Confessions of a Fat Girl 115: Shishi, he no get!

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19th May, 2010

Getting home from the gym, I decided to call Loretta, my exercise buddy, to check on her.

“Ah! Ihunna, you’re back?” came her tired voice.

“We’ve been back for a while…” I answered, then worry made me add “Are you okay?”

She sighed deeply. “My dear, you don’t want to know! So much has been going on with me…Can I come to your house now?”

I was momentarily shocked by the offer, before quickly regrouping. “Of course you can. Just give me about an hour to shower and get ready, okay?”

In exactly 50 minutes, she had arrived my house. I have to admit being a little surprised by her eagerness to see me. Yes, we had hit it off, but it’s not like we had become the best of pals all of a sudden.

As we embraced, I noticed she was a lot leaner than I remembered, and her complexion didn’t look quite as radiant.

“Nne, it has been rough!” she said, with a dramatic shake of her head, as she sat down. “I had actually made plans to attend your sister’s wedding when my husband fell ill!”

“I thought you were divorced.” I couldn’t help but remark.

“Separated. Remember, I told you we haven’t divorced yet. We just no longer live together,” she reminded me.

“I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope it’s nothing serious.”

Another deep sigh. “It was a mild stroke oh, Nne! He had to be admitted for almost a month!”

“Oh my goodness!” I exclaimed “I’m so sorry about that! Is he better now?”

“He is oh, thank God. At least physically…” another deep sigh “It was this illness that exposed the fact that man is BROKE! He has been borrowing from friends just to maintain the façade of his fake life, but shishi he no get!”

“Wow! Are you sure about that?” I had to ask.

She laughed bitterly. “It was when he fell ill that we realized there was no money to pay his hospital bill! Even to get N10k for drugs was war!”

“What about his new wife? The one you said he married after you left?”

Loretta laughed bitterly. “By the 3rd or 4th day, when it was clear that katakata had burst, the babe tear race oh! I am the one who has been paying the little I can, from my own small savings!”

“I’m so so sorry. That must have been hard for you.” I remarked.

She sighed again, and looked me square in the eyes. “I really hate to do this, considering we only just met, but I’m all out of options now. Before his illness, he had promised to pay my rent, and also send some money to the kids in school…I’m really in a fix.”

I squeezed her hand. “It’s okay, Nne. I can loan you some money. It’s no problem at all!”

Her face broke into a wide grin. “Thank you so so much! You are a blessing! Thank you so much!”

I reached for my cheque book. “How much do you need?”

“About 10 or 15, anyone you can afford.”

I looked up at her quizzically. “Thousand?”

“Ihunna stop playing games. Million now.”

I put down my cheque book, and started laughing. “Loretta, are you being serious, or are you joking?”

laugh-out-loud-clip-a-9Je1o8-clipart

She stared at me like I had grown a third head. “Did I say something funny?”

“Are you seriously asking for 10 or 15 million Naira, Loretta? Are you being serious?!”

“Ihunna, I just told you I need to pay my house rent, and that I need to send money to the kids in London. I also have a huge balance to offset with Reddington Hospital for my husband’s medical bill. How much do you think I would be asking for?”

“Loretta, the most I can afford to lend you is N100k, N200k at the very highest…and note that I send lend, not give.”

She stared at me, aghast, before laughing and shaking her head. “Me? N200k? Oh, Loretta! See what insult this useless man has made you receive!”

My brow raised. Insult ke?!

“So you mean to tell me you don’t have 10 million to lend me? Not even 5? You expect me to believe that, even with all of this?!” she said, gesturing around my living room.

By this time, I was done.

“Loretta, you can believe what you want to. I don’t have that kind of money to lend you.” I said, rising to my feet, relaying to her the message that her visit was over.

She shook her head again, and laughed to herself. “Chaiiii! Loretta! See your life!” she finally stood up, and grabbed her bag. “Daaalu o! Thank you, my ‘friend’. The Lord will provide me with what I need!”

