Confessions of a Fat Girl 38: Body Image

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December 17th, 2009

As our departure day draws closer and closer, I know that I have lost enough weight for people to notice a different. And by people, I really mean my Dad. With 25kg lost in a little over 3 months, I think I have done pretty well. But now, I find myself worrying about what happens next!

As far as my weight loss is concerned, I feel like I have a job where I’ve been told I have to work longer hours for half the salary. Back in the beginning, when I first started, I could do some walking and eat pretty well, and lose between 3-4kg a week. Now I have to go to the gym religiously, and watch what I eat carefully, in the hopes of losing 2kg, if I’m lucky. It doesn’t seem fair. I’ve entered a phase of where I have to work harder for less results.

The motivations are slightly less too since my weight loss from here on out is mostly for vanity, and not health per say. I’m not like my sister-in-law, who has been ordered by her doctor to lose weight. I’m sure there will be some health benefits from losing the final 20kg, but I’m not concerned about slumping from a heart attack any time soon anymore.

I’m still going to work towards goal though. It’s just that all kilograms are not created equal, and these last 20 look like they’re going to be the hardest. I wonder how those remaining little fat cells feel, seeing their brothers and sisters vanishing like a magician’s assistant in a trick box. They’ve been hiding in the back, when the other fat cells got drafted to leave, probably hoping I’d go back to eating bread and doughnuts so they could stay home, comfortably lining the tissues of my belly and thighs. Hopefully they’ll be packing their bags and vacating the premise soon…permanently!

In some ways I envy the people who will be starting out their own journeys in the New Year. Those first pounds are some of the easiest and most exciting to lose.

Making a quick dash to our estate grocery store, I realized one thing. I don’t feel like a fat girl anymore! Looking at myself in the CCTV monitors in the store, I realized that the average-sized woman was me…and the surprising thing is that I wasn’t surprised. I am surprised that I feel this way. When I started this journey, I was concerned a part of me would always think of myself as the fat girl.

I’ve read weight-loss blogs where the authors have lost a whole lot of weight and still have trouble thinking of themselves as a thin, and are constantly surprised that they don’t have the issues they used to have as big people. I have realized that I feel very comfortable in my body, and I believe my self-image pretty closely matches my actual image.

I guess this is because that I have used the slow and steady method, and not the quick-fix offered by some of these fad diets. If I’d gone to bed weighing 110kg and woken up weighing 70kg, then I guess having body issues would have been inevitable! Another thing is that, even though I was overweight and obese for most of my life, I was only morbidly obese for maybe 6 or 7 years. Perhaps if I’d spent a decade or more at over 110kg, it would be more difficult to make this adjustment. But I’m not sure if my mind every fully accepted the fact that I weighed 113kg back when I still did.

In addition, exercising has made me very familiar with my body. I know what it’s capable of. I know how fast I can run, and for how long…how far I can bend…and how far I can go in general. I know I can bend my leg up at a right angle to my body. I know I can squat and stand up without pushing off of the floor. My body and I used to be estranged, but now we’re best buddies working in synch. I know it very well and that includes knowing what size it is.

So, as 2009 draws to an end, and for the first time in forever, I can confidently say I comfortable in my body. I love my body, even though I still have another 20kg to go!

I hope I don’t go and undo all my hard work in the village ohhhhh!

Tonight, as we lay in bed, I wrapped my arms around my husband, in a spooning position. That was my way of letting him know I’m not mad any longer. In response, he turned to hold me, and kissed my forehead.

I think we were too tired to take things any further, as we fell asleep that way.

Counting down to the trip!!!

 

 

 

Catch up on Ihunna’s story here:

  1. Confessions of a Fat Girl 1: Grubbido
  2. Confessions of a Fat Girl 2: Fragile
  3. Confessions of a Fat Girl 3: Defiant
  4. Confessions of a Fat Girl 4: Progress
  5. Confessions of a Fat Girl 5: The Gym
  6. Confessions of a Fat Girl 6: Killjoy
  7. Confessions of a Fat Girl 7: Pain
  8. Confessions of a Fat Girl 8: Frenemies
  9. Confessions of a Fat Girl 9: Exhilarated
  10. Confessions of a Fat Girl 10: Popcorn
  11. Confessions of a Fat Girl 11: Free-fall
  12. Confessions of a Fat Girl 12: Sunday Morning
  13. Confessions of a Fat Girl 13: Mission Reactivated
  14. Confessions of a Fat Girl 14: New Things
  15. Confessions of a Fat Girl 15: Bad Business
  16. Confessions of a Fat Girl 16: Luxury Items
  17. Confessions of a Fat Girl 17: The Solution
  18. Confessions of a Fat Girl 18: Magic Formula
  19. Confessions of a Fat Girl 19: Date Night
  20. Confessions of a Fat Girl 20: Quinoa
  21. Confessions of a Fat Girl 21: Perfect Fit
  22. Confessions of a Fat Girl 22: Keeping In Touch
  23. Confessions of a Fat Girl 23: Delete
  24. Confessions of a Fat Girl 24: Philosophical
  25. Confessions of a Fat Girl 25: Keep it Moving
  26. Confessions of a Fat Girl 26: My Co-Wife
  27. Confessions of a Fat Girl 27: Old Jeans & Old Friends
  28. Confessions of a Fat Girl 28: Prawn Stir Fry
  29. Confessions of a Fat Girl 29: Facebook Tagging
  30. Confessions of a Fat Girl 30: Detox Part 2
  31. Confessions of a Fat Girl 31: Abs & Crunches
  32. Confessions of a Fat Girl 32: Making Notes
  33. Confessions of a Fat Girl 33: Christmas Party
  34. Confessions of a Fat Girl 34: Ashiedu
  35. Confessions of a Fat Girl 35: Willpower
  36. Confessions of a Fat Girl 36: Packing…and TV
  37. Confessions of a Fat Girl 37: Last Minute

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