Yes, this post is a rant, but not mine; I would not know where to begin; never walked that route, can’t truly express what it feels like, but there are millions of women out there, who have and you know what, some of them are tired of the trite comments of Fertile chicks, who think nothing of saying, “It was only once” They want to have that ‘problem’ too. Especially, when, it’s said in the most dumb circumstance possible.
They are tired of the pitying looks and tip toeing moves, in a bid not to ‘offend’ the TTC mom. Hey, it does not matter, some have found a way to turn that around and others are working on it. Here are the stories of two women, who have been down that route.
The Social Crusader
Busayo is one of such women, she never thought, she would ever struggle to conceive. She had grown up in a good home, however, she chose her path and aged 15, she was impregnated by her classmate.
As I have often thought, there is no powerful reset button as an unplanned pregnancy; all her attitude left, she became the poster child for well mannered kids. It took lots of pleading and gray hairs on her mother’s head, before her father accepted that they she could continue to stay in their house or even continue her education, until, she could no longer go.
Eventually, Busayo gave birth to her baby and went back to school full time, she gave her life over to her education, as her parents took over the care of her baby. And she did very well.
Years later, Busayo got married and wanted to start a family but it was not happening. It was a case of unexplained infertility. Nothing was working and it started to drain the life from her marriage, especially as her husband felt he had more to lose, in that marriage, if they did not have kids, after all, Busayo already had a child. It was a sad thought, however, it stared her in the face.
It was around same time, that a trio of young girls got pregnant in her neighbourhood, these were girls, who were close to her, she was practically mentoring them and then this happened. She felt like a failure and two of the men responsibility were boys from the neighbourhood. The last one was a grown man. The thing that connected them was the fact that these girls were virgins, before this sexual encounters. And they let it be known with their constant, “It was only once” cries. As though, once is not all that’s required.
Not even knowing where to begin with the girls, Busayo took this incidence personal, she became introspective, thinking back to her younger years. She felt like slapping some sense into the girls and making them realise the huge disservice, they were doing to themselves; having babies, when they were babies themselves.
By the time, she bounced back, she decided to tell her story to as many young girls as possible, with the hope, it will help, if only one girl make the right choice. So she made the rounds of secondary schools on the platform of a girl-child oriented NGO, she had set up and my school was one of schools, she visited. My then young heart was shaken by her story. It made me look at the choices, I was making, back then, more closely.
What broke my heart, was when she said, she would have given anything to be one of those girls, who got pregnant at one touch, if for nothing, so that her marriage can be saved. I have no idea, if she had gone on to overcome her infertility, but my heart sincerely wish she has, if for nothing, but as reward for the lives of young ladies, she touched, coming to talk to us, every other Wednesday, during our extra curricular activities.
The Drama Queen
Nelly does not really care about what people think, she never has, which had meant, her relationships with people, are mostly limited to the ‘hello/hi’ kind of thing, so it was a bit of shock, when people started to be extra nice to her, after one year of her marriage and she was not rocking a bump yet.
While, no one was bold enough to take on the ever sharp edge of Nelly’s tongue, people were making allowances for a lot of things; at work, she could get away with some things that years ago, her boss would have been breathing down her neck for.
Her pastor kept asking her “How far?”, code for , “When is the baby coming?” She ignored the question, always finding one mundane answer. Anytime, they mentioned those seeking for the fruit of the womb, she would be called out and prayed for. What happened next was that she started to withdraw from church activities; went late and left as soon as the service was over. If her husband by any chance went round to say hello to the pastor or even attend meeting of his department, he would have to find his way home. Nelly would have gone.
At work, no one told her again, if some one had had a baby or even came to ask her for money for baby’s gifts, as they had often done in the past. It was glaring, everyone was thinking for her and preempting her action. That only made her withdraw more from people and the edge of her tongue became sharper.
She had a melt down the day, her colleague at work; whose desk was less than two feet from hers, whom she talked to every day, before she left for maternity leave, whom, she had even helped to do her portion of the work, on those days, when her bump decided, she was not going to do any work, gave birth and no one told her.
All she noticed was that there was some excitement in the air and there were lots of group chit chats around her, short of crashing in on those groups, there was nothing she could do.
It was later in the day, when, she had closed and had gone to see if her boss could give her a ride to her bus stop as her husband was not going to come pick her, that, she heard, her office mate had given birth. “So that was all the excitement was all about since morning?” For once, Nelly let her defence down in an unlikely place, as tears cascaded down her eyes.
Her boss was touched; his tougher than nail staff had broken down. Nelly was angry at everyone who had been hiding and ‘protecting’ her from such news. She was filled with a deep-seated sadness that, it was not her that had just given birth. Lots of emotions ran through her mind, but one stood out; if she had had a baby by now, no one would pity her. She too wanted to be the girl, who could get pregnant, literally on her wedding night, like her colleague, who had just given birth.
While, this stories touch me and the first one has in a way shaped my life, I ultimately acknowledge the fact that our experiences in life, TTC related or otherwise would never be the same. And each person’s path in life is for a reason. How else would our testimonies be sweet?
Baby dust to us all!
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