Confessions of a Fat Girl 135: Is This Really Me?

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June 22nd, 2010

Wow! So, this is what it feels like! I never knew it would be possible for a person who was used to eating a huge number of calories from emotional overeating to be satisfied on about 1600 calories a day?

Is this really me?!

Although I’ve been learning how to eat more slowly and pay attention to my body signals before, during and after eating, I tend to rely more on portion control. But I had an epiphany yesterday evening. After being angered out of my mind by Chidera, I settled in to eat a plate of grilled fish, salad and a glass of water. I soon started to feel full, and was shocked to realise I still had about a quarter of a portion left on my plate. This was a big breakthrough for me.

After years of abusing food, my stomach got stretched out. Of course, it was from eating for emotional reasons rather than when I felt physically hungry, eating double portions at every meal and still having a rich dessert or huge bowl of ice cream, and eating lots of processed snacks between meals. This stretched out stomach condition caused me to break so many diets over the years. I would be so hungry living on just a very small number of calories a day. Willpower can only get a person so far before you cave and find yourself in the nearest fast food joint, demanding for everything they have.

My strategy this time was to make gradual changes to my behavior (dealing with emotional issues in a non-food way), and the way I cooked and ate. By focusing on my health rather than counting calories, and by gradually reducing portion sizes I gave my stomach adequate time to get back to it’s normal size. I only knew what it felt like to be “emotionally hungry” or so “totally stuffed that I couldn’t move”. These gradual changes taught me the real meaning of hungry, being satisfied and appropriately full. It’s an amazing feeling to have your body and mind connected.

When I was living the life of a fat, unhealthy person, it was all about avoidance and denial. I never listened to my body. I only listened to that pleasure center of my brain that wanted to live on an endless stream of sweets, chocolates and French fries. I was completely disconnected. Rather than face my feelings and deal with them in a healthy way, I only wanted to be on a constant sugar high.

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Over the past year, I’ve learned what my body really needs to be healthy and vibrant. I have realised that it’s not selfish to take the time to put your health first and get to know your body again. I now regard my body is an amazing machine, which if I treat with respect will take me anywhere I want to go.

Anyway, that was my early morning meditation. I decided to focus on something else, lest this Chidera’s drama drives me insane. After dropping the kids in school, I asked Legachi to drive the car back home so that I could take a much needed walk in the estate. I just didn’t feel in the mood for the regimented gym workout.

While walking, something rather interesting dawned on me. I realized that with each walk and workout, I hate exercise a little bit less and start to find the joy in it a bit more. I’ve decided to embrace that joy. Watching my fitness increase has been pretty great; my legs are getting faster, my arms and my core are getting stronger. I can even wear high-heeled shoes now because my balance has improved so much through strength training. That’s a huge deal for someone as clumsy as me, who in the past would risk a broken ankle if the shoe was more than an inch off the ground. That’s reason enough for me to carry on.

Getting back home, I finally got to work on my store inventory, and also had a long phone call with Ezioma about our first fun fair happening in a couple of weeks. When Chidera got back home, I’m sure she was surprised that I didn’t harass her. What she said yesterday really hit home. Why will I be drinking Panadol, when the person with the headache is there dancing makosa?!

Shebi I take life too seriously abi? She will see how chill I can be!

 

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Catch up on Ihunna’s story here:

