Confessions of a Fat Girl 176: Looking Out For Myself!

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September 30, 2010

“Ihunna, I’m just tired!” had been what Ezioma said to me, when I called her this morning.

I don’t think I even got a wink of sleep last night. I just kept tossing and turning. Ezioma and Chinedu were divorcing? How??!

By 4.00am, I knew sleep had eluded me for the night, and I sat up in bed, wondering why I was reacting so badly to the news when JJ, the brother of the person divorcing, was sleeping like a baby.

And then it dawned on me…

Ezioma and Chinedu were the only other long-term couple I knew…the only ones who were giving me any hope for this thing called marriage. With Chidera and Somto divorced, Ezioma and Chinedu were the only other couple I could use as a reference point for a marriage with longevity.

Yes, there are JJ’s parents who have been married for almost 50 years…but outside of those two, I have lost any other reference point…not least of all starting with the early demise of my parents’ own marriage…

And then I realized the source of my morbid phobia for marriage mortality. My parents’ breakup had scarred me in many more ways than one. Maybe it was even the reason behind Ogonna’s delay in getting married in the first place, or Akwaugo’s failed first marriage. Yes, Akwaugo’s ex husband is a beast, but maybe she too has been carrying baggage from our parents’ divorce…maybe…

It took everything in me to wait until 8am, so that I could call Ezioma in London. At 7am her time, even though it wasn’t exactly the crack of dawn, I was aware of how early it was, regardless. But I just had to speak to her.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before I left, nne!” she had said apologetically. “I pretty much hopped on a plane the minute I made a decision.”

“But I don’t understand it. You two are so much in love! What could have prompted this?” I lamented.

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“Ihunna, don’t let appearances fool you. I haven’t been happy for a long, long time! For so many years, I have been living my life just to please him. Doing things at the expense of my own happiness! Enough is enough, biko!” she said firmly. “When the kids were barely teens, he made them move to the U.K. for school, meaning I had to leave a career I loved, just so I could be there with them. Even though I mourned the loss of my job, I didn’t even mind too much, as it meant me being with my children. But while I’m there, sacrificing for our family, Chinedu will be here, carrying small girls up and down the place!”

My mouth almost dropped to the floor. Small girls ke?!

“I managed to convince myself that it’s because I was too fat…so I almost killed myself to lose 30kg…just so I would be sexy enough for him. I started making more frequent trips to Nigeria, thinking that would make him stop. But he didn’t stop. From morning to night, his phone will be buzzing non-stop. Ogini! Na only me marry?!” she continued her rant. “The last straw was when I found out he actually took a small girl along with him to China! I left my children in London, sitting there in Agbara Estate, in the middle of nowhere, while he was philandering with some small girl who probably wasn’t even born when I met his sorry ass!”

I opened my mouth to speak, but words failed me. Chinedu had been cheating? He had taken another woman with him to China? I was gobsmacked.

“Ezioma, are you sure of what you’re saying? It doesn’t sound like Chinedu…”

Ezioma had chuckled, and I could picture her shaking her head.

“Ihunna, let me just tell you something. They are like that! ALL of them! Chinedu and ALL his brothers are like that!” she spat out.

And my heart stopped. Surely, she had to be joking.

“Nne, I’ve already said too much. I’ve made my decision, and nothing can change it. Right now, I’m trying to see what I can do about reviving my career, and I’m no longer starving myself to be a size 12 for anybody. My children are big, and it’s time for me to look out for myself.”

Her words resonated deeply with me, long after the call was over. It made me think of the things I had given up myself. JJ had played a major role in my decision to leave a great career in banking. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was unconsciously living my life just to please him…and if I had lost myself somewhere along the way.

And as for the womanizing….

Hmmm…that was a different kettle of fish altogether!

 

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Photo Credit

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Catch up on Ihunna’s story here:

