Dear Dads-To-Be, Pregnancy Boobs Are Not For You

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Dear Expecting Dads,

It is with so much pleasure that I write this piece to you. It might not be what you would like to read, but this piece could save you many nights and days of frustration. It will help you understand the mind of your pregnant wife and that your wife’s pregnancy boobs are OFF LIMITS, as in you can only look, you CAN’T touch. Sorry to break it to you like that, but take heart, it’s the truth.

One of the perks of pregnancy for me was fuller boobs. Pregnancy makes me fill out in all the right places, except in the middle. I could almost pass for a figure 8. However, my personal favourite is the boobs. That is the complex you have when you grow up flat chested in a sea of otherwise endowed ladies. Having boobs, even if it is for a short while, becomes an accomplishment.

If truth be told, boobs were also a favourite of my husband, who took pleasure in reminding me that he was the one responsible for my new figure (read: improved figure). I know too much information, but the truth is men are always fascinated by the breasts and when those breast get bigger due to pregnancy, it fascinates them even more.

A mom of one, Moji, who is naturally endowed told me the story of how she and her then new husband had gone for bible study. They had been sitting opposite each other and she had noticed that every now and then, her husband would look her way, more specifically, at her boobs. Moji waved his actions aside, taking it as one of those things her besotted husband did to show her she was all he was thinking about.

They had got home after three hours of bible lessons and the first words out of her husband’s life were, “Oh my, your breasts look bigger. I couldn’t concentrate at the bible study.” Moji’s mouth hung open in surprise. It was the least statement she expected him to say…they were coming from a bible study for goodness sake. What a waste of their time.

That was the first sign they had that she was pregnant, but he was so disappointed that he couldn’t touch these bigger boobs. But she just couldn’t help it; too much was going on inside her that she didn’t even understand herself. Every time he tried to even have a conversation about her boobs and their current growth spurt, he was met by the coldest response he had ever gotten from his wife.

Moji’s husband settled for only watching and fantasying about how the boobs would still be bigger after childbirth and he could have a field day with them, seeing that he was even banned from sex, unless she wanted to “use” him.  He forgot one very important detail; the baby. The sole reason his wife’s breast was experiencing a growth spurt. It sounds cruel right? It sure is, but so is the pregnancy experience; his wife was going through a total upheaval of her body; hormones and all.

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One man who has been in your shoes puts it thus; Let me tell you about one of nature’s most cruel tricks. When a woman is carrying a child, it’s a beautiful thing. That “pregnant glow” you always hear about is real, and it does wonders for her hair, her fingernails and — her rack. A becomes C, B becomes D, and C becomes bigger. Heaven on earth! They swell up to gargantuan sizes, literally breaking bras at the seams and popping off her chest in a fit of Playboy glory. The only problem is, you’re not allowed to touch them. It’s like going to the pet store and seeing the cute puppies behind the glass but not being able to pet them. They’re adorable and you want to take them home and keep them forever, but if you try to motorboat her puppies she will slap the heck out of you. Trust me.”

Well now you know better than to go trying to play booby man, you can always pray that her libido returns faster after childbirth, so, you can resume your “husbandly” duties or she wants you now.

This whole pregnancy thing is going to take time for both of you and your pregnant partner to adjust to. For those of us who happen to be the pregnant ones, this might mean learning to go about our days with an oversensitive sense of smell, telling ourselves that we don’t really want ice cream all day, when that’s the only thing we crave for breakfast, lunch and dinner, all day every day, and let’s not talk about the tight fit of all our clothes.

The “look, but don’t touch” policy is for your own good, as we cannot predict what might happen if you touch, when we aren’t in the mood. Perhaps you should start thinking about other ways you can touch us, like back rubs or foot massages, they could be heavenly and the ultimate sexy time for a little while. And when we want you, don’t go all giddy or hesitant and please banish every thought of doing harm to our baby during sex. Don’t even express it, that’s the fastest way to dry the tap.

Whatever you do, just don’t give up on us just yet. Maybe just let us figure out how to navigate life with the latest increase in our chest region.

So bear with us. It’s just 40 weeks…or thereabout.

 

 

Join the conversation with any of our TTC and Pregnancy Groups here

Photo credits:

1. https://www.swissmom.ch

2. http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/

 

 

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