I quit the endless waiting hours at the doctor’s office. I quit the hormonal injection marathon. I quit hoping against hope that my ovaries will respond. That some reasonable follicles will grow. That the doctor for once will say words like, “Okay, we are good to go, we will not increase your dosage, just go ahead and have some baby dance tonight.”
I quit the timed sex routine. Mehn! I quit that thing called ovulation predictor. I quit watching my fibroid-filled uterus on yet another screen and the doctor telling me, “Hmm, the location of this fibroid is not good. We will work around it somehow.” Said, as he shook his head. Well, they are still working around it, meanwhile, I quit.
I quit being constantly told I need to lose weight. I quit all those talks about my hormones being out of sync; estrogen dominance, high prolactin, low progesterone, no progesterone, progesterone shots, I quit it all. The hormones don’t matter again. I quit.
I quit the eternal pain called monthly periods. I quit the cramps, I quit the bleeding. I quit the investment in sanitary pads. I quit the paleness. I quit the endless remedies everyone and their dog brings me to relieve my pain. I quit the pity in my husband’s eyes, as he watches me howl in pain. I quit the sadness in my doctor’s voice, as he suggests a hysterectomy, even though my womb has never carried a child to term.
I quit the emotional rollercoaster of TTC. No longer do I need so much exhilarating moments in my life. I have had enough to last me a lifetime. I quit the 2WW, Yayyy!!! I quit the symptom–spotting; whether it is tender boobs, backache, sensitive nipples, gas/ flatulence, fatigue, diarrhoea, I quit it all.
I quit all my anger directed at the “attitude” of pregnant friends and siblings. I quit thoughts of baby showers as torture chambers for TTC couples. I quit crying on my husband’s shoulders at yet another pregnancy announcement from my fertile sisters and the rest of my family, who are obviously blessed in childbearing. How I missed the blessing? I don’t know, but I quit thinking about it.
I quit the penny pinching, because, we are saving all our money to be able to afford another IVF cycle. I quit postponing that dream vacation, that second honeymoon to Paris, because we are paying off the balance of our failed cycle. I quit not fixing the family car, because we are saving. Now, I will buy that dress, I will buy that hair and bag and wear them on this beautifully crafted body of mine. I quit denying myself so many pleasures because of TTC.
I quit! I quit blaming myself; I quit blaming my body for failing me. I quit blaming my genes for being the breeding ground of all my fertility issues. I quit considering why it had to be in me and my husband, that all the recessive infertility genes in our lineage came out to be dominant. I quit.
I quit the evacuations! My doctor will just have to find someone else to be his guinea pig. All those priceless discoveries he makes in my body when I’m under his care, are no more. While I will miss the kicking of the babies, I quit trying altogether. At least, I got to feel the kicks, what if I hadn’t? Heaven is not going to fall. I quit o jare!
I quit the donor eggs cycle. I quit looking at the seeming endless list of likely donors. I quit scratching my head, to see which one I should pick. I quit the screening afterwards. The dilemma of wanting to know more about these donors and the safety of not knowing them, least I begin to feel something for them.
I quit the mood swings, happy now, grumpy as a bear the next. I quit the advice-giving sessions with my mom and mother-in-law. I quit the subtle hints and prodding to try this concoction that “helped Omo Iya Rashida, who was waiting for donkey years to have her baby.”
I quit the supplements in my medicine cabinet. I quit buying more. Ladies, that’s some spare change for me to spend on me this month oh. I should have quit earlier. It feels good. No pressure, no panty watch, no eye rolling, no pregnancy envy, no nothing. Just empty! Just living! Just loving!
However, the dreams in my hear refuse to die but I consciously quit. I will no longer put myself or my darling husband through the wrangler, for the sake of TTC. I have lost myself, found myself and don’t want to lose me again on this journey.
Perhaps, a time will come, when I will want to stake ALL for the sake of the dreams in my heart but right now, I quit!
Ladies, that wasn’t me quitting. That was an attempt to articulate the thoughts of the two TTC moms, who told me they were quitting the journey in the past one week alone. Nothing I said changed their minds, but it wasn’t for me to change.
As I do not walk in their shoes, I only know what they tell me and even that hurts, so, I can only imagine how they feel.
One thing for sure though, TTC is tough; it’s not for the faint at heart. It is a rugged terrain that has broken many but also forged some of the strongest warriors in existence today. It has broken them for now, but it can also build them.
They told me not to bother with the baby dust but I will send it all the same, should they change their minds.
So, baby dust to you all.
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