  1. Confessions of a Fat Girl 1: Grubbido
  2. Confessions of a Fat Girl 2: Fragile
  3. Confessions of a Fat Girl 3: Defiant
  4. Confessions of a Fat Girl 4: Progress
  5. Confessions of a Fat Girl 5: The Gym
  6. Confessions of a Fat Girl 6: Killjoy
  7. Confessions of a Fat Girl 7: Pain
  8. Confessions of a Fat Girl 8: Frenemies
  9. Confessions of a Fat Girl 9: Exhilarated
  10. Confessions of a Fat Girl 10: Popcorn
  11. Confessions of a Fat Girl 11: Free-fall
  12. Confessions of a Fat Girl 12: Sunday Morning
  13. Confessions of a Fat Girl 13: Mission Reactivated
  14. Confessions of a Fat Girl 14: New Things
  15. Confessions of a Fat Girl 15: Bad Business
  16. Confessions of a Fat Girl 16: Luxury Items
  17. Confessions of a Fat Girl 17: The Solution
  18. Confessions of a Fat Girl 18: Magic Formula
  19. Confessions of a Fat Girl 19: Date Night
  20. Confessions of a Fat Girl 20: Quinoa
  21. Confessions of a Fat Girl 21: Perfect Fit
  22. Confessions of a Fat Girl 22: Keeping In Touch
  23. Confessions of a Fat Girl 23: Delete
  24. Confessions of a Fat Girl 24: Philosophical
  25. Confessions of a Fat Girl 25: Keep it Moving
  26. Confessions of a Fat Girl 26: My Co-Wife
  27. Confessions of a Fat Girl 27: Old Jeans & Old Friends
  28. Confessions of a Fat Girl 28: Prawn Stir Fry
  29. Confessions of a Fat Girl 29: Facebook Tagging
  30. Confessions of a Fat Girl 30: Detox Part 2
  31. Confessions of a Fat Girl 31: Abs & Crunches
  32. Confessions of a Fat Girl 32: Making Notes
  33. Confessions of a Fat Girl 33: Christmas Party
  34. Confessions of a Fat Girl 34: Ashiedu
  35. Confessions of a Fat Girl 35: Willpower
  36. Confessions of a Fat Girl 36: Packing…and TV
  37. Confessions of a Fat Girl 37: Last Minute
  38. Confessions of a Fat Girl 38: Body Image
  39. Confessions of a Fat Girl 39: Christmas Trip
  40. Confessions of a Fat Girl 40: Christmas in the Village
  41. Confessions of a Fat Girl 41: Daddy’s Girl
  42. Confessions of a Fat Girl 42: 2010
  43. Confessions of a Fat Girl 43: Uzoamaka
  44. Confessions of a Fat Girl 44: Sugar Binge
  45. Confessions of a Fat Girl 45: The E-mail
  46. Confessions of a Fat Girl 46: She whose name must not be repeated
  47. Confessions of a Fat Girl 47: Smokescreen
  48. Confessions of a Fat Girl 48: Running away
  49. Confessions of a Fat Girl 49: Fry-Up
  50. Confessions of a Fat Girl 50: The Only Solution
  51. Confessions of a Fat Girl 51: The Intervention
  52. Confessions of a Fat Girl 52: Tri-State Sisters
  53. Confessions of a Fat Girl 53: Manhattan
  54. Confessions of a Fat Girl 54: Daddy’s Girls
  55. Confessions of a Fat Girl 55: Stunned Silence
  56. Confessions of a Fat Girl 56: Bereavement
  57. Confessions of a Fat Girl 57: The Reconciliation
  58. Confessions of a Fat Girl 58: Staying Back
  59. Confessions of a Fat Girl 59: Friends & Marriage Proposals
  60. Confessions of a Fat Girl 60: Colourful and Happy
  61. Confessions of a Fat Girl 61: Sweet Potato & Chicken Salad
  62. Confessions of a Fat Girl 62: Miss Amerikana
  63. Confessions of a Fat Girl 63: Tragi-Romantic
  64. Confessions of a Fat Girl 64: Dead to me
  65. Confessions of a Fat Girl 65: Love Triangle
  66. Confessions of a Fat Girl 66: Forever my lady
  67. Confessions of a Fat Girl 67: Fight to the death
  68. Confessions of a Fat Girl 68: Hard choice to make
  69. Confessions of a Fat Girl 69: Back to reality
  70. Confessions of a Fat Girl 70: Life Reflections
  71. Confessions of a Fat Girl 71: Oatmeal, Blueberry & Banana Pancakes
  72. Confessions of a Fat Girl 72: The Engagement
  73. Confessions of a Fat Girl 73: Pillow Talk
  74. Confessions of a Fat Girl 74: Secretive Sister
  75. Confessions of a Fat Girl 75: Homemade Soup
  76. Confessions of a Fat Girl 76: Nna Men!
  77. Confessions of a Fat Girl 77: Comfort Food…Healthy Food
  78. Confessions of a Fat Girl 78: Miracle Working God
  79. Confessions of a Fat Girl 79: Lumps, Bumps and Jiggles
  80. Confessions of a Fat Girl 80: Oyibo Boyfriend
  81. Confessions of a Fat Girl 81: Wedding Gowns 
  82. Confessions of a Fat Girl 82: My New Friend
  83. Confessions of a Fat Girl 83: Emotional vs Physical Hunger
  84. Confessions of a Fat Girl 84: Look like an Mgbeke
  85. Confessions of a Fat Girl 85: Food Cravings
  86. Confessions of a Fat Girl 86: Who am I?
  87. Confessions of a Fat Girl 87: Separation, Counselling…Divorce
  88. Confessions of a Fat Girl 88: A Man’s World
  89. Confessions of a Fat Girl 89: Envy, Weight and Love!
  90. Confessions of a Fat Girl 90: Regret
  91. Confessions of a Fat Girl 91: Time to move on
  92. Confessions of a Fat Girl 92: Have some fruit!
  93. Confessions of a Fat Girl 93: Family Easter
  94. Confessions of a Fat Girl 94: Sister Reunion