  1. Confessions of a Fat Girl 1: Grubbido
  2. Confessions of a Fat Girl 2: Fragile
  3. Confessions of a Fat Girl 3: Defiant
  4. Confessions of a Fat Girl 4: Progress
  5. Confessions of a Fat Girl 5: The Gym
  6. Confessions of a Fat Girl 6: Killjoy
  7. Confessions of a Fat Girl 7: Pain
  8. Confessions of a Fat Girl 8: Frenemies
  9. Confessions of a Fat Girl 9: Exhilarated
  10. Confessions of a Fat Girl 10: Popcorn
  11. Confessions of a Fat Girl 11: Free-fall
  12. Confessions of a Fat Girl 12: Sunday Morning
  13. Confessions of a Fat Girl 13: Mission Reactivated
  14. Confessions of a Fat Girl 14: New Things
  15. Confessions of a Fat Girl 15: Bad Business
  16. Confessions of a Fat Girl 16: Luxury Items
  17. Confessions of a Fat Girl 17: The Solution
  18. Confessions of a Fat Girl 18: Magic Formula
  19. Confessions of a Fat Girl 19: Date Night
  20. Confessions of a Fat Girl 20: Quinoa
  21. Confessions of a Fat Girl 21: Perfect Fit
  22. Confessions of a Fat Girl 22: Keeping In Touch
  23. Confessions of a Fat Girl 23: Delete
  24. Confessions of a Fat Girl 24: Philosophical
  25. Confessions of a Fat Girl 25: Keep it Moving
  26. Confessions of a Fat Girl 26: My Co-Wife
  27. Confessions of a Fat Girl 27: Old Jeans & Old Friends
  28. Confessions of a Fat Girl 28: Prawn Stir Fry
  29. Confessions of a Fat Girl 29: Facebook Tagging
  30. Confessions of a Fat Girl 30: Detox Part 2
  31. Confessions of a Fat Girl 31: Abs & Crunches
  32. Confessions of a Fat Girl 32: Making Notes
  33. Confessions of a Fat Girl 33: Christmas Party
  34. Confessions of a Fat Girl 34: Ashiedu
  35. Confessions of a Fat Girl 35: Willpower
  36. Confessions of a Fat Girl 36: Packing…and TV
  37. Confessions of a Fat Girl 37: Last Minute
  38. Confessions of a Fat Girl 38: Body Image
  39. Confessions of a Fat Girl 39: Christmas Trip
  40. Confessions of a Fat Girl 40: Christmas in the Village
  41. Confessions of a Fat Girl 41: Daddy’s Girl
  42. Confessions of a Fat Girl 42: 2010
  43. Confessions of a Fat Girl 43: Uzoamaka
  44. Confessions of a Fat Girl 44: Sugar Binge
  45. Confessions of a Fat Girl 45: The E-mail
  46. Confessions of a Fat Girl 46: She whose name must not be repeated
  47. Confessions of a Fat Girl 47: Smokescreen
  48. Confessions of a Fat Girl 48: Running away
  49. Confessions of a Fat Girl 49: Fry-Up
  50. Confessions of a Fat Girl 50: The Only Solution
  51. Confessions of a Fat Girl 51: The Intervention
  52. Confessions of a Fat Girl 52: Tri-State Sisters
  53. Confessions of a Fat Girl 53: Manhattan
  54. Confessions of a Fat Girl 54: Daddy’s Girls
  55. Confessions of a Fat Girl 55: Stunned Silence
  56. Confessions of a Fat Girl 56: Bereavement
  57. Confessions of a Fat Girl 57: The Reconciliation
  58. Confessions of a Fat Girl 58: Staying Back
  59. Confessions of a Fat Girl 59: Friends & Marriage Proposals
  60. Confessions of a Fat Girl 60: Colourful and Happy
  61. Confessions of a Fat Girl 61: Sweet Potato & Chicken Salad
  62. Confessions of a Fat Girl 62: Miss Amerikana
  63. Confessions of a Fat Girl 63: Tragi-Romantic
  64. Confessions of a Fat Girl 64: Dead to me
  65. Confessions of a Fat Girl 65: Love Triangle
  66. Confessions of a Fat Girl 66: Forever my lady
  67. Confessions of a Fat Girl 67: Fight to the death
  68. Confessions of a Fat Girl 68: Hard choice to make
  69. Confessions of a Fat Girl 69: Back to reality
  70. Confessions of a Fat Girl 70: Life Reflections
  71. Confessions of a Fat Girl 71: Oatmeal, Blueberry & Banana Pancakes
