May 29th, 2011
I’ve decided to shake out of funk and plow ahead with my plans to make the most of this year.
So…I booked a photo session with the photographer who did Babs’ sister’s wedding a few years ago. Just for me. I just figured that after I’ve had my IVF twins, my body will be effectively ruined and it would be good to capture it before that happens!!!
Ha, ha! At least my sense of humour is returning!
June 3rd, 2011
It’s booked!!! My photo session is on the 7th July at 12:30, and is expected to last aboutr three hours. I’m sooooo excited (although I expect that I will be really nervous closer to the time).
Babs thinks I’m bonkers, but he doesn’t understand that it is seemingly banal things like this that help with my healing. I’m sure he’ll change his mind when he sees the pictures!
July 7th, 2011
Today has been the best by far! I had my photoshoot! What a confidence boost that was! I really really enjoyed it and the photographer said several times that I am very relaxed in front of the camera!!! I did loads of different poses and wore a few different sets of lingerie.
We got on so well, that I was soon telling him all about our fertility treatments and the failed IVF. He then showed me a lot of the baby photographs he has done, and said one day she’ll be doing mine. That really really touched me!
He also couldn’t believe I’m 35 this year. It even surprised me, as I said the age. 35!!! Eeek! I can feel my eggs shrivelling up and dying as I speak!!
July 12th, 2011
It’s two days until what would have been my due date.
Who am I kidding?! My heart is still broken…
October 21st, 2011
It’s been a long time since I’ve written in this diary. I don’t even know why I’m writing today…except that I don’t know where else to go.
A whole year today since my two embryos were put inside me and I was PUPO. A whole year later, and I have never felt further from my dream of being a mum.
I don’t think we can afford to try again. Babs’ job is uncertain and we are only just making ends meet now. And neither of us will be getting a pay rise in the next two years.
I’m 35 and my life feels so empty and pointless. I haven’t got much more time to make it happen. I’ve done nothing but cry for the last two days. Babs doesn’t know what to do to help. He really doesn’t understand what it is like. No one seems to care or want to help.
More than anything I just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on but there is no one there. They may have only been with me for 10 days, but really miss those little embies…
October 26th, 2011
Babs and I had a long talk today. It isn’t paying for a cycle that is the problem. If we scrape and scrap, we should be able to come up with the money. It is living afterwards that I worry about. We literally scrape by each month. I can’t imagine how we would find money for baby things, childcare etc. There is nothing else we can cut back on, and with promotion freezes, pay cuts, etc., it just won’t be possible.
Oh, and another pregnancy was announced at work today. I hate how unfair life is. And she only got married last year.
Seems so cruel…
October 28th, 2011
So, there might be light at the end of tunnel after all.
There is a chance Babs might get a promotion in the next few months. So, we might not have money worries after all. And as we are the last of both of our families to have a baby (the whole bloody lot of them overtook us in the last six years!), we figure there has to be a lot of baby stuff in the family to spare.
This could actually happen. Not for a while. But next year maybe. I just need Babs to get that promotion so we can afford childcare and food and stuff…
But here’s to hoping!
My name is Morayo. I’m a TTC Warrior…and I’m far too stubborn to give up.
Catch up on Morayo’s story here:
- Morayo’s Mountain 1: TTC Warrior
- Morayo’s Mountain 2: Soul Mate
- Morayo’s Mountain 3: Grateful for the little things
- Morayo’s Mountain 4: Family Secret
- Morayo’s Mountain 5: Fed Up
- Morayo’s Mountain 6: The Weekend
- Morayos’ Mountain 7: Missing Period
- Morayo’s Mountain 8: A Problem Shared
- Morayo’s Mountain 9: Insemination Cups
- Morayo’s Mountain 10: Obsessed
- Morayo’s Mountain 11: Botched Cycle
- Morayo’s Mountain 12: Psych Myself
- Morayo’s Mountain 13: Broody
- Morayo’s Mountain 14: Confused and Confuddled
- Morayo’s Mountain 15: Another Two Week Wait
- Morayo’s Mountain 16: One More Cycle
- Morayo’s Mountain 17: Back to the Doctors
- Morayo’s Mountain 18: We’re going to beat this thing
- Morayo’s Mountain 19: Live to fight another day
- Morayo’s Mountain 20: Nightmare Mother-In-Law
- Morayo’s Mountain 21: Baby Dreaming
- Morayo’s Mountain 22: Those Swimmers are Mine
- Morayo’s Mountain 23: What ever happened to Karma?
- Morayo’s Mountain 24: The Year of the BFP
- Morayo’s Mountain 25: Not ready for motherhood after all!
- Morayo’s Mountain 26: Happy Little Bunny
- Morayo’s Mountain 27: Mothers Day Blues
- Morayo’s Mountain 28: It only takes one
- Morayo’s Mountain 29: Of Sperm…and Wine
- Morayo’s Mountain 30: Up and Down
- Morayo’s Mountain 31: Evil Witch
- Morayo’s Mountain 32: The Angels are telling me something
- Morayo’s Mountain 33: Start Date
- Morayo’s Mountain 34: I can’t do this
- Morayo’s Mountain 35: Seriously?!
- Morayo’s Mountain 36: Panic Attack
- Morayo’s Mountain 37: No attachment
- Morayo’s Mountain 38: Rollercoaster
- Morayo’s Mountain 39: Broken
- Morayo’s Mountain 40: Holiday BFP
- Morayo’s Mountain 41: I need a hug