Confessions of a Fat Girl 199: The Bribe

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November 13, 2010

Today was one of those days!

Saturday morning, and my first waking thought was that I leave the country in about 48 hours, and I have not bought one single item from Akwaugo’s long list! So I had to get myself together quickly, and was out of the house before 8am.

My journey took me from the nearby markets, all the way to Mile 12 market, and then to Iponri market in Surulere, before ending my journey at Balogun market, buying everything from foodstuff to fabric to local pastry (can somebody tell me why I have to keep buying my sister Mr. Biggs meat pie and Gala sausage rolls every time I travel???). As Legachi was still carrying face, I didn’t even bother with her, choosing instead to set off on my own.

By the time I got home at about 4pm, I was drenched in sweat, and could have as well been working out in the gym. That was one consolation, the fact that my market waka had been so exerting, it could have qualified for a workout!

Walking into the kitchen, I barely acknowledged her greeting, and proceeded to draft my domestic help to assist in cleaning the stock fish and smoked fist I’d purchased, as well as freezing the suya. From the corner of my eye, I saw Legachi loitering uncomfortably. Her mother (God rest her soul) sure did a great job with her, as I could tell she was dying inside watching me work so hard, without her assistance.

“Aunty, can I help you?” she finally caved and asked.

I shook my head in response, not taking my eyes off the fish I was cleaning. She was the one who started the cold treatment. So, if she could give it…she might as well be able to take it!

Once done with the food prep, I proceeded to have a much needed bath. There are very things in life as wonderful as a cool bath, after a long and stressful day. I had the option of a full-on relaxing soak in the bathtub, with scented candles and aromatic oils, but chose instead for the quick-fix of a cool bath.

That done, I proceeded to the living room to relax and watch TV. JJ took the kids out, and it seemed like I had the house all to myself.

Until Legachi crawled in like a mouse.

“Sis…” she said, approaching me cautiously. “Someone wants to see you.”

I gave her a sideways glance, irritated by interruption. “And who is this someone?”

She didn’t answer, but instead beckoned furtively at whoever was standing behind the door.

“Good evening, Ma’am!” came a familiar deep baritone, as Ahanna walked into the room.

I pursed my lips and crossed my arms, waiting to see what on earth the fabulous duo had up their sleeves.

“Legachi told me you’re traveling soon, so I brought you a little something!” he said, handing me a white envelope.

I looked at him quizzically before I looked inside the envelope. My mouth almost dropped open when I saw that enclosed was a bundle of dollars. In fact, it did.

“$3,000, sis!” Legachi declared with so much pride, it was amazing she didn’t burst.

“What’s this for?” I demanded, looking from Ahanna to Legachi.

“Legachi told me you’re traveling…” he answered, sounding a but flustered. “I just thought it would be a good idea to give you some money for the trip…”

I looked at the boy, stunned. So, this is how he has been blinding Legachi with cash. I was momentarily overcome with the urge to fling the envelope in his face, and ask him who he thought I was. I wanted to ask him if he thought he could bribe me…buy me with his money…because I truly had no words for the unprecedented act.

But I thought the better of it. An extra $3,000 won’t hurt…even if it is from my baby sister’s over aged toaster.

“Thank you!” I said, throwing the envelope on the seat beside me, and looking away, effectively dismissing them.

I had to restrain myself from smiling at the look of shock and confusion that crossed both their faces, and as they made their way to leave, in surrender.

Once they were out of sight, I reached for the envelope and kissed it in glee.

They never hala!

 

 

Catch up on Ihunna’s story here:

