It’s been another failed cycle trying to get you down here. I really thought this was the one, and I was hoping and trusting that I would have you soon enough. But it’s ok. I am fine knowing that you exist in heaven, and that you would come to me someday. I wonder what it is; are you scared of the evils in this world that you are taking your time in coming? I promise that Daddy and I would do our best to protect you and make you see only the beautiful aspects of life. Are you still busy playing with the angels, or you don’t think I would make a good playmate? I promise that I would give you my attention daily, and for every second that you demand for it. I promise that you would not regret leaving heaven for me; I would make our home an haven for you, I promise. It might not be comparable to the splendour of God’s city, but I would do my best.
You should come soon, dear baby! There are tons of people waiting to meet you. Grandpa can’t wait to tell you how the tortoise got it’s bald head, why the agama lizard nods all the time, and why dogs live in houses with humans. Come now that he is still healthy and strong, so you can hear all the beautiful folktales he has piled up for you. Grandma says she doesn’t want to meet you in heaven. She wants to hold you in her arms and give you a name before she breathes her last. Everyday, she calls me and queries me, as if I am the one who doesn’t want you to come. She doesn’t know it is you who is still busy in heaven. Come now that her hands are still strong and her sight is still good, so she can help Mommy take good care of you.
Daddy wants you here soon too. He doesn’t say it, but I see it in his eyes. Yesterday, he said he is happy to receive you whenever you come, but I saw him deep in thought with some frown lines on his forehead, as he held some of the clothes we bought for you, that one time I was pregnant. Speaking of which, why did you change your mind, after growing inside me for eighteen weeks? Was there something I ate that you didn’t like, or were you starting to miss heaven again? You should come soon baby, you should. You would love your Daddy. He is such a good man, with all the best intentions for you. Without him, I probably would have lost my mind by now. He would always make out time for you and do his best to give you the best. He is a good man and he deserves to be happy; help me make him happy please.
I long for the smell of baby powder in my room. I long to hear you cry at 2am and to rush out of bed to soothe you. I long to hear you blab, and to pretend that I know what you are talking about. I long to see you grow your first tooth, and to watch you take your first steps. I long to play with you, and feed you, and bathe you, and sing you to sleep. I long to wear matching clothes with you, and go to church with you. I long to have a big bump, and to hear your heartbeat at every antenatal checkup. I long for friends and family to tell me congratulations. and to ask “is it a boy or a girl?” I long to decorate your nursery with Daddy, and fill it with things we know you would love. I long for so many things, but the summation of it all is that, I long for you.
There are times when I feel anxious at the thought of being a mother, and the responsibility I would have to shoulder. At those times, I have depressing thoughts about failing you, and you not being happy with me when you grow, or us quarrelling, and you not talking to me for days. Those thoughts scare me, but when they come, I tell myself that I would be a great Mom. I try to focus on the positives, and I dwell on thoughts of us having a great time. I focus on us being best of friends, and you being able to tell me anything. I focus on me correcting you when you are wrong, and of you doing same to me. I want to be a good role model for you, and because I want to teach you to always have a positive outlook on life, I try to do so myself. There are a lot of things that I would teach you; such as how to be kind and courageous, how to be prayerful and forgiving, as well as how to work hard and play hard. I am building myself up mentally and getting ready for the task ahead, and I believe that when you show up, I will not disappoint you.
I see you a lot in my dreams, my sweetheart. I see that you are happy where you are. I see you laughing and I vividly remember the sound of your giggles. I have seen your big brown eyes and black kinky hair in my dreams too. I have seen your beautiful caramel skin and well-chiseled nose. I have seen that you are beautiful and that you are happy. I do not know if it is my mind showing me what I want to see, but those dreams are the closest things I have to been with you. Daddy and I are taking a break next month, and would resume trying soon. I hope by then, you would be ready to come down here. I love you so much already, and so does Daddy. There is an entire army waiting for you!
Hurry up! Come to mama! You would love it here!!