  72. Confessions of a Fat Girl 72: The Engagement
  73. Confessions of a Fat Girl 73: Pillow Talk
  74. Confessions of a Fat Girl 74: Secretive Sister
  75. Confessions of a Fat Girl 75: Homemade Soup
  76. Confessions of a Fat Girl 76: Nna Men!
  77. Confessions of a Fat Girl 77: Comfort Food…Healthy Food
  78. Confessions of a Fat Girl 78: Miracle Working God
  79. Confessions of a Fat Girl 79: Lumps, Bumps and Jiggles
  80. Confessions of a Fat Girl 80: Oyibo Boyfriend
  81. Confessions of a Fat Girl 81: Wedding Gowns 
  82. Confessions of a Fat Girl 82: My New Friend
  83. Confessions of a Fat Girl 83: Emotional vs Physical Hunger
  84. Confessions of a Fat Girl 84: Look like an Mgbeke
  85. Confessions of a Fat Girl 85: Food Cravings
  86. Confessions of a Fat Girl 86: Who am I?
  87. Confessions of a Fat Girl 87: Separation, Counselling…Divorce
  88. Confessions of a Fat Girl 88: A Man’s World
  89. Confessions of a Fat Girl 89: Envy, Weight and Love!
  90. Confessions of a Fat Girl 90: Regret
  91. Confessions of a Fat Girl 91: Time to move on
  92. Confessions of a Fat Girl 92: Have some fruit!
  93. Confessions of a Fat Girl 93: Family Easter
  94. Confessions of a Fat Girl 94: Sister Reunion
  95. Confessions of a Fat Girl 95: Perfect Fit; Perfect Surprise
  96. Confessions of a Fat Girl 96: The Love Story
  97. Confessions of a Fat Girl 97: Caught in the middle
  98. Confessions of a Fat Girl 98: Kisses…and Blood
  99. Confessions of a Fat Girl 99: Past…or Present Tense
  100. Confessions of a Fat Girl 100: Jewel
  101. Confessions of a Fat Girl 101: “Ill find you…and I’ll kill you”
  102. Confessions of a Fat Girl 102: Homecoming
  103. Confessions of a Fat Girl 103: Fever Pitch
  104. Confessions of a Fat Girl 104: Whodunit?
  105. Confessions of a Fat Girl 105: The Hypocrite
  106. Confessions of a Fat Girl 106: Message from Mom
  107. Confessions of a Fat Girl 107: Accountability & Responsibility
  108. Confessions of a Fat Girl 108: It’s for the best
  109. Confessions of a Fat Girl 109: Port Harcourt
  110. Confessions of a Fat Girl 110: While you were away
  111. Confessions of a Fat Girl 111: Planning…and a little bit of Salmon
  112. Confessions of a Fat Girl 112: Putting yourself first
  113. Confessions of a Fat Girl 113: Fruit Crumble
  114. Confessions of a Fat Girl 114: Resting Heart Rate
  115. Confessions of a Fat Girl 115: Shishi, he no get
  116. Confessions of a Fat Girl 116: The truth hurts
  117. Confessions of a Fat Girl 117: Veggie Burger
  118. Confessions of a Fat Girl 118: Weight Watchers Porn
  119. Confessions of a Fat Girl 119: The Worst That Can Happen
  120. Confessions of a Fat Girl 120: Baby Dady
  121. Confessions of a Fat Girl 121: Not a Player
  122. Confessions of a Fat Girl 122: Fat versus Fit Brain
  123. Confessions of a Fat Girl 123: Aunty Caroline
  124. Confessions of a Fat Girl 124: Delete his number
  125. Confessions of a Fat Girl 125: Meal Planning
  126. Confessions of a Fat Girl 126: Food Shopping
  127. Confessions of a Fat Girl 127: The Baby Bump
  128. Confessions of a Fat Girl 128: Cavorting, Prevention & Spunk
  129. Confessions of a Fat Girl 129: The secret is out
  130. Confessions of a Fat Girl 130: Postpone the inevitable
  131. Confessions of a Fat Girl 131: Queen of Wishful Thinking
  132. Confessions of a Fat Girl 132: Fat Prison
  133. Confessions of a Fat Girl 133: Some time away
  134. Confessions of a Fat Girl 134: Taking life too seriously

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