Confessions of a Fat Girl 45: The E-mail

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January 11th, 2010

My dear Sisters,

I can’t remember the last time I sent you guys an e-mail…well, one that didn’t have anything to do with buying me stuff. Skype has spoilt us. But I fear that what I have to share with you is not a Skype matter. It is not something that can be interrupted by poor internet connection or audio/video quality. And it is not something that can be said over the phone either. So, I guess only an e-mail would do.

Ogonna, you are right. I was avoiding you over the Christmas holidays. And I know Akwaugo also feels the same way. You were right to be suspicious of me constantly saying I would call you back. You were also right when you retorted that I couldn’t have been as busy as I was pretending to be. No, I wasn’t that busy. I just didn’t quite know what to say…or rather, I knew what to say…but just not how to say it…

In all our conversations over the holidays, neither of you asked about my visit with Dad. But this wasn’t unexpected, as there was never anything to report in previous years. It had always been the same old stuff…chastisement and scolding. I think it was about 3 Christmases ago that we stopped talking about my visits. Come to think about it, I don’t think we have talked about Dad at all, in well over a year.

But this time, it was different. I met a changed man. The man I spent quality time with was nothing like the brute we all grew up to know. He was sensitive, attentive, and caring. And he told me things that completely changed everything I have thought to be true for pretty much all my life.

Ever since that dark Easter holiday of 1986, when we came home to meet Dad gone, we all thought he had had finally had enough of all of us…a house full of fat women. We blamed him for the endless tears Mom shed, and resented him for remarrying shortly afterwards. And when Mom had passed away, it was a foregone conclusion that he was the culprit. And it didn’t help that he was always full of caustic and acerbic words for us. We were constantly walking on eggshells, anytime we were around him, never knowing which of us would be at the receiving end of his sharp mouth.

But I always wondered why Uncle Osita, Mom’s brother, never had a bad word to say about Dad. Anytime we lamented about what he had done, and called him a murderer, remember what he always used to say? ‘Some things are not what they seem’. Or he would say something like ‘Your mother used her weight to kill herself.’ I always wondered why he never seemed mad at the person who had been responsible for his sister’s death, and had chosen to rather blame this same sister for her fate.

Well, I found out this Christmas holiday.

My sisters, it was nothing but love that made our father act the way he did. Love and fear. So terrified was he of losing his wife, the love of his life, to the same scourge that had terminated her mother, sister, and a host of her other relatives, that he had resorted to deploying harsh methods to try to get her to change.

We all know that didn’t happen. She didn’t change…and neither did we. If Dad hadn’t left, her weight would still have killed her. And if we hadn’t taken our own fate in our hands, the same thing would have happened to us.

We have already lost over 20 years of paternal love. The man we grew to loathe has actually done nothing but love us…perhaps a bit too much.

For me, I am done fighting him, and am determined to enjoy whatever is left of his life…or maybe even mine. We never know how soon we will go. I have been reminded only very recently about just how fragile life can be.

There is so much more to say, concerning this…so many emotions that can not be conveyed over the several oceans that separate us. After you read this mail, perhaps we can talk over the phone. That might help…but it isn’t the solution.

The solution is for you to come home…both of you. We need to sit down with our father. This animosity needs to end.

Enough is enough.

 

Reading through my e-mail one last time, I shrugged and hit the Send button. It could never be perfect enough, but it would have to do.

Shutting my laptop, I hurried downstairs. It was already 7.30am, and it’s the first day of school for my boys.

As for going to the gym afterwards? Nah! That’s not going to happen!

 

Photo Credits

  1. https://www.pinterest.com

 

Catch up on Ihunna’s story here:

  1. Confessions of a Fat Girl 1: Grubbido
  2. Confessions of a Fat Girl 2: Fragile
  3. Confessions of a Fat Girl 3: Defiant
  4. Confessions of a Fat Girl 4: Progress
  5. Confessions of a Fat Girl 5: The Gym
  6. Confessions of a Fat Girl 6: Killjoy
  7. Confessions of a Fat Girl 7: Pain
  8. Confessions of a Fat Girl 8: Frenemies
  9. Confessions of a Fat Girl 9: Exhilarated
  10. Confessions of a Fat Girl 10: Popcorn
  11. Confessions of a Fat Girl 11: Free-fall
  12. Confessions of a Fat Girl 12: Sunday Morning
  13. Confessions of a Fat Girl 13: Mission Reactivated
  14. Confessions of a Fat Girl 14: New Things
  15. Confessions of a Fat Girl 15: Bad Business
  16. Confessions of a Fat Girl 16: Luxury Items
  17. Confessions of a Fat Girl 17: The Solution
  18. Confessions of a Fat Girl 18: Magic Formula
  19. Confessions of a Fat Girl 19: Date Night
  20. Confessions of a Fat Girl 20: Quinoa
  21. Confessions of a Fat Girl 21: Perfect Fit
  22. Confessions of a Fat Girl 22: Keeping In Touch
  23. Confessions of a Fat Girl 23: Delete
  24. Confessions of a Fat Girl 24: Philosophical
  25. Confessions of a Fat Girl 25: Keep it Moving
  26. Confessions of a Fat Girl 26: My Co-Wife
  27. Confessions of a Fat Girl 27: Old Jeans & Old Friends
  28. Confessions of a Fat Girl 28: Prawn Stir Fry
  29. Confessions of a Fat Girl 29: Facebook Tagging
  30. Confessions of a Fat Girl 30: Detox Part 2
  31. Confessions of a Fat Girl 31: Abs & Crunches
  32. Confessions of a Fat Girl 32: Making Notes
  33. Confessions of a Fat Girl 33: Christmas Party
  34. Confessions of a Fat Girl 34: Ashiedu
  35. Confessions of a Fat Girl 35: Willpower
  36. Confessions of a Fat Girl 36: Packing…and TV
  37. Confessions of a Fat Girl 37: Last Minute
  38. Confessions of a Fat Girl 38: Body Image
  39. Confessions of a Fat Girl 39: Christmas Trip
  40. Confessions of a Fat Girl 40: Christmas in the Village
  41. Confessions of a Fat Girl 41: Daddy’s Girl
  42. Confessions of a Fat Girl 42: 2010
  43. Confessions of a Fat Girl 43: Uzoamaka
  44. Confessions of a Fat Girl 44: Sugar Binge

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