Feeling bad, I offered an olive branch. “What about N500k? If I stretch, I can do that. Surely that should do something?”

If looks could kill, the lethal glance she cast my way would have murdered me a thousand times over.

“Ihunna, I think you have insulted me enough! Thank you for your… ‘help’!”

As she stormed out of my house, I was stunned speechless for a few minutes, before I regrouped and went to lock my door jeje!

I wish her luck getting her 15 million!

 

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Photo Credit

  1. http://www.clipartkid.com

 

Catch up on Ihunna’s story here:

  1. Confessions of a Fat Girl 1: Grubbido
  2. Confessions of a Fat Girl 2: Fragile
  3. Confessions of a Fat Girl 3: Defiant
  4. Confessions of a Fat Girl 4: Progress
  5. Confessions of a Fat Girl 5: The Gym
  6. Confessions of a Fat Girl 6: Killjoy
  7. Confessions of a Fat Girl 7: Pain
  8. Confessions of a Fat Girl 8: Frenemies
  9. Confessions of a Fat Girl 9: Exhilarated
  10. Confessions of a Fat Girl 10: Popcorn
  11. Confessions of a Fat Girl 11: Free-fall
  12. Confessions of a Fat Girl 12: Sunday Morning
  13. Confessions of a Fat Girl 13: Mission Reactivated
  14. Confessions of a Fat Girl 14: New Things
  15. Confessions of a Fat Girl 15: Bad Business
  16. Confessions of a Fat Girl 16: Luxury Items
  17. Confessions of a Fat Girl 17: The Solution
  18. Confessions of a Fat Girl 18: Magic Formula
  19. Confessions of a Fat Girl 19: Date Night
  20. Confessions of a Fat Girl 20: Quinoa
  21. Confessions of a Fat Girl 21: Perfect Fit
  22. Confessions of a Fat Girl 22: Keeping In Touch
  23. Confessions of a Fat Girl 23: Delete
  24. Confessions of a Fat Girl 24: Philosophical
  25. Confessions of a Fat Girl 25: Keep it Moving
  26. Confessions of a Fat Girl 26: My Co-Wife
  27. Confessions of a Fat Girl 27: Old Jeans & Old Friends
  28. Confessions of a Fat Girl 28: Prawn Stir Fry
  29. Confessions of a Fat Girl 29: Facebook Tagging
  30. Confessions of a Fat Girl 30: Detox Part 2
  31. Confessions of a Fat Girl 31: Abs & Crunches
  32. Confessions of a Fat Girl 32: Making Notes
  33. Confessions of a Fat Girl 33: Christmas Party
  34. Confessions of a Fat Girl 34: Ashiedu
  35. Confessions of a Fat Girl 35: Willpower
  36. Confessions of a Fat Girl 36: Packing…and TV
  37. Confessions of a Fat Girl 37: Last Minute
  38. Confessions of a Fat Girl 38: Body Image
  39. Confessions of a Fat Girl 39: Christmas Trip
  40. Confessions of a Fat Girl 40: Christmas in the Village
  41. Confessions of a Fat Girl 41: Daddy’s Girl
  42. Confessions of a Fat Girl 42: 2010
  43. Confessions of a Fat Girl 43: Uzoamaka
  44. Confessions of a Fat Girl 44: Sugar Binge
  45. Confessions of a Fat Girl 45: The E-mail
  46. Confessions of a Fat Girl 46: She whose name must not be repeated
  47. Confessions of a Fat Girl 47: Smokescreen
  48. Confessions of a Fat Girl 48: Running away
  49. Confessions of a Fat Girl 49: Fry-Up
  50. Confessions of a Fat Girl 50: The Only Solution
  51. Confessions of a Fat Girl 51: The Intervention
  52. Confessions of a Fat Girl 52: Tri-State Sisters
  53. Confessions of a Fat Girl 53: Manhattan
  54. Confessions of a Fat Girl 54: Daddy’s Girls
  55. Confessions of a Fat Girl 55: Stunned Silence
