Morayo’s Mountain 39: Broken


November 5th, 2010

It’s all official now. I had my blood test today and it was a  :bfn: …as I knew it would be.

It was a lot harder than I expected. I guess I had still been holding out for a miracle deep down inside. I feel like such a failure. And so guilty…like I didn’t look after my embies well enough.

I’m so broken, I can barely breathe…


November 6th, 2010

As if my life isn’t hard enough, my mother just got rushed to the hospital….


November 9th, 2010


What a rough week! Mum is much better today, although she is still in a lot of pain. It turns out she has a problem with her gall-bladder. But her blood pressure dropped dangerously low yesterday and her kidneys started to not function properly. But all is good today.

I’ve given myself a good talking too and have a bit of PMA again. I’m still fragile and I am not sure how long the PMA will last. But it has only been a week, so I guess a bad day every now and again is allowed!

We still haven’t had a follow up appointment at the clinic, but we are going to start trying naturally again. I think I am close to ovulation. I’ve been getting a lot of twinges and aches.  Not really sure where I am in my cycle to be honest, but that probably isn’t a bad thing. We’ll just have to see how things go.

November 24th, 2010

It’s been a very hard few weeks…

I have a good day occassionally but for the most part I am a blubbering  wreck, with a big black cloud over me. I just can’t shake it off.

I got a call for our follow up appointment today. We see the doctor on December 1st at 9am. I really don’t want to go. I’m scared they might say there is nothing else we can do. I’m so scared of even thinking of trying again…getting us into debt, just so I can end up with three follicles and one egg again. Bloody hell, I can manage that much on my own every month!!


December 8th, 2010


I had my follow up appointment last week. Basically they aren’t really sure why I didn’t respond as I should have. Next time, they say they will put me on the short protocol with increased doses of DR and stimms. And after they will have me on progesterone injections, because I obviously don’t obsorb the pessaries as I should (otherwise I wouldn’t have had such an early bleed).

I did fine, until they pulled out the invoice…and I burst into tears!! I just felt sooooo hopeless and impossible. But the nurse was lovely. I could see she felt awful that money was going to be a problem, and we had a long chat. She suggested that now Babs has a borderline normal sperm count, that I should get a HSG done on me, to see if there is a possibilty that we could concieve naturally. I have to call when I have my first period in the New Year, for an appointment for that.

In the meantime I have sorted the finance for round two (I took advantage while my bank was offering to top up my existing loan), and I took out a bit extra for Babs and I to go on holiday next year. I don’t care where we go, as long as it is just the two of us. I think we really need the time to recharge and just be ‘us’ for a while.

So that is it really. I’m taking a long TTC break, until January/February time when I have my HSG. After that, I’mnot really sure. If theHSG shows no problems, we might try naturally for a couple of months, and if not then we immediately move on to another IVF cycle.
I guess I just have to hope for the best…


My name is Morayo. I’m a TTC Warrior…and I’m far too stubborn to give up.


Catch up on Morayo’s story here:

  1. Morayo’s Mountain 1: TTC Warrior
  2. Morayo’s Mountain 2: Soul Mate
  3. Morayo’s Mountain 3: Grateful for the little things
  4. Morayo’s Mountain 4: Family Secret
  5. Morayo’s Mountain 5: Fed Up
  6. Morayo’s Mountain 6: The Weekend
  7. Morayos’ Mountain 7: Missing Period
  8. Morayo’s Mountain 8: A Problem Shared
  9. Morayo’s Mountain 9: Insemination Cups
  10. Morayo’s Mountain 10: Obsessed
  11. Morayo’s Mountain 11: Botched Cycle
  12. Morayo’s Mountain 12: Psych Myself
  13. Morayo’s Mountain 13: Broody
  14. Morayo’s Mountain 14: Confused and Confuddled
  15. Morayo’s Mountain 15: Another Two Week Wait
  16. Morayo’s Mountain 16: One More Cycle
  17. Morayo’s Mountain 17: Back to the Doctors
  18. Morayo’s Mountain 18: We’re going to beat this thing
  19. Morayo’s Mountain 19: Live to fight another day
  20. Morayo’s Mountain 20: Nightmare Mother-In-Law
  21. Morayo’s Mountain 21: Baby Dreaming
  22. Morayo’s Mountain 22: Those Swimmers are Mine
  23. Morayo’s Mountain 23: What ever happened to Karma?
  24. Morayo’s Mountain 24: The Year of the BFP
  25. Morayo’s Mountain 25: Not ready for motherhood after all!
  26. Morayo’s Mountain 26: Happy Little Bunny
  27. Morayo’s Mountain 27: Mothers Day Blues
  28. Morayo’s Mountain 28: It only takes one
  29. Morayo’s Mountain 29: Of Sperm…and Wine
  30. Morayo’s Mountain 30: Up and Down
  31. Morayo’s Mountain 31: Evil Witch
  32. Morayo’s Mountain 32: The Angels are telling me something
  33. Morayo’s Mountain 33: Start Date
  34. Morayo’s Mountain 34: I can’t do this
  35. Morayo’s Mountain 35: Seriously?!
  36. Morayo’s Mountain 36: Panic Attack
  37. Morayo’s Mountain 37: No attachment
  38. Morayo’s Mountain 38: Rollercoaster 




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