A Fresher’s IVF Journey 3: Holding on to HOPE!

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December 14th, 2010

So I start my shots in 2 days! I’m so excited…but also so nervous. I hope I’ll remember the nurse’s instructions, and administer the shots just as painlessly.

On a side note, I have had extreme ovulation pain for the last few days. Maybe it’s because of the birth control pills I was put on. I just can’t wait for January 10th though…by which time all this will be over, and I’ll hopefully get pregnant!

 

December 16th, 2010

I gave myself my first shot myself today!

I have to admit that I hesitated for a while, and momentarily wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to do it. But then, I remembered the reason behind all of it, and proceeded to happily stick that needle in. LOL! It wasn’t quite as painless as the tutorial, but it wasn’t too bad!

This morning, Toju told me he dreamt that he was playing with a baby girl, tickling her feet…and then woke up. He said he had such a euphoric feeling when he woke up, which was weird as he doesn’t remember his dreams. My heart fluttered listening to him, and seeing the look of pure, unadulterated joy in his eyes. It was my first time of seeing him enthusiastic about the process. Prior till then, he had simply been going through the motions, believing it was just something that needed to be done! But today, I could see that he wanted it too! And a little girl! Oh, wouldn’t that just be a dream! For the rest of the morning, I was daydreaming of my daughter, and how she would literally be my mini-me!

It was a mad rush at work today, with everyone trying to wind down their projects before the office shuts tomorrow. For my boss and I, it was even more mental! I haven’t told her that we decided to proceed with our IVF plans. Hopefully, I will find time to do so tomorrow, as, if I wait until the New Year, I will be only days to egg retrieval. Luckily, my colleague on maternity leave resumes in January, so I will at least have someone to hand over to.

I can’t believe Christmas is just 9 days away! My Mother is in town, taking care of my older sister who just had a baby, so I suspect that’s where we will have our Christmas lunch…because it is very unlikely that I will be doing any cooking. Luckily, over the years, my charming husband has been able to win over my siblings…and even my Mom. The only person who still treats him with disdain is my father…but I guess you can’t change 60 odd years of thinking a certain way.

But as much as my family loves him, they shouldn’t even hear that I am going through IVF, and not for any fault of mine. No, that won’t go down well at all! My siblings are by no means illiterate, and are exposed enough to understand that infertility can happen to any couple. But we are far too protective of each other to even condone the fact that anyone of us is going through any kind of stress. And IVF is no picnic! So, hard as it will be, I absolutely can not afford to tell my family.

And that sucks!

 

December 18th, 2010

I’ve been injecting for 2 days, and I am surprised by how calm I am. It is so unlike me! I’m an anxious person by nature, and was expecting to be a total nutcase by now! But no…I’ve been cool as a cucumber. And I’m actually worried about that…

Could it be that I’m beginning to emotionally detach from the process? I definitely hope not. I can’t quite put a finger on the emotions I have, to be honest. I’m neither happy, nor sad, nor worried, nor anything. Just blank.

On my way back from the market, I stopped by my other sister’s house…not the one who had a baby. Just to back track, of my 7 siblings, 4 are here in Lagos (three older sisters, and an older brother), 1 is in South Africa (my oldest brother), and the last 2 are in the UK (two younger brothers). My sister whom I visited this Saturday afternoon, Obehi, is only a year older than myself, and my best friend in the world.

As soon as our eyes met, when she opened the door, I could tell that she knew something was wrong with me…and it was as if somebody took the lid off the bucket of emotions I had been suppressing. She immediately embraced me, and I wept like a baby. As we sat in her kitchen, I poured out my heart to her, and told her e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g! And she listened to me…without judgement…without condemnation. As I talked, I sadly realized what I had been trying to suppress for so long…a deep seated resentment for my husband. I was angry that, even though he was the one with the problem, I was the one having to pay the physical price. When I voiced this, Obehi immediately silenced me. “No, Omon! You must not think that!!! You and your husband are in this together! You both have to fight this as a team…without blame or anger on anyone’s part!”. She then proceeded to counsel me about how critical it is for a couple to stand united, whatever the instance, giving examples of times she has had to defend her own husband, even when he didn’t deserve it. She has been married almost 10 years, so she knows what she’s talking about.

When I left her, I felt much better…and when I got home, for the first time in weeks, I wasn’t indifferent seeing my husband. I was happy…and hopeful that this nightmare will soon be over, and that we will soon have our family.

That is the hope that I choose to hold on to.

 

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Catch up on Omon’s story here:

  1. A Fresher’s IVF Journey 1: How it all began
  2. A Fresher’s iVF Journey 2: Fear and Paranoia

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