So I have been reading my old blog posts here and I realised I have become quite a gloomy chick. For someone’s whose blog mantra is ‘holding on to faith, meditating on the word and reaching out for the rainbow’, this seemingly evasive rainbow has pushed me to a new place I never thought I would be.
For a while, it seemed the more hopeful I became, the more curve balls life threw at me. This TTC life sapped my energy and my joy, I looked like I was carrying the world on my shoulders. You see, when I started this journey, like most of you, I was hoping to have a BFP the following month. Then that one month turned into two, then three, then four, my faith took a deep dip. Then I got another BFP only to lose that in just a couple of weeks. I learnt twice that a positive pregnancy test does not necessarily translate into ‘we are going to have a baby’ and that lesson is enough to make even the sun gloomy or so I thought.
TTC after a loss has been like taking a 10-kilometer walk for me. The beginning was quite easy. I armed myself with scripture and faith and hope to have a baby by my stillbirth anniversary. After a couple of kilometers, I began to feel the tiredness, the pain of not seeing the end in sight. I cried, wept and kept wondering when I would come to an end of this journey.
At the back of my mind was the nagging question, what exactly is the end? Is it when I have a baby in my arms? Do I know I have no total control over the baby, or the timings that baby will show up?
But as I walk this journey armed with not enough patience, a whole lot of distractions and exhaustion, a whole lot of pain and disappointment and very little faith, I remember something; everything that has a beginning has an end.
I will not be taking this 10- kilometer walk forever. If I take enough pauses whilst on this journey to take a drink and replenish my soul, very soon, by the time I realise, I will be four kilometers away, then three, then two, then one kilometer more to the end then THE END!
As I think of my TTC journey as a long walk, I realise that life itself is a journey. We get tired and wearied and thirsty especially if we decide to walk according to principles.
But before we realise it, we will just be a kilometre away.
We can choose to grumble and complain through this journey or smile at the storm and praise still knowing that our 10 kilometre will one day reduce to a kilometre and then to nothing at all. We will one day, evolve from TTCers to parents and that is another journey on its own.
This journey is hard, but a whole lot easier when done with faith. Faith in the knowledge that you have been equipped enough for this journey. You have what it takes to soldier on despite some very bad days you will face. Nothing can make you a shadow of what you are meant to be.
Soldier on sister, soldier on! And when it gets too hard, find a shoulder to lean on, an arm to hold on to but keep walking even if you donât see the end in sight. WALK ON AFTER A WHILE; YOU WILL ONLY BE A KILOMETER AWAY FROM THE END.
Naa Kaay is a Ghanaian writer, who has been blogging for years, but recently started blogging about issues closer to her heart. Her blog mantra is ‘Holding on to faith, Meditating on the WORD, and reaching for the rainbow after the storm!’ (http://www.herecomesrainbow.blogspot.com)