Lady, You Are Not Being Punished!

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A friend of mine came to visit me recently, and I found myself repeating “You are not being punished. You are not being punished”€. Back then in school, Tola* was like your regular female student; she studied well, she went to church and she partied once in a while. In our second year, her boyfriend got her pregnant, and she was distraught. The day she came back to the hostel with her lab results, we were just as perplexed as she was. As a Christian, I couldn’€™t advise her to abort the baby, but I also couldn’€™t advise her to keep it because her parents were Knights in the Catholic Church, and she was an only daughter. Her boyfriend sef was going to be in trouble because Tola had three older brothers who could kill for her. In the end, we advised her to open up to her Mom, and we promised to support her in whatever decision she made. She agreed and packed her bags the next weekend, telling us that she was going home to put her mother in the know. Only for Tola to return to school a week later, looking like a washed version of herself. Her boyfriend had convinced her not to go home, and he had taken her for vacuum suction, somewhere around Alagomeji, and she stayed at his friend’s place until she was strong enough to come back to school.

It was an emotional night for us as she tearfully told us how painful the abortion was, and made us all promise to never abort a baby. She said she nearly died on that table and she lost too much blood. Her life flashed before her eyes and she realized that opening up to her parents would have been a better solution for her. Definitely, they would be disappointed, but they sure weren’€™t going to kill her. Even if her parents were going to ask her to abort the baby (which was very unlikely), at least they would take her to a good hospital and not the quack that Bolaji* carried her to. I learnt firsthand from my friend’€™s experience that abortion was a total NO, and we all got selfish in our relationships from then on, realizing that it was us girls that were to bear the consequences of premarital sex. Tola never got over that experience, and she broke up with Bolaji soon afterwards. She lost herself in her books and in church activities, almost like she was trying to make up for what she did. Definitely, God must have forgiven her, but Tola had a harder time forgiving herself.

Months before we graduated, she met this nice Christian young man that she liked and she got married two weeks to our convocation. Before she accepted his proposal, she opened up to him about the procedure she did, and the guilt that she still lived with. Just like the rest of us, he encouraged her to move past it and believe in the mercies of God. So they got married and had been trying to conceive for four years. She told me that when they went for investigative tests, the Ob/Gyn discovered that her endometrial lining was thin. Now, the endometrial lining contains glands and is meant for implantation of the fertilized egg in the uterine wall, and if it isn’t thick enough, it is impossible for a fertilized egg to implant on the wall. The average thickness of the cavity is 8mm and this increases during pregnancy. Tola’€™s endometrium was thinner than 8mm.

Further investigations showed that Tola had acquired a chronic bacteria infection during her vacuum suction, which led to inflammation and subsequent scarring of the endometrial lining. Now, Tola had come to my place a day after this diagnosis and she was torn. She kept saying God was punishing her for aborting all those years ago, and in my heart, I knew that God doesn’€™t work like that. I tried to explain to Tola just how merciful God is, and begged her to let go of the past; everyone else had let go except her. I was finally able to convince her that she isn’€™t being punished and that God would make her a mom someday soon. She just had to forgive herself and face the future. Tola’€™s biggest gift is her husband. He was such a huge support system for her, and I thank God for him. With his support, she began treatment for her thin endometrium.

She was placed on estrogen therapy, which helped stimulate the division of the cells in the endometrium. Along with the estrogen therapy, she was also given G colony stimulating factor (CSF) which is a growth hormone that helps the thickness of the endometrial lining. My girl was also on vitamin supplements, and asked to do frequent exercises that would aid blood circulation in her abdomen. Soon after the treatment, I got an excited call from Tola announcing her big news! She and her darling husband are expecting! I couldn’t be happier for her! I asked her if she now believed that she wasn’t being punished and she said “€œYes oh, my sins are washed in His blood”€.

A lot of times when women suffer infertility, they try to rationalise it, and give reasons why they deserve to be ‘€˜punished’€™; for a child they aborted, for someone’s heart they broke, for being rebels while growing up, etc. While playing the pity party and dwelling in grief, the medical condition is eating away. No one deserves infertility, no matter what you have been told. It is a challenge and it would pass…it is not a punishment.

Food for thought!

 

 

 

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Photo Credits

  1. http://www.bet.com
  2. http://www.bronzemagonline.com

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16 COMMENTS

  1. Hi, @kenechukwu…trust me I know the feeling, its the devil tryingto steal your joy. you are indeed forgiven and free, and all of these would end in praise. Keep your head darling 🙂

  2. God bless you so much for sharing. I believe so many of us keep thinking God is up there somewhere taking note of every sin we’ve committed and looking for an opportunity to pay us back. Thank you for the reminder that it is not so!

  3. Thanks so much for this write up. It has really encourage me. Sometimes I ask me self if any man will want to marry someone like me, especially with the mistakes I made in my past. I met someone some months back who wanted to marry me. But instead of helping me, he made it worst and even left me worse than he met me. I trust in God that there a man out there that will look beyond my mess and love me for who I am.

    • Thank you Shelter and Kween. Godsgift…yes, there is a man who would love you just the way you are. Learn to forgive yourself and move on from the past. It no longer exists. All the best dear

  4. Beautiful piece. It’s good to remember that God’s forgiveness is complete. Thank God for Tola. God placed people around her that will encourage her. I pray everyone in a similar situation gets to that point of letting go that which God has forgotten. That’s when healing takes place. God bless you.

  5. Hi Saliat… thank you so much for writing in. And amen to your prayers, I pray also that everyone finds the healing that they need 🙂

  6. Hi, Your story is an encouraging one hers was just 4 years thing, can this work for someone who had abortion 19years ago?

  7. Hi Floxywindy, I think what matters really is not the timeline but forgiving and letting go of the past. Everyone trying for a baby, whether with an history of an abortion or not, should go for tests at the hospital. Based on the diagnosis, she can commence treatment and be able to get pregnant. Take care

  8. Thanks @iheoma for sharing. My elder sis is in this category that Tola was. Blaming herself for the twin pregnancy she aborted while in sch. Like you’ve said,we should pursue solutions to the infertility not blaming ourselves but she doesn’t want to listen.
    I learn a lot everytime I com here. God bless you and increase your wisdom.

    • Thanks for sharing hun. From all I’ve heard, the guilt can be really intense. Please give your sister a big hug, and assure her that she isn’t being punished. Much love to her…and much love to you for being a part of our community :heart:

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