  1. Confessions of a Fat Girl 1: Grubbido
  2. Confessions of a Fat Girl 2: Fragile
  3. Confessions of a Fat Girl 3: Defiant
  4. Confessions of a Fat Girl 4: Progress
  5. Confessions of a Fat Girl 5: The Gym
  6. Confessions of a Fat Girl 6: Killjoy
  7. Confessions of a Fat Girl 7: Pain
  8. Confessions of a Fat Girl 8: Frenemies
  9. Confessions of a Fat Girl 9: Exhilarated
  10. Confessions of a Fat Girl 10: Popcorn
  11. Confessions of a Fat Girl 11: Free-fall
  12. Confessions of a Fat Girl 12: Sunday Morning
  13. Confessions of a Fat Girl 13: Mission Reactivated
  14. Confessions of a Fat Girl 14: New Things
  15. Confessions of a Fat Girl 15: Bad Business
  16. Confessions of a Fat Girl 16: Luxury Items
  17. Confessions of a Fat Girl 17: The Solution
  18. Confessions of a Fat Girl 18: Magic Formula
  19. Confessions of a Fat Girl 19: Date Night
  20. Confessions of a Fat Girl 20: Quinoa
  21. Confessions of a Fat Girl 21: Perfect Fit
  22. Confessions of a Fat Girl 22: Keeping In Touch
  23. Confessions of a Fat Girl 23: Delete
  24. Confessions of a Fat Girl 24: Philosophical
  25. Confessions of a Fat Girl 25: Keep it Moving
  26. Confessions of a Fat Girl 26: My Co-Wife
  27. Confessions of a Fat Girl 27: Old Jeans & Old Friends
  28. Confessions of a Fat Girl 28: Prawn Stir Fry
  29. Confessions of a Fat Girl 29: Facebook Tagging
  30. Confessions of a Fat Girl 30: Detox Part 2
  31. Confessions of a Fat Girl 31: Abs & Crunches
  32. Confessions of a Fat Girl 32: Making Notes
  33. Confessions of a Fat Girl 33: Christmas Party
  34. Confessions of a Fat Girl 34: Ashiedu
  35. Confessions of a Fat Girl 35: Willpower
  36. Confessions of a Fat Girl 36: Packing…and TV
  37. Confessions of a Fat Girl 37: Last Minute
  38. Confessions of a Fat Girl 38: Body Image
  39. Confessions of a Fat Girl 39: Christmas Trip
  40. Confessions of a Fat Girl 40: Christmas in the Village
  41. Confessions of a Fat Girl 41: Daddy’s Girl
  42. Confessions of a Fat Girl 42: 2010
  43. Confessions of a Fat Girl 43: Uzoamaka
  44. Confessions of a Fat Girl 44: Sugar Binge
  45. Confessions of a Fat Girl 45: The E-mail
  46. Confessions of a Fat Girl 46: She whose name must not be repeated
  47. Confessions of a Fat Girl 47: Smokescreen
  48. Confessions of a Fat Girl 48: Running away
  49. Confessions of a Fat Girl 49: Fry-Up
  50. Confessions of a Fat Girl 50: The Only Solution
  51. Confessions of a Fat Girl 51: The Intervention
  52. Confessions of a Fat Girl 52: Tri-State Sisters
  53. Confessions of a Fat Girl 53: Manhattan
  54. Confessions of a Fat Girl 54: Daddy’s Girls
  55. Confessions of a Fat Girl 55: Stunned Silence
  56. Confessions of a Fat Girl 56: Bereavement
  57. Confessions of a Fat Girl 57: The Reconciliation
  58. Confessions of a Fat Girl 58: Staying Back
  59. Confessions of a Fat Girl 59: Friends & Marriage Proposals
  60. Confessions of a Fat Girl 60: Colourful and Happy
  61. Confessions of a Fat Girl 61: Sweet Potato & Chicken Salad
  62. Confessions of a Fat Girl 62: Miss Amerikana
  63. Confessions of a Fat Girl 63: Tragi-Romantic
  64. Confessions of a Fat Girl 64: Dead to me
  65. Confessions of a Fat Girl 65: Love Triangle
  66. Confessions of a Fat Girl 66: Forever my lady
  67. Confessions of a Fat Girl 67: Fight to the death
  68. Confessions of a Fat Girl 68: Hard choice to make
  69. Confessions of a Fat Girl 69: Back to reality
  70. Confessions of a Fat Girl 70: Life Reflections
