I Quit TTC!

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I quit!
I quit the endless waiting hours at the doctor’s office. I quit the hormonal injection marathon. I quit hoping against hope that my ovaries will respond. That some reasonable follicles will grow. That the doctor for once will say words like, “Okay, we are good to go, we will not increase your dosage, just go ahead and have some baby dance tonight.”

I quit
I quit the timed sex routine. Mehn! I quit that thing called ovulation predictor. I quit watching my fibroid-filled uterus on yet another screen and the doctor telling me, “Hmm, the location of this fibroid is not good. We will work around it somehow.” Said, as he shook his head. Well, they are still working around it, meanwhile, I quit.

I quit!
I quit being constantly told I need to lose weight. I quit all those talks about my hormones being out of sync; estrogen dominance, high prolactin, low progesterone, no progesterone, progesterone shots, I quit it all. The hormones don’t matter again. I quit.

I quit!
I quit the eternal pain called monthly periods. I quit the cramps, I quit the bleeding. I quit the investment in sanitary pads. I quit the paleness. I quit the endless remedies everyone and their dog brings me to relieve my pain. I quit the pity in my husband’s eyes, as he watches me howl in pain. I quit the sadness in my doctor’s voice, as he suggests a hysterectomy, even though my womb has never carried a child to term.

I quit!
I quit the emotional rollercoaster of TTC. No longer do I need so much exhilarating moments in my life. I have had enough to last me a lifetime. I quit the 2WW, Yayyy!!! I quit the symptom–spotting; whether it is tender boobs, backache, sensitive nipples, gas/ flatulence, fatigue, diarrhoea, I quit it all.

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I quit!
I quit all my anger directed at the “attitude” of pregnant friends and siblings. I quit thoughts of baby showers as torture chambers for TTC couples. I quit crying on my husband’s shoulders at yet another pregnancy announcement from my fertile sisters and the rest of my family, who are obviously blessed in childbearing. How I missed the blessing? I don’t know, but I quit thinking about it.

I quit!
I quit the penny pinching, because, we are saving all our money to be able to afford another IVF cycle. I quit postponing that dream vacation, that second honeymoon to Paris, because we are paying off the balance of our failed cycle. I quit not fixing the family car, because we are saving. Now, I will buy that dress, I will buy that hair and bag and wear them on this beautifully crafted body of mine. I quit denying myself so many pleasures because of TTC.

I quit!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I quit blaming myself; I quit blaming my body for failing me. I quit blaming my genes for being the breeding ground of all my fertility issues. I quit considering why it had to be in me and my husband, that all the recessive infertility genes in our lineage came out to be dominant. I quit.

I quit!
I quit the evacuations! My doctor will just have to find someone else to be his guinea pig. All those priceless discoveries he makes in my body when I’m under his care, are no more. While I will miss the kicking of the babies, I quit trying altogether. At least, I got to feel the kicks, what if I hadn’t? Heaven is not going to fall. I quit o jare!

I quit!
I quit the donor eggs cycle. I quit looking at the seeming endless list of likely donors. I quit scratching my head, to see which one I should pick. I quit the screening afterwards. The dilemma of wanting to know more about these donors and the safety of not knowing them, least I begin to feel something for them.

I quit!
I quit the mood swings, happy now, grumpy as a bear the next. I quit the advice-giving sessions with my mom and mother-in-law. I quit the subtle hints and prodding to try this concoction that “helped Omo Iya Rashida, who was waiting for donkey years to have her baby.”
I quit!
I quit the supplements in my medicine cabinet. I quit buying more. Ladies, that’s some spare change for me to spend on me this month oh. I should have quit earlier. It feels good. No pressure, no panty watch, no eye rolling, no pregnancy envy, no nothing. Just empty! Just living! Just loving!

I quit!
However, the dreams in my hear refuse to die but I consciously quit. I will no longer put myself or my darling husband through the wrangler, for the sake of TTC. I have lost myself, found myself and don’t want to lose me again on this journey.

Perhaps, a time will come, when I will want to stake ALL for the sake of the dreams in my heart but right now, I quit!

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Ladies, that wasn’t me quitting. That was an attempt to articulate the thoughts of the two TTC moms, who told me they were quitting the journey in the past one week alone. Nothing I said changed their minds, but it wasn’t for me to change.

As I do not walk in their shoes, I only know what they tell me and even that hurts, so, I can only imagine how they feel.
One thing for sure though, TTC is tough; it’s not for the faint at heart. It is a rugged terrain that has broken many but also forged some of the strongest warriors in existence today. It has broken them for now, but it can also build them.

They told me not to bother with the baby dust but I will send it all the same, should they change their minds.

So, baby dust to you all.

 

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Photo credits:

1. http://www.davinadiaries.com/

2. https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/

3. http://shariyantes.com/

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22 COMMENTS

  1. Reading all these speaks to me, how i feel, how i think also. But i aint QUITTING, i know it isnt easy and there will be times i may give up(I am only but human)but I WONT QUIT.

    I will keep giving in my best until i see the BFP 🙂 yes i will. But for the now, i go easy on me too and just live,love,laugh and be happy. 🙂

    Thanks for sharing @oluwakemine and baby dust to us all. xx

  2. Exactly what I was thinking, but how can I quit when I’m yet to have my heart felt desire, no oooo I won’t quit. I have failed ivf cycle but I intend to still carry on, any suggestion by the doctor is welcomed. God pleaseeeeeee give me the strength to carry on… I will not Quit.

