February 6th, 2011
I’ve got a whole grass is greener situation going on. How on earth can I have a crush on someone at my age?! I’m 34, for goodness sake. Surely you grow out of things like that as a teenager?!?!
He is a friend from work. We’ve been friends for years and nothing. Just the last few months things have changed a bit. We’ve got closer. Guess it is just because Babs and I are having bit of a rough patch, and he is always so bloody busy that I come second to everything else and only get what is left over (which isn’t a lot most of the time). I’m really looking forward to our holiday, so we can get back on track!!
The trouble is all of Babs’ faults are all the things that my friend is amazing with. I am sensible enough to know he probably has a million annoying faults of his own, that I just never see though!
We had a work night out on Friday and ended up in a nearby bar. It took nearly all my self control not to do something stupid (and believe me, I know it would be really stupid). And sober in the cold light of day, I don’t really want anything to change. I love Babs to bits and would be lost without him.
March 15th, 2011
Oh dear! It’s been ages since I updated this diary!
Our holiday was great. But it has made us realise how bad our marriage is at the moment. We aren’t connecting or supporting each other as we should. So we came to the desicion to stop TTC. And we’re not going to talk about starting it again until January 2012, but at the moment I’m not sure we will ever go back to TTC. We need this year to get ourselves back on track.
I thought it would be a difficult decision, but it really wasn’t. My broodiness has gone totally. I saw loads of babies on holiday, and we were just thankful it wasn’t us!!! It was a very odd feeling after being so broody for so long.
I’m not sure what is going to happen. I pray it all works out…
March 31st, 2011
I would have been 25 weeks pregnant today, if the IVF had worked. I can’t stop thinking about it today. I need a hug…
April 1st, 2011
I’m no better today really. I think it is because it is mothers day this weekend. I honestly believed that last year’s would be my last one without a baby. Well, this one then!
I can’t get the “what ifs” out of my head! I can’t stop questioning why my babies didn’t want to stay with me. I can’t blow the big black cloud above me away.
However, what I can do is eat Chinese and drink lots of wine, which I’m going to do tonight.
April 3rd, 2011
This will sound bizarre, but I don’t want another baby!!! I want the ones who didn’t want to stay around.! Until I finish grieving for the failed IVF, I can’t move forward. Not fair on anyone.
It doesn’t make any sense. I’m not at all broody. I don’t feel the slightest inclination to TTC. I just want the two from when I was PUPO…Is that strange?
May 23rd, 2011
I haven’t filled this diary in so very long! Well, nothing new to report in here. We think we have the money sorted to go for the next round of IVF, but I really don’t want to do it. I don’t want a different baby. I want my two embies who didn’t stick. It doesn’t make any sense to anyone, so I’ve decided to go for some counselling. I can’t believe I am the only one who feels like this.
I can’t stop thinking about the pregnancy I should be in. How far along I would be. What I would be feeling like. Looking like. Organising now. I think I need to get myself through 14th July, and what what my due date would have been…
I was having a bad day on Saturday and confided in a friend. Imagine her cheek, telling me I just need to accept things and find something to fill my time. Something to fill my time??!!. I mean, seriously. Is that really what people think?! Two hours a week doing sometime random will stop me wanting to be a mum?! Insensitive much. And so easy to say when you have two children running around your feet!!!!!
But on the plus side, things are back on track with Babs and I. He had been really sick with pneumonia. I think something like that makes you take stock of what you do have.
My name is Morayo. I’m a TTC Warrior…and I’m far too stubborn to give up.
Catch up on Morayo’s story here:
- Morayo’s Mountain 1: TTC Warrior
- Morayo’s Mountain 2: Soul Mate
- Morayo’s Mountain 3: Grateful for the little things
- Morayo’s Mountain 4: Family Secret
- Morayo’s Mountain 5: Fed Up
- Morayo’s Mountain 6: The Weekend
- Morayos’ Mountain 7: Missing Period
- Morayo’s Mountain 8: A Problem Shared
- Morayo’s Mountain 9: Insemination Cups
- Morayo’s Mountain 10: Obsessed
- Morayo’s Mountain 11: Botched Cycle
- Morayo’s Mountain 12: Psych Myself
- Morayo’s Mountain 13: Broody
- Morayo’s Mountain 14: Confused and Confuddled
- Morayo’s Mountain 15: Another Two Week Wait
- Morayo’s Mountain 16: One More Cycle
- Morayo’s Mountain 17: Back to the Doctors
- Morayo’s Mountain 18: We’re going to beat this thing
- Morayo’s Mountain 19: Live to fight another day
- Morayo’s Mountain 20: Nightmare Mother-In-Law
- Morayo’s Mountain 21: Baby Dreaming
- Morayo’s Mountain 22: Those Swimmers are Mine
- Morayo’s Mountain 23: What ever happened to Karma?
- Morayo’s Mountain 24: The Year of the BFP
- Morayo’s Mountain 25: Not ready for motherhood after all!
- Morayo’s Mountain 26: Happy Little Bunny
- Morayo’s Mountain 27: Mothers Day Blues
- Morayo’s Mountain 28: It only takes one
- Morayo’s Mountain 29: Of Sperm…and Wine
- Morayo’s Mountain 30: Up and Down
- Morayo’s Mountain 31: Evil Witch
- Morayo’s Mountain 32: The Angels are telling me something
- Morayo’s Mountain 33: Start Date
- Morayo’s Mountain 34: I can’t do this
- Morayo’s Mountain 35: Seriously?!
- Morayo’s Mountain 36: Panic Attack
- Morayo’s Mountain 37: No attachment
- Morayo’s Mountain 38: Rollercoaster
- Morayo’s Mountain 39: Broken
- Morayo’s Mountain 40: Holiday BFP