How His Infertility Affects Our Marriage

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The import of the doctor’s investigation was clear, the main culprit, “we can find in all your tests is the fact that your sperm isn’t of top quality. We have to put you on some medications as soon as possible to boost your chances.”

Wole and Bioye were both surprised at the news but for different reasons. Completely different reasons. They had gotten married on the same day as another couples, who currently have a one year old daughter and from my discussion with the woman, they are already planning another, as according to her, she wants to do everything at once, so she can rest later. All the while Wole and Bioye were still waiting.

While they waited, the accusing fingers had always pointed at Bioye…and you know that comes naturally. Everyone just automatically assumes, infertility is a woman’s fault. Even Wole had brought up some issues, Bioye had discussed with him in the past and hinted that, they might be responsible for their TTC journey. True or false, it gave Bioye something to think about.

But after the diagnosis, it was downhill from there on. The infertility touched every aspect of their lives, from their social to their intimate life. Wole’s attitude said, what’s the point of sex, if we can’t even get a baby out of all the shagging?

Sometimes, these situations were under the radar and sometimes, it was done openly, that it got their friends and family wondering what was happening with him. At a family function, Wole was the type,who would carry his nieces and just chill with them but the aloofness with which he attended the last family gathering they had, which was the birthday of his mom, was so obvious, even the moms, who would have dumped their babies on him resisted the urge.

His older nieces still went to him and sidled up to him, hoping, he would bring them into his embrace and they could have the conversation that only they understood, but nothing of such happened. His phone was suddenly so attractive. He kept pressing and scrolling. Soon, the youngsters got the gist and let their uncle be.

Even when Bioye returned to her seat beside him, he didn’t bother to glance in her direction. He knew if he did, he would encounter the several pairs of eyes, full of questions that were trained on him. Bioye had the sad job of communicating the fact that he was fine with her eyes.

But for the birthday girl, it wasn’t enough, as she verbally told him, “Ki lode to se wa, nigbati to o mo pe o ma wa kan’ri mole sibi ni.” Meaning, why did you come, when you knew, you were going to come here and be unsocial.

He had just replied, “Mom, e ma binu, something on my mind.” And walked off, without even giving his mom, his usual kiss. That raised his mom’s antenna and you guessed right, she fixed her gaze on Bioye and asked her, what was wrong with her husband.

Hmmm!!! She repeated, what Wole he had just said and practically ran away from her mother in law, who now looked more determined to find out what was wrong with her son and his scurrying wife. Who would blame Bioye or how do you tell your mother in law that her son has been diagnosed with a case of really low sperm count?

They left the party, while it was still going on and that wasn’t just done. Her attempts to engage him in any conversation, whether related to what had happened at the party or not met with grunts and more silence, so she gave up.

Besides, she didn’t want to irritate him, as she had plans for that night. Yes, big plans. After going almost 8 weeks without sex and sleeping beside same man every day, Bioye planned to seduce him and get some action that night. This was not a matter of TTC at all. It was all pure animal urge. So, she kept her cool.

On getting home, she asked him, if he would want something to eat, considering, he had just picked at his food at his mom’s place. He said no at first and just as Bioye opened her mouth to persuade him, he gave in and asked for some goat meat peppersoup.

Bioye literally danced into the kitchen, her plan was going awesome. She served his food and got herself a bowl, even though she didn’t need it, just to keep him company and to prepare him for what was to come. Meal over and it was time to bring out the big guns.

While, Wole watched TV, Bioye changed into some sexy lingerie and made an entrance worthy of a stripper. He actually smiled when he saw her but he still said, he wasn’t interested in sex. Which was disappointing but was a step forward though, at the least, he still found her attractive.

Even at that, for a whole three months, her husband refused to make love to her and their relationship was literally in tatters. Sex was one strong way they bonded, with it out of the equation and you add a broody husband to the problem, you have a time bomb ticking.

It took Bioye threatening to tell his mother, the reason for his unusual behaviour for him to agree to sex and it turned into a steamy session. The perfect end to three months forced celibacy.

Wole’s sperm count is on the rise and he’s making more positive lifestyle choices but what counts right now to Bioye is the fact that her jolly husband is back and he doesn’t turn down her sexual advances…in fact, she’s the one turning him down now.

The truth is, infertility can affect even the strongest relationships. Whether infertility is identified as male or female factor, it’s a shared problem in a relationship. Men often feel terribly guilty when they see how their wife is suffering because she’s repeatedly not pregnant.

In addition, a woman may be angry as well as guilty because she knows it’s not her partner’s fault. These feelings can cause each partner to withdraw from the other, both not wanting to hurt the other one by talking about their true feelings on the subject.

In such a situation, it is important to be very sensitive and NEVER assign blame.

Godspeed folks.

 

 

Join the conversation with any of our TTC and Pregnancy Groups here

Photo credits:

1. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/

2. http://fidson.com/

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