthly appraisal today, and it went amazingly well!. As I was chatting with my manager about the big age gap in our team, and she asked me how old I thought one girl was. I was shocked when she said she’s 44!!! She totally doesn’t look it, and I laughed and said you can always spot those without kids because they look younger, and she said she would rather have loads of wrinkles and a baby. She is 42, in a long term relationship and childless. I immediately felt a kinship with her, but she didn’t want to talk about that aspect of her life, which was fine because I didn’t either.
Either way I’m thinking she is going to be spectacularly supportive when I tell her I’m doing IVF next year.
November 8th, 2011
So, my doctor has put me on anti-depressants and placed a TTC ban for 6 months. Since our failed IVF, I have dug myself into a big dark pit and I haven’t been able to drag myself out of it. He is also referring me for counselling, which will take, would you believe, about a year!!!
Who on earth has that kind of time???!!
The truth is, I don’t think I’m that bad anymore. I’ve only just lost a bit of my spark. I kept thinking it will be okay when I get through the due date or the anniversary of the cycle, but it hasn’t seemed to get any better.
November 12th, 2011
I still haven’t started the anti depressants. I’m just not sure I am ‘that’ bad at the moment. I’m loads better than I was a few months ago. I’m just scared the drugs will make me numb and not feeling like me…
November 14th, 2011
The AF from hell has arrived today. I had so much planned. It’s Babs’ birthday tomorrow, but I haven’t had the energy to do very much at all. I hate it when that happens. Such a waste of a day off work!!
November 15th, 2011
Happy birthday to my beloved Babs! I was able to pull myself together and take him out for dinner. He loved the gift I got him (a watch), and we were able to move on from all that’s been going on with us…even if it was only for a day.
November 18th, 2011
One of my close friends has announced her pregnancy today. I’m so happy for her but I’m everything else as well.
Why is life so unfair?!!
November 20th, 2011
Babs asked me today why we’re delaying the IVF. The truth is that we could start at any time to be honest. But I’d like to sort our money out a bit first, and we are waiting to see if Babs gets promoted…which will help us a lot.
But part of me is just delaying it because I am scared. Scared it won’t work again. Scared it will, and my life gets turned upside down and everything changes.
November 24th, 2011
Work has settled down a bit, which helps an unbelieveable amount.
It sounds weird but I’m glad Babs’ birthday is out of the way as well. I really wanted it to be special and I stressed myself out making it perfect!
Anyways, I think we are looking at April/May for our next cycle. Who knows. So so scared, I barely know how to express it. I feel like I don’t know what I want any more. I wish whatever is going to be would just happen without me having to make a decision!
December 6th, 2011
Not much to report here. I’ve got my initial assessment appointment on 4th January, with the counsellor. No idea how long the whole process will take. I’m not sure I’ll go though, as I’m feeling loads better than I have in months. But we’ll see.
Still planning/hoping for an April/May 2012 cycle. Scared…but getting slowly hopeful.
My name is Morayo. I’m a TTC Warrior…and I’m far too stubborn to give up.
Catch up on Morayo’s story here:
- Morayo’s Mountain 1: TTC Warrior
- Morayo’s Mountain 2: Soul Mate
- Morayo’s Mountain 3: Grateful for the little things
- Morayo’s Mountain 4: Family Secret
- Morayo’s Mountain 5: Fed Up
- Morayo’s Mountain 6: The Weekend
- Morayos’ Mountain 7: Missing Period
- Morayo’s Mountain 8: A Problem Shared
- Morayo’s Mountain 9: Insemination Cups
- Morayo’s Mountain 10: Obsessed
- Morayo’s Mountain 11: Botched Cycle
- Morayo’s Mountain 12: Psych Myself
- Morayo’s Mountain 13: Broody
- Morayo’s Mountain 14: Confused and Confuddled
- Morayo’s Mountain 15: Another Two Week Wait
- Morayo’s Mountain 16: One More Cycle
- Morayo’s Mountain 17: Back to the Doctors
- Morayo’s Mountain 18: We’re going to beat this thing
- Morayo’s Mountain 19: Live to fight another day
- Morayo’s Mountain 20: Nightmare Mother-In-Law
- Morayo’s Mountain 21: Baby Dreaming
- Morayo’s Mountain 22: Those Swimmers are Mine
- Morayo’s Mountain 23: What ever happened to Karma?
- Morayo’s Mountain 24: The Year of the BFP
- Morayo’s Mountain 25: Not ready for motherhood after all!
- Morayo’s Mountain 26: Happy Little Bunny
- Morayo’s Mountain 27: Mothers Day Blues
- Morayo’s Mountain 28: It only takes one
- Morayo’s Mountain 29: Of Sperm…and Wine
- Morayo’s Mountain 30: Up and Down
- Morayo’s Mountain 31: Evil Witch
- Morayo’s Mountain 32: The Angels are telling me something
- Morayo’s Mountain 33: Start Date
- Morayo’s Mountain 34: I can’t do this
- Morayo’s Mountain 35: Seriously?!
- Morayo’s Mountain 36: Panic Attack
- Morayo’s Mountain 37: No attachment
- Morayo’s Mountain 38: Rollercoaster
- Morayo’s Mountain 39: Broken
- Morayo’s Mountain 40: Holiday BFP
- Morayo’s Mountain 41: I need a hug
- Morayo’s Mountain 42: Light at the end of the tunnel