Confessions of a Fat Girl 104: Whodunit!

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1st May, 2010

Ifeanyi brought Ogonna back home before noon, as we had appointments with the nail technician and hairdresser on Friday afternoon, all in preparation for the big wedding on Saturday.

Before she had come, Akwaugo and I spent the morning scrutinizing our younger sister, Legachi. As she’d also spent a few nights in the guest room with us, she might also have been the person behind that positive pregnancy test strip.

“Chai! I’m sure she’s the one! Look at how she’s yawning!” Akwaugo had remarked.

“Nne, I don’t think a pregnant woman will have strength to scrub like that oh!” the same Akwaugo had remarked, as Legachi led the cleaning team of women trying to get the house back to decent condition, after hosting yesterday’s mammoth crowd.

The truth is, there was no way to confirm whether or not it was her, and when Ogonna arrived, the confusion even doubled. It was the perfect ‘whodunit’!

“Ihunna! Can you see how her complexion is shining? I’m sure she’s the one!” Akwaugo leaned and whispered, as a glowing Ogonna chatted with well-wishers.

And another time, the same Akwaugo whispered. “But bia! The mathematics doesn’t add up oh! Considering when Ifeanyi left for Nigeria, she wouldn’t just be missing her period now! I’m sure she’s not the one!”

And when we were at the nail studio, Akwaugo again whispered. “Ihunna, see, see, see oh! Is that a bulge in her stomach?!”

By this time, even the Akwaugo was beginning to get on my last nerve! How was I supposed to know the pregnancy test wasn’t hers sef!

Thankfully, by the time we got home, Chiemela was there to distract her, and we were all able to focus on preparing for the festivities of the next day.

This morning, Saturday, we had all awoken with the excitement of what lay ahead; the wedding of our older sister, and my father’s first born. As the house was wild with frantic last minute preparations, my sister, Ogonna, was as cool as a cucumber. She wafted around the house, happily humming her favourite songs, and was like a perfect little sailboat, gliding peacefully in the stormy ocean, despite a raging storm. Even when the makeup artist painted her face like a masquerade, Ogonna had gently wiped it off, and reapplied it herself, whilst smiling and humming, and leaving the rest of us to descend on the hapless makeup artist. But even with the self-applied makeup, she looked like a dream, and when our father lay eyes on her, he actually started crying. Our hard as nails Dad, reduced to mush, at the sight of his beloved daughter as a gorgeous bride.

Somehow, we managed it to Church in good time, and the ceremony was beautiful. When Ogonna and Ifeanyi were exchanging their vows, I noticed quite a few hands dabbing their eyes. Ogonna’s Fair Lawn crew, especially her partner Susan, were literally in tears, the same as her other friends. I guess it was emotional for everyone that this woman with a heart of gold, had finally found love at the age of almost 44! But the chief crier? Ifeanyi oh! His voice trembled as he said his vows, and even though there were no actual tears, brother man’s eyes were bloodshot red. His emotions were raw, and we could all feel it. It was, without a doubt, the most emotional wedding ceremony I have ever attended!

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Getting to the reception venue, I actually gasped when I saw what marvels the decorator had done to the place. She had transformed the hall into something out of an episode of Whose Wedding is it anyway?. Her play of lights and flowers was stunning, and the place looked…magical! And from the look on Ogonna’s face, I could tell she was very happy indeed!

The ceremony went so much better than I’d thought it would. Everything worked like clockwork…everything was on point! I watched as Legachi sprinted back and forth the room, coordinating vendors, and I had to doff my hat to her. She, and Ogonna’s friends, had pulled together an amazing party.

And gosh, did we dance or what?! After the typical old school high-life music, the DJ had thrilled with more contemporary Naija jams, and even our Dad had gotten into the groove of things. Watching my father dance to P-Square was something I never thought I would see in this lifetime. And seeing my kids try to show the old man the right way to dance to Wande Coal‘s new album, just gladdened my heart.

By 8pm, we drove back to my father’s house, for Ogonna to change into her evening outfit, and wait to be picked up by Ifeanyi’s family. As we got her out of her dress, and ourselves out of our own frocks, the room was full of giggles, as we reminisced about what a wonderful, and successful, day it had been.