  3. Lovely article, they can quit TTC but that doesn’t end the desire to have a child. So they could take the adoption route. I believe if the desire is so strong to nuture a child, have the noise of kids feel the home then however the vessel via which the kids come shouldn’t matter. Its tough love but i pray for those who desire this and have quit TTC will have the support of their husbands…I have heard stories of how their husbands refuse hence they remain childless and resentful….so like @oluwakemine i will blow them all baby dusts, baby dusts can give us babies not from our loins but babies we chose if we want them…..:xxxxx

  4. I’m not quitting, just taking a break for now.Thank God for my son,but praying to give him a sibling.I do have faith that God will make all things beautiful in his time. As a human being I want “his time ” to be now.But as the bible says “his ways are not our ways”. But I know that the thoughts he has for me are thoughts of good. Baby dust to all!!!

    • I feel like hugging all you ladies right now @iyawodiipo, Nahimat @bosa Chichi. Each comment just showed the tenacity of the TTC woman. She is not going to give up, even if she says she will. I know the ladies will read this and hopefully, it will help change their minds, because that baby dream in their heart will never die. It will never quit!

      So, while you live, love, laugh, here’s baby dust for when you get right back on the train or take other routes to motherhood.

  5. TTC is really a pain inn the ass as each month comes with so much expectation. One thing I keep telling myself is that I will never lose this battle to infertility thus when I feel like quitting I hope the more cos as far as I am concerned there is hope for a tree if it be hewned down, yet as the smell of water it shall sprout again. Don’t quit, only give yourself some time to clear your head then try again and God will make his grace sufficient for u. Baby dust to us all

    • Celestial, @there is hope for a tree if it be hewned down, yet at the smell of water it shall sprout again. My sister, with those words, you just said it all. If there is hope for a tree, cut off from nutrition, yet a mere smell of water gives it life, how much more, human being created in God’s own image.

      Time off TTC? Yes! Quit TTC? No!💝

  6. This article partly captures my despair at the moment as I feel the symptoms of aunty flo setting in. I had prayed and hoped to God that this July will be my month for the precious BFP saving me the pressure of really going down the ivf route which I had initially planned. I had prayed very hard , exercised my faith and thanked God in advance……just this evening though aunty flo is threatening to show up with all the usual signs. Oh well! I shan’t quit……chill maybe but wont quit!

    • Yep chill maybe, but not quit. I don’t know how, perhaps you will still get that BFP naturally or through IVF, but you will get it, which is really what counts. @joyfulmother.
      No mind the witch and her antics jare. *hugs*

  7. I understand the despair as it captures in words what my heart has been saying since my last failed ivf.
    With my 48th birthday just round the corner and after five failed ivf attempts, I quit too.
    I quit the financial stress, the emotional roller coaster, the physical pain from endless injections, the mood swing and the pity party that follows every menstrual period.
    I quit blaming my body and more importantly I quit blaming my maker.

    It is important that I quit now in order to close the widening gap between me and God. I must end the cynical way my heart now reacts to His promises, I must end the tendency of becoming accusatory in prayers. I must stop whining before Him.
    I quit in order to focus on the other beautiful things He has endowed me with, to focus on His grace and mercy, to find joy in His presence and to accept His sovereignty in the affairs of my life
    I quit the struggle to gain a biological child at the risk of losing eternity with God.

  8. One doesn’t have to quit. I have been ttc since 2012, having hopes and crying when. I had my period, I have been to different doctors took different drugs, I had hsg twice I still clinched when I remember how painful it was. But this year is my year off ttc I thought I couldn’t make it. But I have stop tracking my period since last December. It’s almost a year and am happy. At least I wouldnt cry when I pick up strip to test only to find out I have start my period after waiting for days. I will not quit but I will always take a break to restore my mentality and avoid been depressed. Am currently looking forward to January to continue my journey.

    • Very very well said, Fauzee! That’s an excellent way to handle TTC when we feel overwhelmed. Good luck with your break hun. I hope God surprises you in this waiting period :heart:

  9. I can relate to the struggle of TTC been there and done that.

    Been TTC since 2010 and the pain that comes with each month is so strong that I always want to give up and walk out.

    After one failed IUI and IVF, 2 myomectomys and one miscarriage

    Have I ever think of quitting?
    YES!!!
    Do I really want to quit?
    NO!
    The desire to have my own baby is so strong that quitting is not an option.

    For now, I will take a break and relax.
    Get myself together and try again

    • My darling Tomisin, that is truly the spirit! We just have to soldier on! When our desire…our end point…is so much bigger than the bumps on the road, we just know that quitting the journey isn’t an option. I salute you, my dear TTC warrior :heart:

  10. I’m taking a break from my ttc journey because LASUTH scheduled me for myomectomy in February 2019 and my husband and I just got separated. We were ttc since 2012. After the surgery I am going to take my time to recover, work on my business before taking another shot at ttc, hopefully through IUI because I don’t think I have the strength for relationship and ttc at the same time. Baby dust to me

    • Sending you lots of hugs hun. So sorry about your marriage. Wishing you all the best in your TTC efforts hun. Have you thought about if you really want to do it alone?

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