  56. Confessions of a Fat Girl 56: Bereavement
  57. Confessions of a Fat Girl 57: The Reconciliation
  58. Confessions of a Fat Girl 58: Staying Back
  59. Confessions of a Fat Girl 59: Friends & Marriage Proposals
  60. Confessions of a Fat Girl 60: Colourful and Happy
  61. Confessions of a Fat Girl 61: Sweet Potato & Chicken Salad
  62. Confessions of a Fat Girl 62: Miss Amerikana
  63. Confessions of a Fat Girl 63: Tragi-Romantic
  64. Confessions of a Fat Girl 64: Dead to me
  65. Confessions of a Fat Girl 65: Love Triangle
  66. Confessions of a Fat Girl 66: Forever my lady
  67. Confessions of a Fat Girl 67: Fight to the death
  68. Confessions of a Fat Girl 68: Hard choice to make
  69. Confessions of a Fat Girl 69: Back to reality
  70. Confessions of a Fat Girl 70: Life Reflections
  71. Confessions of a Fat Girl 71: Oatmeal, Blueberry & Banana Pancakes
  72. Confessions of a Fat Girl 72: The Engagement
  73. Confessions of a Fat Girl 73: Pillow Talk
  74. Confessions of a Fat Girl 74: Secretive Sister
  75. Confessions of a Fat Girl 75: Homemade Soup
  76. Confessions of a Fat Girl 76: Nna Men!
  77. Confessions of a Fat Girl 77: Comfort Food…Healthy Food
  78. Confessions of a Fat Girl 78: Miracle Working God
  79. Confessions of a Fat Girl 79: Lumps, Bumps and Jiggles
  80. Confessions of a Fat Girl 80: Oyibo Boyfriend
  81. Confessions of a Fat Girl 81: Wedding Gowns 
  82. Confessions of a Fat Girl 82: My New Friend
  83. Confessions of a Fat Girl 83: Emotional vs Physical Hunger
  84. Confessions of a Fat Girl 84: Look like an Mgbeke
  85. Confessions of a Fat Girl 85: Food Cravings
  86. Confessions of a Fat Girl 86: Who am I?
  87. Confessions of a Fat Girl 87: Separation, Counselling…Divorce
  88. Confessions of a Fat Girl 88: A Man’s World
  89. Confessions of a Fat Girl 89: Envy, Weight and Love!
  90. Confessions of a Fat Girl 90: Regret
  91. Confessions of a Fat Girl 91: Time to move on
  92. Confessions of a Fat Girl 92: Have some fruit!
  93. Confessions of a Fat Girl 93: Family Easter
  94. Confessions of a Fat Girl 94: Sister Reunion
  95. Confessions of a Fat Girl 95: Perfect Fit; Perfect Surprise
  96. Confessions of a Fat Girl 96: The Love Story
  97. Confessions of a Fat Girl 97: Caught in the middle
  98. Confessions of a Fat Girl 98: Kisses…and Blood
  99. Confessions of a Fat Girl 99: Past…or Present Tense
  100. Confessions of a Fat Girl 100: Jewel
  101. Confessions of a Fat Girl 101: “Ill find you…and I’ll kill you”
  102. Confessions of a Fat Girl 102: Homecoming
  103. Confessions of a Fat Girl 103: Fever Pitch
  104. Confessions of a Fat Girl 104: Whodunit?
  105. Confessions of a Fat Girl 105: The Hypocrite
  106. Confessions of a Fat Girl 106: Message from Mom
  107. Confessions of a Fat Girl 107: Accountability & Responsibility
  108. Confessions of a Fat Girl 108: It’s for the best
  109. Confessions of a Fat Girl 109: Port Harcourt
  110. Confessions of a Fat Girl 110: While you were away
  111. Confessions of a Fat Girl 111: Planning…and a little bit of Salmon
  112. Confessions of a Fat Girl 112: Putting yourself first
  113. Confessions of a Fat Girl 113: Fruit Crumble
  114. Confessions of a Fat Girl 114: Resting Heart Rate

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