Confessions of a Fat Girl 44: Sugar Binge

January 10^th, 2010

It is Sunday, and I haven’t been able to get out of bed all weekend…well, that’s not true. I have gotten out of bed…but only on my numerous trips to the fridge downstairs. It’s at times like this that I regret removing the fridge in my bedroom, or even the children’s living room upstairs. At least, that would have saved me all the trips.

All weekend, I have been in bed…eating. All the foods I have banished from my life in the last few weeks, have become my bedside companion. Because that has been the only thing to numb the pain I feel inside.

At first, I didn’t understand why I was taking Uzoamaka’s death so badly. We weren’t that close, and it’s not as if she has left behind a young family. Even JJ couldn’t understand my devastation. He had been sad for me, when I broke the news to him on Thursday, and also when I got back from Oby’s house on Friday, but by yesterday, he had had enough of my behavior.

“Isn’t this the same Uzoamaka you used to complain about? The one who even fat shamed you just a few weeks ago?” he had exclaimed, as I lay in bed, with the curtains drawn.

“You don’t understand…” I replied weakly.

As JJ looked around at the half empty ice-cream bucket beside my bed, and the biscuit and candy wraps that littered my night stand, I could tell he was exasperated. But thank God, he decided to just leave me be…and so I had continued to wallow.

You see, my grief about Uzoamaka’s death is only a small fraction of why I feel so broken. As I thought about her own unachieved dreams, I wondered about my own. What would happen if I were to die today? What have I really achieved? Yes, I have a wonderful family I am eternally grateful for, but outside of that, what have I really achieved? Is a children’s supplies/diapers business really enough? And even this luxury packages business Ezioma is trying to drag me into…is that really enough? Have I left any lasting footprints in the sand of time? I don’t think so…and, at the age of 37, I find that rather depressing.

And I have also been grieving over the lost years my Dad and I had. Yes, we have reconciled, and everything is great…but my heart breaks over the 20 plus years we could have had together. I went through all that time, believing my Dad hated me, that he thought I was revolting and disgusting. But yet, he was there longing for me…and loving me. All those years I went without having a father-figure in my life…all those years when I longed to have a parent to talk to…he was right there…but we were separated by pride and misunderstanding.

And so, I am effectively mourning. Mourning Uzoamaka, mourning my own lack of accomplishment, mourning the lost years with my Dad…mourning.

It was this afternoon, lying in my bed, munching on leftover Christmas cake and watching a Friends marathon on TV, that I took a look at myself, and realized what kind of trouble I will be in, whenever I decide to get on that scale. Tomorrow will be a full month since my last weigh-in, when I saw that lovely 87.5 number. After eating like a crazy person in the village, not to mention this weekend, I know I will be greeted with a higher number…for sure! In an ideal world, it wouldn’t be more than +5kg. But in reality, I know that this number will be much much higher!

But even that is not enough motivation for me to put down the cake and ice cream. I know I’m not doing myself any favours, but the truth is that nothing else can fill the hole I have inside. No fruit smoothie in this world, no rice cakes, no salads, can help with this grief I am feeling now.

Right now, lying in bed, only sugar can be my companion. Only sugar can comfort me.

I definitely won’t be weighing myself tomorrow. Psychologically, I’m not there yet. And psychologically, I’m not ready to go without my sugar either.

I need this time. I need to heal. And at a time like this, only my longtime friend, sugar, will do.

Nothing else!

Photo Credit

1. http://thefoodpornographer.com

Catch up on Ihunna’s story here:

1. Confessions of a Fat Girl 1: Grubbido
2. Confessions of a Fat Girl 2: Fragile
3. Confessions of a Fat Girl 3: Defiant
4. Confessions of a Fat Girl 4: Progress
5. Confessions of a Fat Girl 5: The Gym
6. Confessions of a Fat Girl 6: Killjoy
7. Confessions of a Fat Girl 7: Pain
8. Confessions of a Fat Girl 8: Frenemies
9. Confessions of a Fat Girl 9: Exhilarated
10. Confessions of a Fat Girl 10: Popcorn
11. Confessions of a Fat Girl 11: Free-fall
12. Confessions of a Fat Girl 12: Sunday Morning
13. Confessions of a Fat Girl 13: Mission Reactivated
14. Confessions of a Fat Girl 14: New Things
15. Confessions of a Fat Girl 15: Bad Business
16. Confessions of a Fat Girl 16: Luxury Items
17. Confessions of a Fat Girl 17: The Solution
18. Confessions of a Fat Girl 18: Magic Formula
19. Confessions of a Fat Girl 19: Date Night
20. Confessions of a Fat Girl 20: Quinoa
21. Confessions of a Fat Girl 21: Perfect Fit
22. Confessions of a Fat Girl 22: Keeping In Touch
23. Confessions of a Fat Girl 23: Delete
24. Confessions of a Fat Girl 24: Philosophical
25. Confessions of a Fat Girl 25: Keep it Moving
26. Confessions of a Fat Girl 26: My Co-Wife
27. Confessions of a Fat Girl 27: Old Jeans & Old Friends
28. Confessions of a Fat Girl 28: Prawn Stir Fry
29. Confessions of a Fat Girl 29: Facebook Tagging
30. Confessions of a Fat Girl 30: Detox Part 2
31. Confessions of a Fat Girl 31: Abs & Crunches
32. Confessions of a Fat Girl 32: Making Notes
33. Confessions of a Fat Girl 33: Christmas Party
34. Confessions of a Fat Girl 34: Ashiedu
35. Confessions of a Fat Girl 35: Willpower
36. Confessions of a Fat Girl 36: Packing…and TV
37. Confessions of a Fat Girl 37: Last Minute
38. Confessions of a Fat Girl 38: Body Image
39. Confessions of a Fat Girl 39: Christmas Trip
40. Confessions of a Fat Girl 40: Christmas in the Village
41. Confessions of a Fat Girl 41: Daddy’s Girl
42. Confessions of a Fat Girl 42: 2010
43. Confessions of a Fat Girl 43: Uzoamaka