  95. Confessions of a Fat Girl 95: Perfect Fit; Perfect Surprise
  96. Confessions of a Fat Girl 96: The Love Story
  97. Confessions of a Fat Girl 97: Caught in the middle
  98. Confessions of a Fat Girl 98: Kisses…and Blood
  99. Confessions of a Fat Girl 99: Past…or Present Tense
  100. Confessions of a Fat Girl 100: Jewel
  101. Confessions of a Fat Girl 101: “Ill find you…and I’ll kill you”
  102. Confessions of a Fat Girl 102: Homecoming
  103. Confessions of a Fat Girl 103: Fever Pitch
  104. Confessions of a Fat Girl 104: Whodunit?
  105. Confessions of a Fat Girl 105: The Hypocrite
  106. Confessions of a Fat Girl 106: Message from Mom
  107. Confessions of a Fat Girl 107: Accountability & Responsibility
  108. Confessions of a Fat Girl 108: It’s for the best
  109. Confessions of a Fat Girl 109: Port Harcourt
  110. Confessions of a Fat Girl 110: While you were away
  111. Confessions of a Fat Girl 111: Planning…and a little bit of Salmon
  112. Confessions of a Fat Girl 112: Putting yourself first
  113. Confessions of a Fat Girl 113: Fruit Crumble
  114. Confessions of a Fat Girl 114: Resting Heart Rate
  115. Confessions of a Fat Girl 115: Shishi, he no get
  116. Confessions of a Fat Girl 116: The truth hurts
  117. Confessions of a Fat Girl 117: Veggie Burger
  118. Confessions of a Fat Girl 118: Weight Watchers Porn
  119. Confessions of a Fat Girl 119: The Worst That Can Happen
  120. Confessions of a Fat Girl 120: Baby Dady
  121. Confessions of a Fat Girl 121: Not a Player
  122. Confessions of a Fat Girl 122: Fat versus Fit Brain
  123. Confessions of a Fat Girl 123: Aunty Caroline
  124. Confessions of a Fat Girl 124: Delete his number
  125. Confessions of a Fat Girl 125: Meal Planning
  126. Confessions of a Fat Girl 126: Food Shopping
  127. Confessions of a Fat Girl 127: The Baby Bump
  128. Confessions of a Fat Girl 128: Cavorting, Prevention & Spunk
  129. Confessions of a Fat Girl 129: The secret is out
  130. Confessions of a Fat Girl 130: Postpone the inevitable
  131. Confessions of a Fat Girl 131: Queen of Wishful Thinking
  132. Confessions of a Fat Girl 132: Fat Prison
  133. Confessions of a Fat Girl 133: Some time away
  134. Confessions of a Fat Girl 134: Taking life too seriously
  135. Confessions of a Fat Girl 135: Is this really me?
  136. Confessions of a Fat Girl 136: Soothing
  137. Confessions of a Fat Girl 137: Welcome to the real world
  138. Confessions of a Fat Girl 138: The Storm
  139. Confessions of a Fat Girl 139: Head up!
  140. Confessions of a Fat Girl 140: Half-Year Check
  141. Confessions of a Fat Girl 141: Leave him for his wife
  142. Confessions of a Fat Girl 142: The Plan
  143. Confessions of a Fat Girl 143: Leave of Absence
  144. Confessions of a Fat Girl 144: A Convenient Life
  145. Confessions of a Fat Girl 145: Sensible Snacking
  146. Confessions of a Fat Girl 146: Choices
  147. Confessions of a Fat Girl 147: Probing Questions
  148. Confessions of a Fat Girl 148: Travel Arrangements
  149. Confessions of a Fat Girl 149: The best feeling ever
  150. Confessions of a Fat Girl 150: Not happy
  151. Confessions of a Fat Girl 151: Still Married
  152. Confessions of a Fat Girl 152: Heartbreak
  153. Confessions of a Fat Girl 153: You complete me
  154. Confessions of a Fat Girl 154: Make it work
  155. Confessions of a Fat Girl 155: Love Weight
  156. Confessions of a Fat Girl 156: Pretty Girl
  157. Confessions of a Fat Girl 157: Juice Fast Prep
  158. Confessions of a Fat Girl 158: Better this way
  159. Confessions of a Fat Girl 159: Eat the doughnut
  160. Confessions of a Fat Girl 160: The Stroke
  161. Confessions of a Fat Girl 161: The Hardest Part
  162. Confessions of a Fat Girl 162: Blame Game
  163. Confessions of a Fat Girl 163: A Cerebral Affair
  164. Confessions of a Fat Girl 164: An Epiphany
  165. Confessions of a Fat Girl 165: Regret…Healing
  166. Confessions of a Fat Girl 166: The Old Man’s Talisman
  167. Confessions of a Fat Girl 167: Party in the mouth
  168. Confessions of a Fat Girl 168: The last piece of the puzzle
  169. Confessions of a Fat Girl 169: Ogonna’s Plan
  170. Confessions of a Fat Girl 170: Casual Bystander
  171. Confessions of a Fat Girl 171: My own two eyes 
  172. Confessions of a Fat Girl 172: Leading Lady
  173. Confessions of a Fat Girl 173: Longtime Boyfriend
  174. Confessions of a Fat Girl 174: Bone Dry
  175. Confessions of a Fat Girl 175: Divorcing

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2 COMMENTS

  1. Girl, love yourself, live your life. I remind myself over and over, DO ME!! DO YOU!!!!
    And as for the womanising, its a generalization don’t worry your head about that.

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