I’d sat down at the front pew at church today listening to the sermon. It was about marriage and the preacher’s voice rang out ‘Love is important in marriage and any marriage without some sort of love in it is a LIE.’ As soon as church was over, I asked myself ‘do I love Nnamdi? Or am I angry and bitter that he sucks at sex?’
I am officially tired of living a lie and something in me wants to show him that I could be better but then again, something is pulling me back-I have to face the fact that he has not satisfied me sexually.
I’ve thought of different ways to tell him; do I write a letter? Do I send an email? Do I type a text? Do I send a chat? What do I do to make him understand how I feel in this marriage.
Another question I’ve asked myself countless times is, ‘do I let go of the marriage? Do I end it? I recall that I actually started this diary to help me work on leaving my husband. What changed my mind? The fact that I could be replaced without a second thought? Especially since Amaka was readily available. Or is it the fact that my coming to Nigeria has opened my eyes to new realities? I am so confused! I thought that life was all about happiness. What can I do to bring back joy to my life?
I can recall the years I spent as a single woman- carefree, young and free to do whatever I pleased. My men took care of me and gave me maximum satisfaction while our relationships lasted but this marriage had lasted just three years and I have felt no fireworks.
After church, I muttered to myself; ‘Today… ‘I’ll call him and tell him today.’
I headed to my mother in-law’s car but I heard my name so I turned back to see who was calling. Lo and behold, it was Tega!
“Tega! My goodness! It’s so good to see you…” I said to him as I walked up to greet him.
“I didn’t know you worshipped here till I saw you during the offering…” He said, looking up at me with a smile.
He was seated in his wheelchair dressed in a remarkable navy blue brocade outfit.
“Well, this is my first time in church here in Nigeria…” I laughed.
“Really? You’ve been around for almost two weeks…”
“Yea…I know but I’ve been busy…” I said.
My mother in-law walked up to me alongside Amaka who was smiling ‘falsely’ as usual.
“I see you’ve met our assistant pastor, Tega, popularly known as pastor T. He is engaged to our minister’s daughter…” My mother in-law informed.
“Oh…no need for introductions ma’am, I and Ivana come a long way and we actually had dinner together some nights ago…” Tega said.
I wished a heavy-duty truck slammed into me at that moment. My mother in-law’s hawk-like eyes pierced mine questioningly.
“Is that so?” She said with a hint of suspicion.
“Really? You know each other?” Amaka asked in surprise.
“Yes…we were once a couple…” Tega said.
‘Will this man shut up?’ I wanted to say aloud but instead I said. “That was a long time ago…”
“But you mentioned you both reconnected….” My mother in-law said to Tega. “You said something about having dinner with Ivana…”
Tega wanted to speak but saw me plead with my eyes that he shut up.
“Well, I have to go and look for my fiancée…have a nice week ahead” He said to us.
As we headed to the car, I felt as though a heavy lead was in my chest, I thought of constructive lies to say in order to save myself.
The car was quite hot when we got in and when mother in-law turned on the air-conditioning, she said to me.
“When did you actually see pastor Tega? I can’t remember you going out alone…”
I knew that there was no end to my mother in-law’s craftiness. She would call Tega and ask him questions to compare notes and I might not be able to reach him on time but being the smart Ivana, I knew my best option was to lie.
“Oh…on the night I went to have dinner with my cousin…I bumped into him there.” I said.
“Really? Was he with his fiancée? She’s such a sweet girl.”
“Oh no! He was alone, we err…just bumped into each other, I didn’t notice who he came with.”
“Interesting…” She said. “How long did you date him?”
“Two years…is anything the matter?” I asked.
“Oh nothing…I’m just curious…” My mother in-law said.
It’s been two hours since we returned from church and I have called pastor Tega’s phone number but he’s not been picking up. I desperately need to tell him my new version of the ‘dinner’ we had together just in case my mother-in-law calls him to confirm and from the looks of it, she might get to him before I do.
What do I do?
Catch up on Ivana’s story here:
- Ivana’s Diary 1: This thing called marriage
- Ivana’s Diary 2: Hot Dark Chocolate
- Ivana’s Diary 3: My Mother
- Ivana’s Diary 4: The Return
- Ivana’s Diary 5: Murder-In-Law
- Ivana’s Diary 6: The Sexomaniac
- Ivana’s Diary 7: Mrs. Regret
- Ivana’s Diary 8: Monster-In-Law & The High School Sweetheart
- Ivana’s Diary 9: Room-mates or a Couple?