There’s a somewhat popular saying that you never know how much you want something until you can’t have it, and then everything inside of you stands at attention, plotting consciously or unconsciously how to get it.
It becomes even worse, when that craving is satisfied for a few moments and then suddenly snatched from your hands. At that moment, you begin to wonder if it were not alright for it not to have been given before you seek every and any opportunity to blame someone; God, your husband, your wife, friends, mom, dad, siblings, pastor, yourself…anyone at all will do, in fact.
That was what the infertility journey was for Ranti, a journey she’s still on, after failing to get pregnant yet again, after a failed frozen embryo transfer. Thinking it was going to be a walk in the park, it was yet another cycle filled with a round of pills, shots, blood draws and ultrasounds. Unlike the other two times, she got a BFP, if only for a few days. But her numbers just didn’t add up.
And her HCG dipped as the days went by. Very soon, the verdict was out. It was a chemical pregnancy after all, and not the real thing.
She once again took refuge in her fortress of a husband as, this time around, they had decided to keep quiet about the cycle. This, they found, was the norm for everyone who found out they had cycled yet again, after the cycle failed.
Ranti’s husband is a good man. He’s always there, but there are times she’s needed his physical presence and he just wasn’t there. It was on one of those days that Ranti crawled to her mama’s bosom, after work. No one else would do, so she went to mama.
After sleeping for almost three hours in her mother’s sitting room, she woke up feeling refreshed. A bowl of pepper soup and glass of water later, she was ready to go home but her mom knew she hadn’t come only to sleep and eat.
Mama wanted to know what was eating her daughter up, so she asked and Ranti reluctantly told her. Mama Ranti was alarmed that her daughter went through a cycle again, after her very bad case of OHSS the last time.
“Omo yi,o fe pami. Se eeyan ma n fi emi e wa omo ni. If you die in the process of trying for this child, you think your husband will not marry another wife? Please don’t kill me before my time.”
Ranti’s mom was still ranting and interjecting with prayers, by the time she left for her house that night.
Not one to given to introspectiveness, but her mom’s word touched her. Did she really want to give her own life just so she could have a baby? Was her craving that bad?
Even though she had become well-versed in all the reasons she didn’t get pregnant, she had never had to deal with the immense high of a positive pregnancy test followed by the low of a miscarriage.
It was a major blow, but through it all, she’s learnt a lot through this latest turn in her fertility journey and she shares some of the lessons she’s learnt below:
Support can come from the most unlikely places
After her mother knew about the failed cycle, and later got out the part that Ranti had actually gotten a BFP but lost the pregnancy days after, she was even more devastated. She needed support and that involved calling on Ranti’s siblings, who all showed up. They are all men, but the amount of understanding and empathy they showed, was as though they had been trained for such a time as that.
They took it upon themselves to comfort not only their mother, but Ranti and her husband. They were like mother hens, watching after them, calling during the day to ask after their wellbeing, coming up with surprise meals, dropping by at the end of the day before heading to their own homes.
At this time, Ranti’s heart nearly burst out of her chest, at the overwhelming support she was getting.
It sort of reminded her of her teenage years, and how her brothers had been over protective and scaring off boys from her.
They were doing that now, protecting her and distracting her from her loss. Totally unexpected but absolutely welcome.
It’s okay to be kind to yourself
“It was a chemical pregnancy”
Those were the words, Ranti used in describing her miscarriage to her brothers and mom. It was the way her doctor had described it, and she had quickly adopted it.
It softened the blow of her miscarriage. In her mind, it helped to think that the BFP she got was a result of the artificial hormones that were still in her system, not because the embies had actually implanted.
However, one evening, when she repeated that same statement, her older brother held her hands and asked her why she qualified her miscarriage thus. No matter the belittling, there was no mistaken the fact that she had gone through a miscarriage.
“Stop belittling your loss, it doesn’t help.” he said. And so she did.
Make no mistake, IVF is hard…but she wants to try again
She had known this since the days of her fresh cycle. Her failed cycles cemented it but the positive pregnancy test followed by a miscarriage just sort of hit the nail on the head for her.
Regardless of success rates and all other statistics that had been pitched to her, Ranti had ended up being one of the numbers…a statistic.
Her doctor had mouthed off on all the reasons the miscarriage had happened. He had talked about the various other routes they could take to achieve a sustained BFP the next time.
Interestingly…she wants to try again. Her mom wouldn’t hear it, but she needn’t hear about it, until the deed is done and hopefully, it ends in another BFP that will last the course of nine months.
She had feared a miscarriage, prayed against such and then, it had happened. It was painful, but it had her stronger forged, a stronger will within her not to let infertility win.
These lessons Ranti has learnt and believes will help her in her next round of fertility treatment…because this warrior queen surely isn’t bowing out of the ring yet.
Godspeed mamas and may the lines fall into pleasant places for you.
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