  71. Confessions of a Fat Girl 71: Oatmeal, Blueberry & Banana Pancakes
  72. Confessions of a Fat Girl 72: The Engagement
  73. Confessions of a Fat Girl 73: Pillow Talk
  74. Confessions of a Fat Girl 74: Secretive Sister
  75. Confessions of a Fat Girl 75: Homemade Soup
  76. Confessions of a Fat Girl 76: Nna Men!
  77. Confessions of a Fat Girl 77: Comfort Food…Healthy Food
  78. Confessions of a Fat Girl 78: Miracle Working God
  79. Confessions of a Fat Girl 79: Lumps, Bumps and Jiggles
  80. Confessions of a Fat Girl 80: Oyibo Boyfriend
  81. Confessions of a Fat Girl 81: Wedding Gowns 
  82. Confessions of a Fat Girl 82: My New Friend
  83. Confessions of a Fat Girl 83: Emotional vs Physical Hunger
  84. Confessions of a Fat Girl 84: Look like an Mgbeke
  85. Confessions of a Fat Girl 85: Food Cravings
  86. Confessions of a Fat Girl 86: Who am I?
  87. Confessions of a Fat Girl 87: Separation, Counselling…Divorce
  88. Confessions of a Fat Girl 88: A Man’s World
  89. Confessions of a Fat Girl 89: Envy, Weight and Love!
  90. Confessions of a Fat Girl 90: Regret
  91. Confessions of a Fat Girl 91: Time to move on
  92. Confessions of a Fat Girl 92: Have some fruit!
  93. Confessions of a Fat Girl 93: Family Easter
  94. Confessions of a Fat Girl 94: Sister Reunion
  95. Confessions of a Fat Girl 95: Perfect Fit; Perfect Surprise
  96. Confessions of a Fat Girl 96: The Love Story
  97. Confessions of a Fat Girl 97: Caught in the middle
  98. Confessions of a Fat Girl 98: Kisses…and Blood
  99. Confessions of a Fat Girl 99: Past…or Present Tense
  100. Confessions of a Fat Girl 100: Jewel
  101. Confessions of a Fat Girl 101: “Ill find you…and I’ll kill you”
  102. Confessions of a Fat Girl 102: Homecoming
  103. Confessions of a Fat Girl 103: Fever Pitch
  104. Confessions of a Fat Girl 104: Whodunit?
  105. Confessions of a Fat Girl 105: The Hypocrite
  106. Confessions of a Fat Girl 106: Message from Mom
  107. Confessions of a Fat Girl 107: Accountability & Responsibility
  108. Confessions of a Fat Girl 108: It’s for the best
  109. Confessions of a Fat Girl 109: Port Harcourt
  110. Confessions of a Fat Girl 110: While you were away
  111. Confessions of a Fat Girl 111: Planning…and a little bit of Salmon
  112. Confessions of a Fat Girl 112: Putting yourself first
  113. Confessions of a Fat Girl 113: Fruit Crumble
  114. Confessions of a Fat Girl 114: Resting Heart Rate
  115. Confessions of a Fat Girl 115: Shishi, he no get
  116. Confessions of a Fat Girl 116: The truth hurts
  117. Confessions of a Fat Girl 117: Veggie Burger
  118. Confessions of a Fat Girl 118: Weight Watchers Porn
  119. Confessions of a Fat Girl 119: The Worst That Can Happen
  120. Confessions of a Fat Girl 120: Baby Dady
  121. Confessions of a Fat Girl 121: Not a Player
  122. Confessions of a Fat Girl 122: Fat versus Fit Brain
  123. Confessions of a Fat Girl 123: Aunty Caroline
  124. Confessions of a Fat Girl 124: Delete his number
  125. Confessions of a Fat Girl 125: Meal Planning
  126. Confessions of a Fat Girl 126: Food Shopping
  127. Confessions of a Fat Girl 127: The Baby Bump
  128. Confessions of a Fat Girl 128: Cavorting, Prevention & Spunk
  129. Confessions of a Fat Girl 129: The secret is out
  130. Confessions of a Fat Girl 130: Postpone the inevitable
  131. Confessions of a Fat Girl 131: Queen of Wishful Thinking
  132. Confessions of a Fat Girl 132: Fat Prison
  133. Confessions of a Fat Girl 133: Some time away
  134. Confessions of a Fat Girl 134: Taking life too seriously