But when we saw Ogonna reach for a sanitary towel, Akwaugo and I exchanged a glance.

“Can you just imagine this foolish period of mine?!” Ogonna said, having noticed the look Akwaugo and I exchanged. “Trying to spoil my show, tonight of all nights!”

“But Sister Ogonna, didn’t you calculate your cycle before you fixed your date?” Legachi asked, perplexed.

“Don’t mind your silly sister oh!” Ogonna exclaimed. “I was too excited, that all I wanted to do was pick the earliest date possible!”

“Don’t worry. You and Uncle can still find other ways tonight!” Legachi giggled, with Ogonna joining in.

“Biko mechu onu there!” Akwaugo retorted. “What should you know about what they can or can’t do tonight?! See as you have spoilt finish! Let’s see how you will tell your father that you are pregnant!”

“Chi’m oh!” Legachi exclaimed. “Pregnant??! Which pregnant? Who is pregnant?! Not me oh!!!”

“Legachi is a virgin, Akwaugo!” Ogonna interjected. “Where did you get that kind of preposterous idea?!”

Okay, at this point, even I was confused. If Ogonna was on her period, and Legachi is still a virgin, and it wasn’t Akwaugo, and it sure as heck wasn’t me…

As one, we all turned to the person who had been quiet the whole time.

“Chidera?!” I part gasped, part exclaimed.

And my cousin sat on the bed, her face in her hands, and started sobbing.

E don happen!

 

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Photo Credit

  1. http://www.watton.org

Catch up on Ihunna’s story here:

  1. Confessions of a Fat Girl 1: Grubbido
  2. Confessions of a Fat Girl 2: Fragile
  3. Confessions of a Fat Girl 3: Defiant
  4. Confessions of a Fat Girl 4: Progress
  5. Confessions of a Fat Girl 5: The Gym
  6. Confessions of a Fat Girl 6: Killjoy
  7. Confessions of a Fat Girl 7: Pain
  8. Confessions of a Fat Girl 8: Frenemies
  9. Confessions of a Fat Girl 9: Exhilarated
  10. Confessions of a Fat Girl 10: Popcorn
  11. Confessions of a Fat Girl 11: Free-fall
  12. Confessions of a Fat Girl 12: Sunday Morning
  13. Confessions of a Fat Girl 13: Mission Reactivated
  14. Confessions of a Fat Girl 14: New Things
  15. Confessions of a Fat Girl 15: Bad Business
  16. Confessions of a Fat Girl 16: Luxury Items
  17. Confessions of a Fat Girl 17: The Solution
  18. Confessions of a Fat Girl 18: Magic Formula
  19. Confessions of a Fat Girl 19: Date Night
  20. Confessions of a Fat Girl 20: Quinoa
  21. Confessions of a Fat Girl 21: Perfect Fit
  22. Confessions of a Fat Girl 22: Keeping In Touch
  23. Confessions of a Fat Girl 23: Delete
  24. Confessions of a Fat Girl 24: Philosophical
  25. Confessions of a Fat Girl 25: Keep it Moving
  26. Confessions of a Fat Girl 26: My Co-Wife
  27. Confessions of a Fat Girl 27: Old Jeans & Old Friends
  28. Confessions of a Fat Girl 28: Prawn Stir Fry
  29. Confessions of a Fat Girl 29: Facebook Tagging
  30. Confessions of a Fat Girl 30: Detox Part 2
  31. Confessions of a Fat Girl 31: Abs & Crunches
  32. Confessions of a Fat Girl 32: Making Notes
  33. Confessions of a Fat Girl 33: Christmas Party
  34. Confessions of a Fat Girl 34: Ashiedu
  35. Confessions of a Fat Girl 35: Willpower
  36. Confessions of a Fat Girl 36: Packing…and TV
  37. Confessions of a Fat Girl 37: Last Minute
  38. Confessions of a Fat Girl 38: Body Image
  39. Confessions of a Fat Girl 39: Christmas Trip
  40. Confessions of a Fat Girl 40: Christmas in the Village
  41. Confessions of a Fat Girl 41: Daddy’s Girl
  42. Confessions of a Fat Girl 42: 2010
  43. Confessions of a Fat Girl 43: Uzoamaka
  44. Confessions of a Fat Girl 44: Sugar Binge
  45. Confessions of a Fat Girl 45: The E-mail
  46. Confessions of a Fat Girl 46: She whose name must not be repeated
  47. Confessions of a Fat Girl 47: Smokescreen
  48. Confessions of a Fat Girl 48: Running away
  49. Confessions of a Fat Girl 49: Fry-Up
  50. Confessions of a Fat Girl 50: The Only Solution
  51. Confessions of a Fat Girl 51: The Intervention
  52. Confessions of a Fat Girl 52: Tri-State Sisters
  53. Confessions of a Fat Girl 53: Manhattan
  54. Confessions of a Fat Girl 54: Daddy’s Girls
  55. Confessions of a Fat Girl 55: Stunned Silence
  56. Confessions of a Fat Girl 56: Bereavement
  57. Confessions of a Fat Girl 57: The Reconciliation
  58. Confessions of a Fat Girl 58: Staying Back
  59. Confessions of a Fat Girl 59: Friends & Marriage Proposals
  60. Confessions of a Fat Girl 60: Colourful and Happy
  61. Confessions of a Fat Girl 61: Sweet Potato & Chicken Salad
  62. Confessions of a Fat Girl 62: Miss Amerikana
  63. Confessions of a Fat Girl 63: Tragi-Romantic
  64. Confessions of a Fat Girl 64: Dead to me
  65. Confessions of a Fat Girl 65: Love Triangle
  66. Confessions of a Fat Girl 66: Forever my lady
  67. Confessions of a Fat Girl 67: Fight to the death
  68. Confessions of a Fat Girl 68: Hard choice to make
  69. Confessions of a Fat Girl 69: Back to reality
  70. Confessions of a Fat Girl 70: Life Reflections
  71. Confessions of a Fat Girl 71: Oatmeal, Blueberry & Banana Pancakes
  72. Confessions of a Fat Girl 72: The Engagement
  73. Confessions of a Fat Girl 73: Pillow Talk
  74. Confessions of a Fat Girl 74: Secretive Sister
  75. Confessions of a Fat Girl 75: Homemade Soup
  76. Confessions of a Fat Girl 76: Nna Men!
  77. Confessions of a Fat Girl 77: Comfort Food…Healthy Food
  78. Confessions of a Fat Girl 78: Miracle Working God
  79. Confessions of a Fat Girl 79: Lumps, Bumps and Jiggles
  80. Confessions of a Fat Girl 80: Oyibo Boyfriend
  81. Confessions of a Fat Girl 81: Wedding Gowns 
  82. Confessions of a Fat Girl 82: My New Friend
  83. Confessions of a Fat Girl 83: Emotional vs Physical Hunger
  84. Confessions of a Fat Girl 84: Look like an Mgbeke
  85. Confessions of a Fat Girl 85: Food Cravings
  86. Confessions of a Fat Girl 86: Who am I?
  87. Confessions of a Fat Girl 87: Separation, Counselling…Divorce
  88. Confessions of a Fat Girl 88: A Man’s World
  89. Confessions of a Fat Girl 89: Envy, Weight and Love!
  90. Confessions of a Fat Girl 90: Regret
  91. Confessions of a Fat Girl 91: Time to move on
  92. Confessions of a Fat Girl 92: Have some fruit!
  93. Confessions of a Fat Girl 93: Family Easter
  94. Confessions of a Fat Girl 94: Sister Reunion
  95. Confessions of a Fat Girl 95: Perfect Fit; Perfect Surprise
  96. Confessions of a Fat Girl 96: The Love Story
  97. Confessions of a Fat Girl 97: Caught in the middle
  98. Confessions of a Fat Girl 98: Kisses…and Blood
  99. Confessions of a Fat Girl 99: Past…or Present Tense
  100. Confessions of a Fat Girl 100: Jewel
  101. Confessions of a Fat Girl 101: “Ill find you…and I’ll kill you”
  102. Confessions of a Fat Girl 102: Homecoming
  103. Confessions of a Fat Girl 103: Fever Pitch

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