So, my dear friend Nicole has been on my case to share my diary from our TTC days. I have been a bit apprehensive, and I admit that I marvelled at how she has been able to share her own story with so much candour! But she eventually cracked me, so here we are!
Now…where do we start?
My name is Tayo. Okay, I admit, it’s not my real name…but, like Nicole, I figured a pseudonym wouldn’t hurt. I met the love of my life, Javier, in Grad School. He’s 5 years younger, and for the first few months, my Nigerian self could not imagine the nerve of this oyibo boy, trying to toast his Aunty!!! He was 24, and I had just turned 29. Well, his persistence, and oh-so-beautiful green eyes, eventually won me over, and we became an item! The next year, on my 30th birthday, he proposed…and we were married the following year.
After our wedding, we moved from our tiny flat into a much larger house, as we were both ready to start a family like yesterday! Well, actually, I was the one desperate to start. My darling husband still wanted us to enjoy a few more years together. Awww, bless his 26 year old heart! As I was already in another decade, I knew that time was not on my side.
So, I started taking folic acid and took my contraceptive patch off. My periods had always been, and stayed, the regular 28days. And then, I patiently waited for Javier to decide he was definitely ready! Well, I got my answer when one night, we started having sex and he didn’t reach for a condom! Boooya! We were surely on our way to baby!!!
Anyway, AF was due a couple of weeks later, on February 13 to be exact, and didn’t show. So, on Valentine’s Day, I tested and got a BFP!!! We couldn’t believe it that it was our first try, and we hit the jackpot!
Alas, our joy was short-lived, as we miscarried at 6 weeks. I was so upset. We hadn’t told anyone we were TTC, and now I had to hide my pain as well. Javier was surprisingly even more broken than I was, especially considering his initial desire to postpone our baby making.
I had a wonderful doctor, but hearing that it was ‘normal’ and ‘if i hadn’t tested early i never would have known’, did not help. In fact, it made me feel even worse.
So, that’s where this diary officially begins…the cycle after the miscarriage…
The Beginning…well, kinda
March 21st, 2008
Well, it is 4 days until testing, and although I started testing rather early, at 8DPO, I’m still getting a BFN. Even at that, I was quite positive…until today. I can feel my hormones playing with my temper…which is a usual AF due sign. I am also quite tearful as well.
I’ve had a longer cycle this month, so the waiting has been hard. I have been thinking about any symptoms I have, but realise that normally I wouldn’t notice most things, so realistically the only thing is dizziness. So, if my period does show, I’ll still have to see my doctor to check things out.
Right after I finished that post, I went to the loo, and I am spotting. All the fertility websites say it may be implantation bleed, as I am 10DPO…and I pray that’s what it is. I have had twinges on the left side most of the day so who knows? What makes me doubtful is my tearfulness…and mood swings…which are AF signs.
I also am a bit upset as my mum gave me a little card with a prayer to St Gerard (Patron Saint of expectant mothers), but I’ve lost it! It was in my handbag, but now it is gone. I know I can get another one, but somehow, losing the one my Mom gave me really hurts. She spent Christmas with us, and that was when she gave it to me. I’m so distraught, that I have toyed with the thought of calling her in Nigeria, just to cry! She doesn’t know we are TTC, and would probably brush it aside, especially as we have only been technically trying for a few months. Why am I so emotional?
I’m still spotting…I just don’t know what to think…..