Confessions of a Fat Girl 86: Who am I?

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22nd March, 2010

90.9kg.

Okay, on its own, that wasn’t a bad number to wake up to. A loss of 1.7kg in the week gone by is nothing to look down my nose on. Except I was kinda hoping for a higher number, after going for it hard at the gym, pretty much all week. I miss those early loss numbers of 3 and 4kg. Well, like my trainer told me, losing the earlier water weight would be easier than losing the flesh I’m trying to lose now.

But I’m not complaining.

Undeterred, I still went to the gym, as usual. When I was about 45 minutes into my treadmill run, I felt eyes on me. From the side of my eye, I noticed a guy staring at me from the other corner of the gym. Hmmm! Last week, I had noticed this same man looking at me, whilst lifting his weights, but I’d thought I was just being paranoid. But today, there was no mistaking the fact that he was actually staring.

So I turned off the treadmill, grabbed my towel, and stared right back at him, hoping this would throw him off. Instead, he’d just smiled at me, and walked away.

Imagine!

He didn’t look any older than 30 years old. Small boy who doesn’t know his age mate. It’s not his fault. It’s because two of us are here using the gym. Tomorrow, if he tries this rubbish tomorrow, he will see my red eye.

Getting home, I decided to laze for the day. My sister-in-law, Ezioma, and I spoke over the weekend, and we have a busy week planned. She’s coming here tomorrow, for us to strategise and work out a budget for our next shipment. So, bearing that in mind, I decided to treat myself to some TV.

Watching an episode of Oprah, which had American TV personality, Star Jones, talking about their very public weight losses, much of what she said really resonated with me. She spoke about how, after her gastric bypass surgery, she didn’t know who she was, or who she was going to be. It sent me the message that weight loss is so much more than losing pounds…it is a real process.

When you’re obese, losing weight is not just about eating less and/or moving more, to peel off layers of excess unhealthy weight. So many other changes occur; thoughts, reactions, emotions, even personality. I’ve started to feel different this past week. I’ve been thinking and feeling things in a different way, it’s hard to explain but it’s like I’m learning who I am all over again. I’m learning about who I am at this size. My libido is back with a vengeance, and I feel like I’m falling in love with my husband all over again. It feels amazing…but again “different.”

I’m way less emotional than I normally am, and am feeling emotional in a different way, like things are releasing gently, rather than building up and bursting out. The calmness is another thing that is really new to me, but I know that this is from the exercise (and I really really really like it.) I know that this process is going to keep on happening, until I hit my goal weight, and even beyond. Once I get to a weight that I can maintain without hunger or having to work out like an Olympic hopeful, I’ll have to learn who I am, what I want out of life, and how I wants to live it. Until then I’m going keep peeling back the layers and finding out what is underneath.

As I made my dinner smoothie later in the evening, JJ got home from work. Seeing him always brings such a big smile to my face. The fire hasn’t dried after almost 21 years together.

But that smile was about to disappear.

“I ran into Somto this afternoon,” he said grimly.

“Chidera’s husband?” I remarked, wondering why this information was giving my husband a long face.

“Yeah, I saw him at the airport, when we went to pick up our Expats who flew in today,” he answered. “He was flying out of the country.”

I shrugged, and continued with my smoothie. For some reason, my heart hadn’t thawed towards my cousin, and I was still struggling to get over her betrayal in Enugu.

“Do you know they’ve separated?” JJ asked.

The knife in my hand dropped to the floor. “Whaaat?!”

“That’s what he told me. They separated about a month ago.” JJ answered. “In fact, this trip of his is not some brief vacation. The guy has left the country for good!”

My legs went weak, and I quickly found my way to a kitchen stool. They had separated a month ago…that was about the same time as the Enugu fiasco. Could it be that she hadn’t just run off because of our fight, but as a result of the fire that was burning in her home?

My best friend has been going through the worst nightmare any married woman could have, and I have been here, making this all about me!

JJ put his arm around me. “You should call her.”

I nodded, not even able to say a word.

I have let my best friend down!

 

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Catch up on Ihunna’s story here:

