Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 13: Light a candle!



This morning, I woke up to the news that today is miscarriage and infant loss day the world over; and I was pleased at that development. Finally, the world is starting to pay attention to infertility and the struggles of women and men trying to have a baby. Something I stumbled on resonated within me and I would love to share it. It’s from Tom Robbin’s Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates and it says a woman carries all the various characteristics of the children she never issued. Her body was haunted by the ghost of souls who hadn’t lived yet. Premature ghosts. Half-ghosts. X’s without Y’s. Y’s without X’s. They applied at her womb and were denied, but, meant for her and no one else, they wouldn’t go away. Like tiny ectoplasmic gophers, they hunkered in her tear ducts. They shone through her sighs. Often to her chagrin, they would soften the voice she used in the marketplace. When she spilled wine, it was their playful antics that jostled the glass. They called out her name in the bath or when she passed real children in the street. The spirit babies were everywhere her companions, and everywhere they left her lonesome-yet they no more bore her resentment than a seed resents uneaten fruit. Like sighs on a string, they would follow her into eternity.

Scary and touching at the same time…in a poetic sort of way, the writer shares our deepest longings and emotions, carried long into eternity. So light a candle tonight, for the angel babies who didn’t get here. Only yesterday, I also heard about Lamar Odom’s infant loss. His former partner said he has had a rough life, from losing his mother at 12, to an absentee dad with a drug addiction, and then losing an infant to SIDS; Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. That has to be too much to deal with…especially for a man. I had to call my hubby and begged him to show his emotions at every point in time. No shaming in crying and seeking succor and support. A part of me feels that if Lamar had sought help early enough with all the tragedies he faced in life, he would not have turned to drugs and a reckless lifestyle.

Thinking along this line made me call my aunt this afternoon to ask her, how her husband was dealing with this our surrogacy business. For some reason, we never talked about that and I didn’t even know how he responded to the failed implantation last week. Aunty Oby responded what else would he do? He is handling it like a man. I had to gist her all about Lamar Odom and then preached about the need for us to help our husbands become more expressive, and my aunt just laughed me off, like in what century did Nigerian men become expressive.Biko, they don’t need to be expressive. If they are expressive, marriages would crash oh. Marriages work because women talk and men listen. If they start having mood swings and venting when they are upset, there would be chaos oh. I laughed too, as I understood her point. I won’t want my husband to be as dramatic and mood swinging as I can get, but I do hope he can have the courage to grief and follow a natural healing process when he is hurting.

I have pretty much fallen into a routine with my surrogacy transfer prep…taking my drugs, giving myself shots and working out whenever I muster the strength. I always feel a certain kind of special joy when I hear about a TTC celebrity couple getting their own BFP. Just like I was elated at the news of Mark Zuckerberg and wife’s rainbow pregnancy, I was also screaming for joy last night when I learnt that John Legend and Chrissy were pregnant. Chrissy has talked about them TTC a couple of times on a show she co-anchors on MTV, so the world was thrown into celebration for them. This takes me to an argument I had with DH this evening; I believe it’s okay for a man to say we are pregnant as it shows that he is as committed to the journey as the woman, but DH thinks the right phrase is my wife is pregnant since it’s the woman who is actually pregnant. He argued that a man can say we are expecting a baby, instead of we are pregnant…and I am like, what’s the big deal though? I guess, it all boils down to perspective, right?

Funny thing is, when I get pregnant after the coming FET, my aunt and I are probably going to be screaming We are pregnant!! I hope that won’t be weird…lol

Goodnight sisters!


Join the conversation with any of our TTC and Pregnancy Groups here.


Catch up on Ipheoma’s story here:

  1. Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 1: The Beginning
  2. Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 2: Transfer Tick Tock
  3. Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 3: Just Before The Whistle
  4. Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 4: D-Day
  5. Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 5: On Bed Rest
  6. Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 6: Watching the Clock
  7. Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 7: Almost There Now
  8. Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 8: And the Results are in
  9. Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 9: Morning After
  10. Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 10: That Witch Showed Up
  11. Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 11: Putting in work
  12. Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 12: Pain births something new



  1. Thanks for the information, I had no idea there was a day set aside for this. That poem is deep….Sometimes I imagine what my Aug 2013 baby would have looked like, how much joy he or she would have brought my household. May God bless us with our rainbow babies soon.

  2. I had the same argument with DH as well. I guess it depends on perspective. Hahaha please it won’t be weird I would be screaming along with you guys!! Really praying for the best for you guys. Godspeed :hugs:

  3. A Big amen to your prayers @MrsA may God remember us for good :hugs:
    My sister, I wonder what the big deal is @adaoraa, I absolutely do not see any problem with a man saying we are pregnant. :hugs: I can’t wait for us all to scream BFP oh! may God make it happen in Jesus’ name.



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