October 23rd, 2009
I couldn’t get out of bed today.
I lied that I wasn’t feeling well, so JJ had to do the school run. I just lay under the familiar comfort of my sheets, in my darkened room. I was deflated and demoralised. I had let myself down.
When I was sure I was alone, I made my way to the kitchen, and opened my fridge. Thanks to JJ trying to “support” me, we had stopped stocking the house with all the sweet treats we used to. I looked in disdain at the fruits and vegetables that crowded the place, and angrily closed the door. No…nothing for me there.
I soon found myself in the pantry, where we stocked the snacks the kids took to school. It was Friday, so it was practically empty…save for a pack of wafers the kids didn’t like. Well, it would have to do.
By the time it was afternoon, I had finished the entire pack, drank 3 bowls of garri (loaded with way too much sugar…and milk…and nuts), some old wheat bread I had found deep in the fridge (laden with enough butter to deep fry meat), and sent our security guard to buy me a pack of rice and chicken from a nearby fast-food joint. Even before the meal arrived, I was already dreaming about what I would eat for dinner. JJ was doing the afternoon school run, so I had the entire day to myself. The kids nanny could watch them on her own for a change! It was at times like this I regretted not having a driver, as he could have gone to my favourite pastry shop in VI, to charter all the sweet treats I was lusting for.
The decision not to have a driver had not been an easy one for JJ and I to make. The last one we had was around the time we moved to our house, 4 years before. With all the shuttling to and from the old house, conveying our valuables, our driver had taken advantage of that, and had diverted a good number of our belongings…electronics, clothing, jewellery, you name it…by the time we realized it, he was gone…and his house empty. But my cool-as-a-cucumber husband refused to be side crossed by a driver, so we had engaged in a manhunt for the man all across the continent. The guy was eventually found in some town in Togo, and even though he was arrested and duly punished, we were never able to retrieve our belongings. It took us a few months to decide to hire again, but it so happened that, around that time, JJ’s friend, Chiggy, had been robbed by his own driver, in a worse manner than we had. That driver had actually led a band of robbers to their house, held them at gunpoint for a couple of hours, manhandled them, and robbed them of almost all their belongings, right down to their iron…leaving with them far worse emotional and psychological trauma than ours had! It was at that point that JJ and I decided we were done with them. It’s been stressful, but at least we have our peace of mind!
Anyway, I ate the meal when it arrived, and left strict instructions not to be disturbed by anyone. But a few hours later, I awoke to the feel of someone hovering over me. I opened my eye, and saw JJ holding the empty pack of rice, with a confused look on his face.
“What is this, Ihunna??!” he asked, in a very pained voice.
“Didn’t I tell you I’m not feeling well??!!” I retorted defensively “I needed to eat real food, to be able to take my drugs!”
“And I guess the Fanta was also a part of the requirements for your medication” he said sarcastically, holding up the empty soda bottle.
“Just go away” I mumbled, and turned away, so I wouldn’t have to see the look of disappointment on his face.
He stood there, silently, for a long while…before eventually leaving the room. When he was gone, I waited until I heard the sound of his car drive out of the compound, before reaching for the 2nd pack of rice I had decided to buy last minute. Thank God he didn’t see it where I stashed it. And thank God I had had the presence of mind to ask my Guard to buy a second pack. At least, it meant I wouldn’t have to bother about dinner…
October 24th, 2009
I was so relieved to see JJ lying in bed beside me this morning, that I completely forgot yesterday’s incident. Eating all that heavy food had completely knocked me out, and I had slept like a baby. But as the minutes rolled by, the realization of what I had done sank in, and, again, the depression set in.
I had failed! I had been doing so well…but yet, I had failed.
I was already in free-fall, so I decided to just continue eating whatever it was that would make me happy. So, I sent a text message to the kids’ nanny, to include me in Saturday breakfast. My ‘illness’ meant I wasn’t able to do what I always made sure I did myself, which was to cook our meals…especially our weekend meals. But I was not psychologically able to leave my bed.
When the meal of fried yam and egg sauce was ready, I decided to respect my bedroom, and had the nanny serve it in the dinning room. It was nowhere near the quality I would have made it (the eggs were undercooked, and the onions burnt black), but yet, I ate every mouthful like a prisoner denied home food for years.
I was still there eating, when JJ walked past me, dressed in his running gear. We exchanged a glance, after which he shook his head, plugged in his earphones, and walked out of the house. Guilt hit me, as I was extremely aware that it was what I should have been doing today. Working towards achieving my weight loss goal. But no, here I was, sitting and eating fried yam and fried egg.
With a deep sigh, I quickly shook it off, got up from the table, and went to the kitchen for a second helping.
Weight loss is obviously not for me…
Catch up on Ihunna’s story here:
- Confessions of a Fat Girl 1: Grubbido
- Confessions of a Fat Girl 2: Fragile
- Confessions of a Fat Girl 3: Defiant
- Confessions of a Fat Girl 4: Progress
- Confessions of a Fat Girl 5: The Gym
- Confessions of a Fat Girl 6: Killjoy
- Confessions of a Fat Girl 7: Pain
- Confessions of a Fat Girl 8: Frenemies
- Confessions of a Fat Girl 9: Exhilarated
- Confessions of a Fat Girl 10: Popcorn