Counting Wedding Anniversaries Without A Baby

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When Sophia woke up to her fifth wedding anniversary, she pulled the duvet over her head and tried to wish the day away. Not another anniversary without a baby…not even a baby bump to assure her that the 6th anniversary was going to be different. It hurt, and she hurt really bad. Just like the fourth anniversary, and the one before that; she spent the day in bed, comfort-eating on food she would normally avoid. The pity-party whas huge, but no-one was invited to it…not even darling hubby. Nobody could understand what she was going through.

Every anniversary signaled for her a reminder of her ‘failure’, and when she finally got on social media, it was to update another anniversary, another year past, a reminder that my body is weak, a reminder of my failure. I wasn’t her friend, but I followed her Instagram account. When I saw the picture of her sulking in bed and the attendant caption, I quickly went to her page and checked through all her old pictures. It was a pattern, from her second anniversary, right up to the fifth. For her, it stopped being a day to celebrate her marriage, but a day to remember that she was still TTC.

One of the comments on her photo also called my attention, and it was from another TTC lady who apparently had her anniversary coming up. The lady talked about the raw pain she felt at her coming seventh anniversary, and how she was emotionally drained and depressed. It’s terrible being so unhappy on your anniversary, but I can’t help feeling that our family is taking so long to get complete. In the past, I tried filling up my days with activities, but I was sure to return home depressed and sad. Now, the seventh anniversary is around the corner, Ron wants us to take a little vacation, but I just want to stay indoors and cry. These ladies are very open about their TTC journeys and lots of #TTCSisters commented, and also lamented about the depression that comes with wedding anniversaries while TTC. A lot of them admitted that it was a struggle to keep sane throughout that period.

Certain celebrations can be hard on TTC couples…birthdays and society’s reminder of the chiming biological clock is so hard to deal with; people hardly expect a woman who is TTC to celebrate her birthday. It’s like a sacrilege! You should be in church praying, or fasting on a prayer mountain or something, not celebrating that God has graciously added another year to your life, or the fact that you have great family and friends, a job, working limbs and hope for the future. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day celebrations, as well as New Year’s Day, are hard celebrations to face when you are TTC. But I doubt if any is as tough to deal with as the wedding anniversary. You remember saying For better or worse…in sickness and in health but in your heart, you only thought of for better…and in health. You had dreams and plans, and all looked rosy. But then, after the marriage, the nursery remains empty and dull, and you soon convert it into a closet for your old clothes.

Another #TTCsister account I follow on Instagram said each wedding anniversary was a hurtful reminder of her honeymoon, and the dreams she came back home with, which remained unfulfilled. By the fourth anniversary, she was tired of the pity-party she had thrown the previous years, and decided to be grateful rather for the fact that she and her husband were still going strong, that they were still married in a country where most marriages break up before the second anniversary. She chose to be grateful that, in spite of the stress and pain of infertility, she and her husband had grown stronger together. She had come to appreciate the vows she said on her wedding day, and she now had a revised version of her honeymoon dreams. She said she finally understood that life doesn’t always work by our calendar, but she had the responsibility of creating lasting happy memories. It wasn’t until their 13th anniversary that they finally became parents, and she was grateful that she had all those years alone with her husband, as they hardly have time now to go for anniversary dinners or getaways; with schedules filled with work, soccer practice, choir practice and all sorts of activities attached to raising children.

Our feelings are controlled by our thoughts, so whether or not you are going to have a good anniversary and celebrate your marriage, or stay in bed eating Pringles and feeling sorry for yourself is a question of what your thought process is like. It’s so easy and so understandable to fall into depression as the day goes by, but what good would that do? You only have one second or third or fourth anniversary…you don’t get another chance to make it a good one. In a society like ours that has little tolerance for delayed parenthood, try to be grateful for the fact that your mother-in-law hasn’t brought any girl from the village to ‘help your husband get a child’. For one, I am grateful that we have more supporting and understanding husbands these days. Decades ago, a woman who was TTC begged God for a child, not just because she wanted to be a mother, but more importantly, because she did not want to be kicked out of her husband’s home. But here you are, with a man that understands you, makes the doctor’s appointment with you, foots the bill and reminds you that he loves you. Now, that is worth celebrating! So make the most of your anniversaries now, while they can be a romantic activity for two…because soon, there will be a little bundle of joy, running fever from immunization, and your anniversary would probably be a quick trip to Cold Stone and Dominos.

Godspeed to us all!

 

 

 

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Photo Credits

  1. www.munaluchibridal.com
  2. www.blisstree.com

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23 COMMENTS

  1. Amen,my anniversary just past its on the 3rd of August making it 3years we have been on this TTC journey,i cried oooo but,my husband hugged me,encouraging me that all will be well soon,not really easy but,thank God for he is faithful that has promised. Thank God for my husband cause he has always been my strength. It is well. #keepinghopealive#.

    • It is well with you, dear Faithest! May this be your last anniversary as a TTC couple. My girls arrived a few weeks short of my anniversary, and I wish the same for you. Twins or triplets this time next year, in JESUS’ name :hugs:

  2. Amen,thanks a lot. Twins will just be the icing on the cake hahahahaha. And thank you Oluwakemi. God is indeed faithful no doubts.