  135. Confessions of a Fat Girl 135: Is this really me?
  136. Confessions of a Fat Girl 136: Soothing
  137. Confessions of a Fat Girl 137: Welcome to the real world
  138. Confessions of a Fat Girl 138: The Storm
  139. Confessions of a Fat Girl 139: Head up!
  140. Confessions of a Fat Girl 140: Half-Year Check
  141. Confessions of a Fat Girl 141: Leave him for his wife
  142. Confessions of a Fat Girl 142: The Plan
  143. Confessions of a Fat Girl 143: Leave of Absence
  144. Confessions of a Fat Girl 144: A Convenient Life
  145. Confessions of a Fat Girl 145: Sensible Snacking
  146. Confessions of a Fat Girl 146: Choices
  147. Confessions of a Fat Girl 147: Probing Questions
  148. Confessions of a Fat Girl 148: Travel Arrangements
  149. Confessions of a Fat Girl 149: The best feeling ever
  150. Confessions of a Fat Girl 150: Not happy
  151. Confessions of a Fat Girl 151: Still Married
  152. Confessions of a Fat Girl 152: Heartbreak
  153. Confessions of a Fat Girl 153: You complete me
  154. Confessions of a Fat Girl 154: Make it work
  155. Confessions of a Fat Girl 155: Love Weight
  156. Confessions of a Fat Girl 156: Pretty Girl
  157. Confessions of a Fat Girl 157: Juice Fast Prep
  158. Confessions of a Fat Girl 158: Better this way
  159. Confessions of a Fat Girl 159: Eat the doughnut
  160. Confessions of a Fat Girl 160: The Stroke
  161. Confessions of a Fat Girl 161: The Hardest Part
  162. Confessions of a Fat Girl 162: Blame Game
  163. Confessions of a Fat Girl 163: A Cerebral Affair
  164. Confessions of a Fat Girl 164: An Epiphany
  165. Confessions of a Fat Girl 165: Regret…Healing
  166. Confessions of a Fat Girl 166: The Old Man’s Talisman
  167. Confessions of a Fat Girl 167: Party in the mouth
  168. Confessions of a Fat Girl 168: The last piece of the puzzle
  169. Confessions of a Fat Girl 169: Ogonna’s Plan
  170. Confessions of a Fat Girl 170: Casual Bystander
  171. Confessions of a Fat Girl 171: My own two eyes 
  172. Confessions of a Fat Girl 172: Leading Lady
  173. Confessions of a Fat Girl 173: Longtime Boyfriend
  174. Confessions of a Fat Girl 174: Bone Dry
  175. Confessions of a Fat Girl 175: Divorcing
  176. Confessions of a Fat Girl 176: Looking out for myself
  177. Confessions of a Fat Girl 177: Dispassionate
  178. Confessions of a Fat Girl 178: Making Amends
  179. Confessions of a Fat Girl 179: You showed your hands
  180. Confessions of a Fat Girl 180: Winter Wonderland
  181. Confessions of a Fat Girl 181: Love conquers all
  182. Confessions of a Fat Girl 182: Business Head
  183. Confessions of a Fat Girl 183: This One Won’t Hurt
  184. Confessions of a Fat Girl 184: Risqué 
  185. Confessions of a Fat Girl 185: Root Canal
  186. Confessions of a Fat Girl 186: No more excuses
  187. Confessions of a Fat Girl 187: Back on the wagon
  188. Confessions of a Fat Girl 188: Big Girls Club
  189. Confessions of a Fat Girl 189: Tired of being pregnant
  190. Confessions of a Fat Girl 190: Beef Stroganoff 
  191. Confessions of Fat Girl 191: Scared…Excited
  192. Confessions of a Fat Girl 192: An Older Man
  193. Confessions of a Fat Girl 193: Futility
  194. Confessions of a Fat Girl 194: Fluke Pregnancy
  195. Confessions of a Fat Girl 195: Naive 
  196. Confessions of a Fat Girl 196: Nowhere to hide
  197. Confessions of a Fat Girl 197: The Snob
  198. Confessions of a Fat Girl 198: Sweet Freedom

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