  1. Confessions of a Fat Girl 1: Grubbido
  2. Confessions of a Fat Girl 2: Fragile
  3. Confessions of a Fat Girl 3: Defiant
  4. Confessions of a Fat Girl 4: Progress
  5. Confessions of a Fat Girl 5: The Gym
  6. Confessions of a Fat Girl 6: Killjoy
  7. Confessions of a Fat Girl 7: Pain
  8. Confessions of a Fat Girl 8: Frenemies
  9. Confessions of a Fat Girl 9: Exhilarated
  10. Confessions of a Fat Girl 10: Popcorn
  11. Confessions of a Fat Girl 11: Free-fall
  12. Confessions of a Fat Girl 12: Sunday Morning
  13. Confessions of a Fat Girl 13: Mission Reactivated
  14. Confessions of a Fat Girl 14: New Things
  15. Confessions of a Fat Girl 15: Bad Business
  16. Confessions of a Fat Girl 16: Luxury Items
  17. Confessions of a Fat Girl 17: The Solution
  18. Confessions of a Fat Girl 18: Magic Formula
  19. Confessions of a Fat Girl 19: Date Night
  20. Confessions of a Fat Girl 20: Quinoa
  21. Confessions of a Fat Girl 21: Perfect Fit
  22. Confessions of a Fat Girl 22: Keeping In Touch
  23. Confessions of a Fat Girl 23: Delete
  24. Confessions of a Fat Girl 24: Philosophical
  25. Confessions of a Fat Girl 25: Keep it Moving
  26. Confessions of a Fat Girl 26: My Co-Wife
  27. Confessions of a Fat Girl 27: Old Jeans & Old Friends
  28. Confessions of a Fat Girl 28: Prawn Stir Fry
  29. Confessions of a Fat Girl 29: Facebook Tagging
  30. Confessions of a Fat Girl 30: Detox Part 2
  31. Confessions of a Fat Girl 31: Abs & Crunches
  32. Confessions of a Fat Girl 32: Making Notes
  33. Confessions of a Fat Girl 33: Christmas Party
  34. Confessions of a Fat Girl 34: Ashiedu
  35. Confessions of a Fat Girl 35: Willpower
  36. Confessions of a Fat Girl 36: Packing…and TV
  37. Confessions of a Fat Girl 37: Last Minute
  38. Confessions of a Fat Girl 38: Body Image
  39. Confessions of a Fat Girl 39: Christmas Trip
  40. Confessions of a Fat Girl 40: Christmas in the Village
  41. Confessions of a Fat Girl 41: Daddy’s Girl
  42. Confessions of a Fat Girl 42: 2010
  43. Confessions of a Fat Girl 43: Uzoamaka
  44. Confessions of a Fat Girl 44: Sugar Binge
  45. Confessions of a Fat Girl 45: The E-mail
  46. Confessions of a Fat Girl 46: She whose name must not be repeated
  47. Confessions of a Fat Girl 47: Smokescreen
  48. Confessions of a Fat Girl 48: Running away
  49. Confessions of a Fat Girl 49: Fry-Up
  50. Confessions of a Fat Girl 50: The Only Solution
  51. Confessions of a Fat Girl 51: The Intervention
  52. Confessions of a Fat Girl 52: Tri-State Sisters
  53. Confessions of a Fat Girl 53: Manhattan
  54. Confessions of a Fat Girl 54: Daddy’s Girls
  55. Confessions of a Fat Girl 55: Stunned Silence
  56. Confessions of a Fat Girl 56: Bereavement
  57. Confessions of a Fat Girl 57: The Reconciliation
  58. Confessions of a Fat Girl 58: Staying Back
  59. Confessions of a Fat Girl 59: Friends & Marriage Proposals
  60. Confessions of a Fat Girl 60: Colourful and Happy
  61. Confessions of a Fat Girl 61: Sweet Potato & Chicken Salad
  62. Confessions of a Fat Girl 62: Miss Amerikana
  63. Confessions of a Fat Girl 63: Tragi-Romantic
  64. Confessions of a Fat Girl 64: Dead to me
  65. Confessions of a Fat Girl 65: Love Triangle
  66. Confessions of a Fat Girl 66: Forever my lady
  67. Confessions of a Fat Girl 67: Fight to the death
  68. Confessions of a Fat Girl 68: Hard choice to make
  69. Confessions of a Fat Girl 69: Back to reality
  70. Confessions of a Fat Girl 70: Life Reflections
  71. Confessions of a Fat Girl 71: Oatmeal, Blueberry & Banana Pancakes
  72. Confessions of a Fat Girl 72: The Engagement
  73. Confessions of a Fat Girl 73: Pillow Talk
  74. Confessions of a Fat Girl 74: Secretive Sister
  75. Confessions of a Fat Girl 75: Homemade Soup
  76. Confessions of a Fat Girl 76: Nna Men!
  77. Confessions of a Fat Girl 77: Comfort Food…Healthy Food
  78. Confessions of a Fat Girl 78: Miracle Working God
  79. Confessions of a Fat Girl 79: Lumps, Bumps and Jiggles
  80. Confessions of a Fat Girl 80: Oyibo Boyfriend
  81. Confessions of a Fat Girl 81: Wedding Gowns 
  82. Confessions of a Fat Girl 82: My New Friend
  83. Confessions of a Fat Girl 83: Emotional vs Physical Hunger
  84. Confessions of a Fat Girl 84: Look like an Mgbeke
  85. Confessions of a Fat Girl 85: Food Cravings

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