This morning, I woke up on the optimistic side of my bed..actually 30 minutes earlier than my alarm was supposed to wake me. So I spent a good deal of time meditating on scripture and praying. After school drop off, I went back home to do a bit of work before heading to the hospital for our 10am appointment. My aunt came in five minutes after I did, and we went up to the laboratory together, after briefly seeing the doctor. My blood was drawn, and while we waited in the lounge for the result, I saw all the beautiful good luck messages from my TFC sisters. I showed them to my aunt and she smiled, calling all of you wonderful people, and prayed that we would get a positive result. Even my husband sent a BBM message wishing us luck, so we waited and I tried to keep my sweaty palms from ruining the white jeans I was on. For some reason, Aunty Oby seemed to be at peace…like I was the tensed one and she had this Que Sera Sera attitude.
Time flew past and we were called into the doctor’s office. These doctors ehn! Their faces betray no emotion!! She turned to me smiling, and said so tell me again, how was the waiting period like? I told her it was bitter sweet, i enjoyed the bed rest in the beginning, but soon got bored, and there were days I was very optimistic and days when I was not. She smiled and asked again if I took all my medications as instructed and I nodded. Then, she turned to my aunt and said this was also a waiting period for you, what was it like? My aunt told her how she was very anxious in the beginning because of what this surrogacy journey meant to her and how she has wanted kids for so long, but that right now, she is just taking things easy and have determined not to rev up her blood pressure, no matter the result. The Doctor said good, because the results are in, and I just wanted to be sure you both can handle what’s coming. She paused and I could feel my heart racing really fast. She looked at the test result again and said the test shows no sign of HcG which can be interpreted as a negative pregnancy result. I instinctively looked at my aunt as my felt my heart sinking to my belly…her eyes were closed, and she had a sad smile. But it’s not conclusive
the doctor continued we would conduct another test on Monday, just in case there was delayed implantation. My eyes lit up and I looked up to her with new hope…but she said however, there is every possibility that it would still be negative, because ideally implantation should have happened long ago…within the three days bed rest optimally.
By the time my aunt opened up her eyes, the tears gave way. I was so sad…so sad as I held her while she cried silently. No words, just free flowing tears. The doctor was smiling sadly and telling us how we were going to try again with the remaining embryos, and this time, I would be given more medications from the onset of my period. In case, you see your period before Monday’s appointment, just call me. We would take more precautionary measures this time. She offered my aunt paper towel and encouraged her to remain hopeful. My aunt still hadn’t said a word; she just removed her glasses and wiped her tears. By this time, our phones were ringing crazy from my husband, her husband, my mother and another aunt of mine. Aunty Oby wiped her tears and thanked the doctor for her assistance. I was actually prepared for this, but I still feel so disappointed. But it’s God will and we give Him all the praise. That broke me, and my superwoman exterior gave way as my tears started to flow. It was so emotional and I am blinking back tears even typing this. Now, it was my aunt encouraging me and telling me that God has His ways, and we have to stay thankful no matter what.
She dropped me at home before heading to her place..evidently, she couldn’t go back to the office. At home, I wondered if things would have been different if I had stayed on bed rest from the day of transfer to test day. What if there was indeed delayed implantation and the embryos had not implanted when I completed the three day bed rest? However, I was glad that my aunt handled it better than I expected. Candidly, I always imagined that she was going to need someone to drive her home, and was probably going to cause a scene at the hospital if we didn’t get a BFP. I saw her preparation…I knew what this meant to her, but she handled the disappointment well. I guess that’s what happens when you get used to life throwing you curve balls. The first two hours I spent at home, I almost slipped into depression and I questioned if I was sure I was going to go through another FET for my aunt. Like, if my body didn’t hold them the first time, how sure am I that they would hold the second time around? But the doctor said I was going to be taking more meds the second time around, but I am not sure I want to do this again, really. It’s too emotionally draining and I am not I should be doing this.
I wish my aunt had other relatives that could help, but I am her only niece that is married and has given birth before, so none of my sisters or cousins quality to participate in surrogacy. I was still thinking and brooding when Nicole called me, and she probably didn’t know it at the time…but she helped me get off the self-blame circus. She made me realize that the problem was probably from my aunt’s eggs, considering her advanced age. Sometimes the eggs are good enough for retrieval and fertilization, but implantation is much harder because of the quality. So, it probably wasn’t me and my bed rest, we just probably needed a stronger hold on the eggs. I realized this was probably what the doctor meant when she said they were going to take more serious measures the next time.
I spoke with my aunt twice during the day, and the first time, I could tell she had been crying. I told her, not to worry that things were going to be fine. We would try again and see what happens. The second time I called, she was just leaving church and sounded a bit upbeat. She thanked me again for agreeing to partake in her journey, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up, after all from the onset, we always knew that things could swing both ways. At least, you know you did your best. It’s left to God. I went to the Blessed Sacrament after afternoon mass, and I have laid everything at Our Lord’s feet. We would testify of His Mercies in the end. I asked her if she had told her husband and she said yes, I asked what his reaction was and she said what do you expect? You know men, he just told me to rest and take things easy until he gets back from work.
So that’s it my sisters. I still have that test on Monday, but I am not even expecting a BFP on Monday; but who knows??
Catch up on Ipheoma’s story here:
- Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 1: The Beginning
- Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 2: Transfer Tick Tock
- Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 3: Just Before The Whistle
- Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 4: D-Day
- Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 5: On Bed Rest
- Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 6: Watching the Clock
- Ipheoma’s Surrogacy Diary 7: Almost There Now
Join the conversation with any of our TTC and Pregnancy Groups here.