  3. Wow! This post just hit me square in the face! My 2nd year anniversary is coming up on the 6 the of September and am I so dreading it! What makes it worse is that I had planned to celebrate my baby’naming ceremony on that date as myEDD was to be on the 30th of august if I hadnt lost my baby at 4 months. Worse still my birthday is on the day after my anniversary. Two years down,Two EDD dates that have come and gone without babies, a new age with the biological clock ticking loudly,how much worse can it get? I just plan to ignore those two dates like they don’t even exist. But then again,I might just decide to celebrate it all out and shame the devil. If I do get a BFP like I m praying to this month,I would be so happy. At least I would av something to face that day with. Last year,on my birthday I was in the hospital having a miscarriage just a day after celebrating my first year anniversary in church. This life! You never really know what’s in store for you the next moment. But with faith in God and trust in his word,baby dust to all TTC women.

  4. Hugs for you Naomi. You can try to ignore the dates but I’m sure, you will not be too successful with that. How about just celebrate your man, your marriage on your wedding anniversary and for you birthday, have a blast. You are alive and that BFP will come. Baby dust to you as, God puts a smile on your face.

  5. Thanks @ oluwakemi. I think I will do just that. I m thinking I will just make it a celebration of haven been through so much in the last two years and surviving it to testify,of still standing tall despite it all. Shame on the devil! Yes!

  6. I Am happy to see that people can put their feelings into words. My 1year wedding anniversary was in Sept, my younger sister got married in Sept and I have not had a period since July (PCOS) . I don’t think I will be strong enough if my sis gets pregnant before me. My neighbour that got married two years ago have birth to her second child yesterday. My husband has been very supportive but I am So sad. Don’t even know how to congratulate her without sounding awkward. TTC is probably the worst thing that can happen to a woman but I got inspired this morning by Isiah 41:11. I pray that for our shame we shall get double in Jesus name Amen

    • Arinola, I can fully relate. It was so hard for me to see people who married after me conceive, and even have multiple babies while I was still waiting. It is only the grace of GOD hun. But while you keep praying for your own baby, it is important to also try to grow a thick skin. Be prepared for the possibility that your sister just might get pregnant while you’re still waiting. But with the grace of God, not only will you overcome, your own :bfp: won’t be far off. Praying for you hun! And come join us, so we can cheer you along your journey :hugs:

  7. Shame to d devil…. I have to go for church deliverance last Friday even though am a Muslim bcoz my husband broken d news of his two brothers whose wife are pregnant need to come En leave with us due to recession … I couldn’t bare it but God dt bares burden relieve me of the heart pain after d deliverance. I want home Hale En happy aving d believe dat dis month is my month. Am ttc over a year now….. I leave to celebrate God but my husband I have forgiving him and his brothers.

    • Adebisi hun, I’m sending you a big hug! Having not one, but two pregnant women living with you when you are still TTC isn’t an easy feat at all. I understand why your DH would have suggested it, as this economy isn’t smiling, but it won’t be easy on you. But God is your strength hun. Have you seen a doctor yet?

  8. I can relate to this post. My 8th year wedding anniversary was November 1st , in order for facebook not to remind me, I removed the date and thank God the day passed without no one reminding me except for my hubby & I wasn’t even excited about it but he was. Only for my sister to post pictures on my wall reminding me of our anniversary. I felt really bad that it’s 8years & still ttc, but I have the faith that the next anniversary will be with my twins .

    • Amen Abosede. You have got a good man there. God bless him. I know it hurts but stay true to the course. You will triumph. That you sister sha. *smiling* You have got so many people, who love you.

  9. yippee! i took @oluwakemi‘s advice and decied to not let the the fact that i had no baby to celebrate my second year anniversary with despite having ha two pregnancies within the two years. we had a small party….yes,you heard right,a party! we invited my family, those of hubby’s family who lived in town and some friends and we had a blast. i realised i had so many things to be grateful for despite not having a baby yet. i had a husband who loved me, a wonderful and supportive family,sound health,wonderful career, and most importantly…i had hope and faith. i had done it twice before and i would do it again and this time ,i would get to my expected end which is the delivery of a healthy baby. as the yoruba adage goes…..its the water that poured out and not the pot or calabash that got broken. i know that my third anniversary would be celebrated with a baby by God’s grace and mercies. so what was there not to celebrate? to all womwn TTC, keep your hope and faith alive for this too shall pass.

  10. Hmmm, thinking of the fact that God planned everything so well for my family this year but who am I to question him, my anniversary month was supposed to be same month as my EDD and it was meant to be a double celebration for my family but the devil srtoked again with another miscarriage.I, I might not have it all but I’m complete and grateful for life and the strength he’s giving to I and my hubby to be strong through this struggle .I’m so scared of October 18 our 3rd anniversary ,don’t have plans yet but I’m trusting God to make it great for Us .(Gtc)i call it giong to conceive because I know we will and it’s closer than we can imagine.i will never loose hope so pls don’t it’s not easy but with God on our side, we will have a testimony. #wearethebest #keepfightimg, #domtgiveup

    • So so sorry about your miscarriage, hun :hugs: . We’re joining hands with you in prayer for a wonderful surprise before October…but even if it doesn’t happen that way, I’m so glad that you’re able to be grateful for life and God’s grace on your life. God’s surely got you hun! We’re praying for you :heart: :hug:

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